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i have my principles, if you don't like them I have others.

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Live long and prosper!

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in
Alaska
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
and
Texas

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC!!!

Any Questions???..... Didn't think So.

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Visit me at:
CyberCaptain's Corner
The Jolly Roger
mr rogies neighborhood
ellanoize myspace
American Knight

Here is a good one I heard, just moments ago!

Gas Trouble

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janet

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring down rain out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

So, the man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Where are you?" asks the husband.

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found
the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride
ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young
wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her
step mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a
million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later,
they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped
for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the
other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear
it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

--------------------

and you, yeah you, will change destiny. Believe!

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly collapsed.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the
day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer,
(scroll down)

"MY ROLEX!!!"

Aman is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

"Talking Dog for sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from hearing the dog talk, he says "So what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the govenment, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious charaters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten Dollars," the guy says.

"Ten Dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth would you sell him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s***."

------------------------------------------------

When the driver got out of his car, I realized he was a dwarf as were
the other people in his car.

He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's OK means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying **** YOU!

1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
15) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
17) I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I'm The Only H`e`l`l Mama Ever Raised
19) I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
21) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22) If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
24) If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
36) She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
37) Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
41) You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
42) You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
45) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly