A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding
hrough the Afghan desert when he saw something far
off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked
toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish
man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on
it. The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you
have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you
like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes
very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced
tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you
do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I
will show you that you have not offended me. If you
walk over that hill to the East for about two miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way!
The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four
hours later the Arab came staggering back to where the Jewish man was
sitting at his table.

The old man said, "I told you, about two
miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "But your
brother won't let me in without a tie....."

--------------------

Live long and prosper!

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project,
it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in
Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among
the rocks The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked
a question.His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were
practicing
for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this
comment
the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it
would be
possible to give to the astronauts a message to
deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw
one,
a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said,
"Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a
tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone
were brief.
The NASA official asked the son if he would
translate what his
father had said. The son listened to the
recording and laughed
uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby
Navajo village
and played it for other members of the tribe.
They too laughed
long and loudly, but also refused to translate
the elder's message
to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned.
After he finally stopped laughing,
the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ********.
THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

'Oh, don't you worry about that' says the man, 'I'll come back when you've sobered up.'

--------------------

i have my principles, if you don't like them I have others.

Hi Gregg!
Long time no see! Good to see ya hereabouts!
So, howz things on your side of the pond???

Dude, that one REALLY quacked me up! I will try to top that one...it may take a while though....ummm? and for now, it would seem...

We've been gettin some strangely warm sunny weather I keep waking up to clear blue skies...I can't get over it. I'm not sure what goin on..by next week it'll be back to normal but if thats Global warming then I aint complaining!

The forums coasting along pretty much by itself nowadays and its more fun to just let it ride.

MARRIED WOMAN'S GIRLS NIGHT OUT

The other night I was invited for a night with "the girls." I told my husband I would be home by midnight,
"I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down WAY too easy.
Around 3:00 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up; I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape
a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed)...3 cuckoos plus
9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNITE.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him"Midnight"!
He didn't seem pissed off at all. Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why? he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, "Oh sh#@." cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the coffee table and farted."

--------------------

and you, yeah you, will change destiny. Believe!

You bet it did!!!

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my , I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, he said, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, she replies. . . . . "

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned big jim and the twins, ruined the **** phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

**** women drivers!!

GD

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read...

PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR 'S *** This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS *** FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life, stop worrying about everyone else's *** and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

--------------------

Let The Penguin Surf !

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! ! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. .. . . . "

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

--------------------

Visit me at:
CyberCaptain's Corner
The Jolly Roger
mr rogies neighborhood
ellanoize myspace
American Knight

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop,
"what do you do?" I'm a ****** stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A ****** stretcher? And just what does a
****** stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and
then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.

" "And just what the **** do you do with a 6 foot ******* ?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Here's an hilarious one!

This is what marriage is really all about "

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them..."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

(This is great)

**********

**********

**********

**********

**********

"THE TEETH."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh,........

--------------------

janet

2007 Darwin Awards

The Darwin awards are given each year to those who manage to
eliminate themselves from the human gene pool.

The candidates this year are....

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said
Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind,
and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels,
trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but
could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones
was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , CA , as he fell face-
first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit he floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as he won a
bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington,
DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing in
handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police
patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee
before work.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and
fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a
9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by
customers, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was
pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene
investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange
of fire.

HONOURABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his
wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew
up in their car. While driving around at 2AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends in Tacoma,
Washington when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-
jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the
bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was
rescued by two nearby fishermen.

"All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on
that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER...

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed
his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than
a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm
finally let fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected ********** knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top
of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With
no one there to help him, he lay under all that **** for at least an
hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated."

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes.

--------------------

Beep, Beep, Toot, Toot, Honk, Honk
Tanks fer Nuttin, ya BASTADS...

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,