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Thread: shattered -- gina swaringer

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    HB Forum Owner dani cassidy's Avatar
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    <center>Gina2

    You were the sweetest thing that I ever knew
    But I don't care for sugar, honey, if I can't have you.
    Since you've abandoned me
    My whole life has crashed
    Won't you pick the pieces up
    'Cause it feels just like I'm walking on broken glass...

    The sun's still shining in the big blue sky
    But it don't mean nothing to me.
    Oh, let the rain come down
    Let the wind blow through me...
    I'm living in an empty room
    With all the windows smashed
    And I've got so little left to lose
    That it feels just like I'm walking on broken glass...

    And if you're trying to cut me down
    You know that I might bleed.
    'Cause if you're trying to cut me down
    I know that you'll succeed...
    And if you want to hurt me
    There's nothing left to fear
    'Cause if you want to hurt me
    You're doing really well my dear...

    Now everyone of us was made to suffer
    Everyone of us is made to weep
    We've been hurting one another
    And now the pain has cut too deep...
    So take me from the wreckage
    Save me from the blast
    Lift me up and take me back
    Don't let me keep on walking...
    On broken glass.
    </center>

  2. #2
    HB Forum Owner dani cassidy's Avatar
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    10.12.05

    Lately there's been this feeling inside that makes more sense now than it ever has before in my life. It's this thing called revenge, a something that grips my every move and makes me want to hurl more than ceramics at Mark. It's a thing called justification, that makes me writhe and send piercing waves into whoever, whatever, whenever. It's things thing called resent, this itty bitty little fleeing flutter that sparks my ignition and makes me burn.

    I can't say these things are sparked by my father's death. It's become something I've been wrapped in, or rather trapped in for so long that I can't seem to tell the difference between he and I. I thought I had forgiven him for anything and everything that happened -- and when Mark came along, I felt like I could finally trust a man. Do you know what that's like, to not be able to trust the man who shares your bed, your roof, your body? You probably do, if Christopher visits you and makes you do things you wouldn't ordinarily do. But the difference between you and me is that you understand the full reprocussions -- you've gotten it under control. I, have not. And here I am, hiding a man who is more broken and shallow than he's ever put off, stealing him away from the tiny life he tries to lead.

    Why do I keep him from everyone else? Why do I feel the need to hide him and own him? Because for six years that's all he's done to me -- hide me from things, "protect" me from things. I've come to the realization that it's all complete bullshit. He's never hid me to protect me, he hid me so I wouldn't embarrass him. He hid me so he wouldn't have to try to understand the complications that came along after we were already married, already committed, already "stable." No, he didn't want to screw up his perfect life he was living in his dream world, where he forgot I am in fact human and I do make mistakes.

    Now? Now all I really want is to make him suffer just a little bit. I want him to know what it's like to go through the bitter pain of being shut away from the beauty of the outside world. I want him to feel the way I felt every time he talked down to me, or laughed off my pain.

    So I suppose the next step is in figuring out how to make him suffer without being caught. How to hide him, without anyone knowing. That's where you come in. He gave you my name for a reason, he wants you to be involved. He's always had a thing from you, ever since you came to Chicago. You think I'm naive and childish, you think I don't know what's going on in my head.

    No way, no how, will I make Mark suffer without you suffering along with him. Both of you deserve only the very best from me. And so, it is only the very best that you'll get.

    Get ready, fawn. It's time to play a little game called life.

  3. #3
    HB Forum Owner dani cassidy's Avatar
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    "You can't keep me here."

    "What makes you think I'd want to?"

    "Maybe the fact that I can't stop bleeding? Jesus, Gina, get a fuckin' grip."

    Fingers trembled as he continued to dab tissue at the corner of his mouth, her own hands rather stable as she washed them at the kitchen sink.

    "It's not like I knocked you out or anything."

    "You could have fuckin' knocked my teeth out, you know. Then what was I supposed to do? How do I explain that shit at work?"

    "I don't know, tell them you go into a car accident."

    "Too obvious. So they questioned Dani yesterday?"

    "Yeah. She said she wants to meet so we can 'get our stories straight'."

    "Good. Is there a court date?"

    "Not yet."

    "I hope it's not around the eighteenth. I told Marna I'd go up to Michigan to settle a few details."

    "How's she?"

    "Good, she said Ben proposed a couple of weeks ago. They're going to elope."

    "The fuck! Why didn't you tell me?" A small fist shaken his way, in a joking manor.

    "Don't you shake that fist at me, you know I can't hit you back."

    "Maybe you should, it'd be some sort of... struggle or something."

    "I don't want to hit you."

    "Well. You should have told me about Marna and Ben. I'll have to give her a call."

    "You don't think it'll get to the point where the fucking government taps into the phonelines, do you?"

    "We won't let it get that far." Rubble from the ceramic war was swept up and tossed into the trashcan. "I'm sorry if I went overboard."

    "It's alright, I know you needed to vent."

    "Dani'll be here any minute. What are you going to do while she's here?"

    "Maybe finish the next chapter of the bo--"

    Subtle knocks at the door. They glanced at each other, and Mark blew a kiss, scooping up the novel he'd been reading. Opening the door to the walk-in closet in the bedroom, rough fingers pulled the thin dangling chain, clicking the light on. Door was shut and locked, and he settled to read, waiting patiently until the two were finished.

    "Hi, Dani. Come in." With a shaken voice, exuding slight nervousness.

    "I'm sorry I'm late."

    "Don't worry, you're right on time."

