"'lo?" she barked into the receiver mid-breath as she sat her ass back onto the unwashed porcelain rim, skeleton-bone fingers twirling a broken beltloop that hovered above one of two leather belts normally criss-crossed at the waist, both studded with rusty pyramid spikes.

"shiiiiiiiiivaaaaaah!" someone screamed in her ear, his joyous voice spiked with meth-chatter frenzy.

"shep? man i'm taking a shit!"

"oh shut the fuck up, gross! california's awesome! i met this girl, she's like --"

"fourteen?" she interjected with a shout, a hasty giggle jumping from her lips as the downstairs neighbor hit something loud at the ceiling below her. "i mean, is she legal for once?" she tilted her head to cradle the phone at the junction of shoulder and sharpboned jawline, fishing out a pack of pall malls from the crumpled mass of blue jean laying down by her ankles and lighting one up, deep grey plumes floating around peeling institutional white paint.

"no no no, she's legal. i asked before we did it, this time."

in the background there was a girl's tittering laughter, and shiva grinned into the phone, sucking in a drag. "oh, is that the princess? or just some crack whore yah remember from living in venice?"

"oh you don't even know, shiv."

she imagined his dopeheavy grin smeared across his face, sweaty waves of black hair stringing into his eyes. that girl probably thought it was cute, endearing how she could sweep it out of the way if she wanted to. "well either way, how're things? did yah see jesse?"

"yep, today. he uh, seems to be doing okay. he's in a halfway house now down by sixteenth street. he lives with a bunch of fuckin' weirdos, like this dude seth who eats his own toothpaste and got busted for stupid shit like chugging mouthwash."

shiva's snickers tumbled one after the other, inbetween words, her socked feet shifting over the bathroom tile, bone slipping evenly under sandswept skin, like junglecat limbs. "does he have a favorite brand? why don't they just tell him to use nyquil? oh shit, do they like, shake him down for medicines now?"

"i dunno man, but it's some crazy shit. hey, what the fuck was that sound, was that a turd!? listen, i'm gonna go, i gave this dude a couple hits of some shit if he let me use his phone, but it's my turn now."

"'kay, sure." shiva laughed out, smirking as she leaned against the radiator acting as a bookshelf for half-damp porno mags, newly self-trimmed tresses of firelicked black swaying over sharp shoulders.

"take it easy! give a fuckin' bonghit to pipebomb for me, he loves that shit! later!"

without bothering to say bye the dial tone sang it out for her, and the goddess straightened her spine up, grabbing for the toilet paper with both hands after setting the phone on top of a playboy and clamping the cigarette between her teeth. whistling through a mask of smoke that stung her eyes, she did her front-to-back and yanked her pants up, still unzipped as she hopped on one foot and used a dirty socked toe to flush. skipping the sink on the way out, she flashed a hand up to her mouth, fingers scissoring the cigarette from her mouth.

"pipebomb," hoarse lungs pushed out the breath from somewhere that was still halfway sweet, evident in the sing-song and calling to that nasty huge tiger cat. "..shep wants yah to show me where his weeeeed is..."

"ah.. ah. i --"

"fuckin' don't fuck around with me, raj! fuckin' tell me! i swear to god i'll fuckin' come after your children and rip out their goddamned windpipes if you don't fuckin' tell me where it is."

"..the post office, on eighth."

"fuck, shiva!"

"jesus christ nicky, nice to see yah too." she scowled behind the protection of bugeyed lenses, twirling a finger at a lock of washed-out red hair turned pale pink. "where's shep?"

"he's at work," nick said before uncrossing his arms from a birdframe chest, hanging limp at his sides. he stood there, staring at the disheveled rat in front of him, trying to remember the spark of sneering life he used to chase madly. "so i came to pick you up."

"sure. let's go," came the weary words, fingers nosing underneath the shoulder straps of a battered beige backpack as she started down the sidewalk, touslehaired nick falling into place next to her.

"shiv, what the fuck's going on, man? did you see the fucking news on that bombing, what happened?" he bit at his lip, shoved his hands into his pockets, and cut all eye contact, just watched his toes lead the way. "dude, were you involved in any of that?"

shiva set her lips to a line and stayed quiet, but her head rolled it's own private show of the footage: crumbling brick, rabid reporters, the pictures of suspects with inky black hair and endlessly deep eyes, but there was no raja there, just unknowns to her.

"yeah listen nicky, i dunno what the fuck all that was about. i wasn't fucking.." she sighed and wiped a hand across her forehead, flicking sweat to the side. "..do yah, do yah have a cig mebbe?"

"yeah sure." he handed her a pack of lucky strikes and she reached quick for them, tapping one out into her mouth before the boy handed over a lighter.

"okay, i wasn't fucking involved, alright? sure, i sort've, uhm, knew about something that was going to happen but christ man, i didn't know that crazy motherfucker was gonna do it when there were people there, fucking people, fuck." she got the smoke through to her lungs in desperate breaths, teeth grinding heavily at the filterless end, bits of tobacco stinging the tip of her tongue.

