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Author
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Topic: said the priest
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machinery
Tree
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posted February 27, 2008 08:54 AM
present an afternoon
and I'll provide the refuge.
obscure the sun from the sky
and spread that confetti.
big, bang, sparks,
said the priest. here's the church... the day seemed to swell in hot
disillusionment until the stars
dispersed like well played marbles.
put your hands in the form of hope,
said the priest. here's the steeple... rise because he is always
up. rid yourself of her
succulent ribs and river
blues. but it is love. no,
that is lust, said the priest. open the doors... a crow settled on a mesquite.
a slight flutter of feathers
symbolized doubt. the day's
overcast moved towards night.
he is beyond the clouds,
so said the priest. but where are all the people? -------------------- http://www.phaticsyntax.com
Posts: 660 | From: normal, il | Registered: Jan 2001 | IP: Logged | Problem w/ Post?
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machinery
Tree
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posted February 27, 2008 07:40 PM
ok, so i changed a line in the first stanza and i threw out the third stanza and created a new one. tell me what works better.*****
present an afternoon
and I’ll provide the refuge.
obscure the sun from the sky
and spread that celestial aura.
big, bang, sparks,
said the priest.
here’s the church… the day seemed to swell in hot
disillusionment until the stars
dispersed like well played marbles.
put your hands in the form of hope,
said the priest. here’s the steeple… surrender your pulsations
to him. your membrane
is his medium. he is the only
clock ticking because this
is predestined, said the priest. open the doors… a crow settled on a mesquite.
a slight flutter of feathers
symbolized doubt. the day’s
overcast moved towards night.
he is beyond the clouds,
so said the priest. but where are all the people?
Posts: 660 | From: normal, il | Registered: Jan 2001 | IP: Logged | Problem w/ Post?
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Hannibal
Tree
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posted April 28, 2008 11:09 PM
I like the first one better... but that's just me.-------------------- WORD & VOICE ---Bad ass board--- Lovely poetry I will never say the things that I want to say to you. I know the damage it would do. I love you more than I hate my loneliness and pain. ...foolish is he who calls anyplace home... As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious... If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you. It's not a matter of caring,
It's a matter of letting go of everything you care about.
Posts: 3207 | From: If you only knew... | Registered: Jan 2001 | IP: Logged | Problem w/ Post?
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Hannibal
Tree
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posted May 16, 2008 12:50 AM
quote:
Originally posted by machinery:
any words in particular that you find lackluster or ill-fitting?
Having taken time away, and come back to this one, I think it was my expectations that caused me to talk of your wordplay.Normally I expect you to use brilliant words, new words, words that make me say "Wow, smart!"... and a lot of your things use words at just the right moment so strong they could physically move you! This one however, had a strong feeling, and idea behind it.
The words were good, solid, concrete enough to get the IDEA across
the IDEA is where this one shines. The word choice is good. Not great, but good. And I think that's important because it causes the idea to seem so much more clear by writings end.
Posts: 3207 | From: If you only knew... | Registered: Jan 2001 | IP: Logged | Problem w/ Post?
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