HO! HO! HO!

[willow witch]

Does Santa really Deliver the goods?

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 35 miles per hour.


The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 1000 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 71,4200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.



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)O( ~Ta may olta~
~Slainte~

Willow

[willow witch]

The Santa Clause Surprise



"Santa Clause" Had a Surprise for Grandma
The following article may contain material not suited for young viewers. Parents, please use your discretion.

Disney's movie "The Santa Clause" mentions an 800 number which led to an Ohio grandmother's embarrassment. In the PG-rated film, Tim Allen's ex-wife offers to give him her phone number and he jokes, "What is it? 1-800-SPANK ME?"

Well, the grandmother, Shirley Dirth, thought the number was phony so she didn't mind letting her two grandchildren call it. She was quite shocked when they connected via her speaker phone to a phone sex line which let callers choose their own fantasy. On that real phone number, a woman's voice says, "Hi, sexy! You've just connected to the hottest phone line in America."

A spokesman for Disney has said it is just a coincidence and no one is begin punished. Hmmmm, a coincidence? Or was some Disney screenwriter being naughty and not nice? ;-)




------------------
)O( ~Ta may olta~
~Slainte~

Willow

[willow witch]

Q:What do the female reindeer do on Christmas Eve while the males are pulling Santa's sleigh?
A:They go into town and blow a few bucks.

[OuTcAsT]

Much like I've learned from surfing the net, if you can think it, chances are there's a sight for it.

[willow witch]

The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
==========================================

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimeny apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

No offense to anyone intended!


------------------
)O( ~Ta may olta~
~Slainte~

Willow

[willow witch]

... If I had 1 wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world
to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.

If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for:
1: All the Children of the world to sing together
2: $1,000,000 tax free

If I had 3 wishes this Christmas:
1: Kids singing together
2: $1,000,000 tax free per year for life
3: To have all encompassing power over the universe

If I had 4 wishes this Christmas:
1: The crap about the kids
2: $1,000,000
3: All encompassing power
4: 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days

Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible.
So, let's rearrange:
1: All encompassing power
2: The orgasm
3: The money

OH! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in.

Now, my wish this Christmas would be:

1: The power
2: To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
3: The orgasm
4: The Money

[OuTcAsT]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Times New Roman">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by willow witch:
... 1: The power
2: To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
3: The orgasm
4: The Money

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That pretty much sums it up.
For everyone.

[willow witch]

[willow witch]

*giggles* So THAT'S where that extra log in the fireplace came from last year!!!!!!!

[willow witch]