  4. #4
    HB Forum Owner dani cassidy's Avatar
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    Clothes scattered over the bed in neatly stacked piles, arranged by colors -- a long-sleeved tee was plucked from atop the blue pile, fingers holding it to dangle, press against her abdomen, and refold. Each article of clothing was meticulously arranged, yellow light trickling from the single bulb that hung from the ceiling of the walk-in closet.

    "Where are your black slacks?"

    "Bottom drawer." He spoke over a sketching, legs crossed as his right ankle hit left knee, pencil scratching quietly at the otherwise blank paper.

    "I called Marna about an hour ago. She's expecting you."

    "Alright. And pack my blazer, would you? I don't want to bring a hang-up bag."

    "What do you need your blazer for?"

    "I'll probably stage a business meeting."

    "That's stupid, you're supposed to be missing."

    "Oh. Right."

    Clothes were moved from the bed carefully, fingers constantly pressing over material to act as an iron, buckle clasping about the piles once all clothes had been packed. The blazer was left hanging in the closet, though she did add one extra dress shirt.

    "Did you see that episode of Desper--"

    "No. I don't watch that shit."

    "It's not shit, it's funny. Marcia Cross's characte--"

    "Made the bed before she took her husband to the hospital when he was having a heart attack. I know, you told me."

    "It reminded me of something I'd do to you."

    "So charming, you are." Pages of the sketch pad flipped in reverse, lips pursing as he searched for a particular sketch. Dipping his head to the side, he studied a moment, then closed the pad. "Finished?"

    "Did you pack your toothbrush?"

    "I did."

    "The purple one?"

    "Yes. Shut up."

    "I didn't say anything!"

    "Your smile said it all. I'm going to give Marna one more quick call, just to let her know I'm on my way."

    Upon disappearing into the kitchen, a thin brow rose as eyes cut to their corners, waiting for to hear his voice as a signal that the line connected. Knowing he'd be temporarily planted in the kitchen as he spoke into the corded phone, Gina moved to the top drawer of her dresser, scooting various unmentionables to the side. Small unlabeled bottle was plucked from the back left-hand corner of the drawer, eyes glancing to see how many pills were left. Teeth nibbled her bottom lip as she tucked it into a pair of his socks, refolded, and placed between a stack of slacks in his suitcase.

    "Perfect."

  5. #5
    HB Forum Owner dani cassidy's Avatar
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    Eyes stared down at the piece of paper for a long while, capped pen tapping against blank space repeatedly. Teeth moved to bite the inside of her lip until she tasted the metalic drop, frame leaning forward to prop against kitchen tabletop, jaw stacked atop fist. Biting her bottom lip, she did the best she could.

    ----

    Mark,

    You and I... we're not so different. Rather, we're really quite alike, you and I. We know there's a purpose far greater than us that's just reaching for us, wanting us to accomplish great things. We're overachievers -- we don't settle for much of anything. Even each other.

    I'm not really sure how any of this got started between us. We used to be best friends, you know? Tell each other things we couldn't tell other people, formulate plans that no one else would understand. I knew you better than I knew myself, and I know you felt the same way. So how did it come that we became such strangers? Did one lie just spin itself into a bigger lie, until we were lying to ourselves so much to the point we couldn't differentiate between fact and fiction? I know you know the answer to that. Please don't ever say it.

    The only point I have to this letter is to tell you that just because things have been blown out of proportion, I still love you. I've loved you my whole life, even though I rarely show it. You've put up with my shit for so long it's become yours -- and that's something I never wanted to happen. But it did, and you've dealt, and I'm in debt.

    I'm working on paying off that debt.

    I love you,

    Gina

  6. #6
    HB Forum Owner dani cassidy's Avatar
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    "Oh come now, you didn't seriously think this had to do with you, did you?" Lips curled into a sinewy grin and she rolled her eyes to look at Danielle, who was huddled far into a corner.

    "I don't know what to think anymore." Somehow, she had kept her voice, despite her nerves.

    "Tell me, Dani, when did your obsession with death begin?" Arms folded rather loosely over her chest, feet walking a steady pattern in front of trembling girl. She hovered like a crow -- sleek, defined.

    "I was never obsessed with death. Only my brother."

    "Well my obsession started long ago." She continued as if Danielle somehow agreed with her, fingers drumming lightly on her biceps as she walked. "I think I was around fourteen. I was standing in the kitchen, washing dishes -- they'd been sitting there for several days, and I held one particular dish in my hand, that had dabs of spaghetti sauce stuck to it." She paused and stood in front of her, eyes drawn to the floor, lips curled loosely in the corners as she reenacted, eyes glazed over as she skated backwards into her past. "The harder I scraped my fingernails over the tomato sauce, the more easily it washed away. A--"

    "And what does that have to do with death?" Danielle chimed in curtly, face now distorted with annoyance rather than fear.

    "Oh, Danielle. Have you ever touched water that was so hot it felt so cold?"

    "No."

    "Mm. Maybe one day, you'll have the pleasure of seeing where I'm coming from. Until then? You'll simply have to stay put."

    "It's not like I have anywhere to go, anyway. How convenient, right? I'm trapped here in your sick little ga--"

    "Sick? Sweetheart, this game may be small, but it's certainly not sick. Not yet." Fingers ran along the edge of the table as she glanced over the tray of food, eyes rolling back to Danielle. "I'm going out for a little bit. You just stay here and eat and rest, you'll need your energy, hmm?"

    Heavy door was closed and skeleton key was pulled from her pocket, locking the multiple locks that hung from the outside of the door. Leaning close, she pressed her face to the cool slab, listening to hear if Danielle tried to destroy anything. After several moments of silence, she heard the faint sound of metal scraping across the plate of food.

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