"who told you 'bout it?" he asked as he took the cigarettes back, lighting one up for himself as he took the first good look at shiva, cutting away quick with a worrier's frown.

"man nicky, i'm not gonna say any names.." she glanced piteously to him, canting her head. "yah know who fuckin' told me. who the fuck else would tell me, huh? who the fuck do i even talk to?"

"alright, whatever." mumbling, wounded, nick glanced away and off into the glittering paradise of parked cars, leading the way with a weave through the valet line of high end vehicles towards where everyone else had to go. "i just wanted to make sure, you know?"

"yeah i fuckin' know. don't you fuckin' say a fuckin' thing either. not when you're fuckin' drunk trying to impress some chick with your vast wordly knowledge," she hissed. "..or when you're stoned outta your mind and think it'd be funny to fuckin' bring it up again, alright?"

"nah, nuh uh, i won't, i swear." he turned big eyes onto her as he shook his head, taking a suck of his cigarette before coming to his beatdown two-door toyota, fussing with keys before unlocking the door. "hey, let's stop talking about it then, okay? you uh, want anything on the way home? eat or drink, anything?"

"no, fuck. i'm not hungry." she sighed, ignoring the queasy roiling of her stomach, trying to stuff down the sudden nausea with a steady nicotine flush. "but can we stop by the store and get a bottle of fuckin' hair dye? this shit is driving me crazy.." she grabbed at her unbrushed mess as she opened the door and slipped in, carelessly tossing her backpack into the mountain of trash behind, bringing the door closed before pumping down the window.

"sure thing." nicky fired the ignition and the toyota started with a puttering gasp, throwing it into reverse as he backed out of the space.

"christ, some whiskey too." she murmured around smoke, resting the side of her head between the headrest and frame of the door, staring half-lidded at a departing place. "i got so fuckin' sick of drinking tea and goat's milk."

"sick, no shit."

but his words were lost to her, for here was the familiar ache in her temples and chest, ragged featherwings flapping, the fear of wondering whether or not her withering corpseboy would still be there, still be alive, or worse yet, would have forgotten.

shiva was thankful she had locks on her doors to remind her room mates that they weren't wanted.

when she wanted to forget him she would shove the tears back inside herself with such things, because she would need the condensation, the hydration to survive. when he wanted as badly as hers for the forgiving touch of hands and the loving stroke of skin, she reciprocated with the equivalent, finding wild-eyed boys on skateboards and sullen-spoken lads who just didn't know any better, who thought that she truly loved them.

when all that was true in this world was lies,
and all that remained hopeful was nothing,
she found her peace in other's pain.

when a lighter ran out she simply tossed into some dark corner of her dog-kennel sized room, sparking up another before the dead plastic bic even hit the hardwood floor. there were a couple animals aside from the caged ones rustling around, ferretclaws scratching at clothing dropped on the ground, curling up inside shirts and nosing into shoes.

an hour later, fire-engine red hair streaming over her shoulders as it caught the glint of two lit candles, shiva concentrated over one of shep's sketchbooks, running a pen across pages to make shapes, people, animals, whatever switch her brain felt like making next, shearing sheets away and onto the mattress when she felt satisfied.

and it wasn't until sunrise that she had stopped, clattering everything to the ground to stand up and grab the curtains, tying each at the bottom into a knot so they hung there like great fabric pendelums, the grip of sunbeam hands reaching through but not nearly potent enough to send shiva into a scrambling fit of untied shoelaces and ratty converse in search of her glasses. instead, she stayed in front of one of the dirt and city-rain streaked window, staring dully at the two big brownstone tenement buildings, watching as the sun started to come up, a bundle of furious wavering heat, primed to crank out another scorcher.

a wide speedsunk grin brimming her face, she grabbed at a small basket by the side of her mattress, plucking out pushpins and thumbtacks, grabbing her chickenscrawl artwork to spear them one by one in a line onto the wall next to a single flip flop nailed in.

with a yawn tearing at her face the princess of filth whirled around, squatting down to snatch up her sunglasses and put them on her face. when she half-tiptoed out of her room and into where nick had taken over the couch, the only thing alive to greet her was that pathetic little grey kitten, it's limp still prominent, mewling hard while he shoved his spine up and down her calves, tracking a constant circle around her feet.

"oh?" she stared down at the creature. "fuck, i'll feed yah fuckin' later, okay?"

mewl.

"shit c'mon, shut the fuck up. Just.. justSHH.." her eyes went wild as she stepped away from the nearly full-grown cat, moving fast towards the front door in case the noises coming from shep's room turned out to be him shirtless in the doorway, scratching at his belly with a lash of four dragging fingers. shiv's featherlight frame slipped through to the outside world, fumbling at a cigarette and lighter for a moment before sucking in smoke and blowing it up into the air, walking at a near-shuffle down the sidewalk.