The World of JEU: Set # 1 By Katsuya(with a lil help from Suture)

[Suture-Chan]

Opener: A deserted street. A lone thin, shorthaired man named Joe runs forward.

Joe: *Huff puff* Damn! I?m gonna be late!

(He stops and looks at his comdex)

Joe: Hmmm?

(He?s in front of a building; all of a sudden the doors explode!)


OPENING CREDITS

Set #1
NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET

(Astral Gates near a planet. A dark red ship called the Outlaw Star flies through hyperspace)

(The cockpit/bridge)

(Joe walks over to a console and presses a button)

Joe: Hey Sky, you done jerry-rigging that ether drive system?

Sky on COM: No.

Joe: Why not?

Sky on COM: Let?s just say you got what you paid for.

Joe: But I didn?t pay anything!

Sky on COM: Exactly!

Joe: Uhhg.

(The exit of the Astral Gate. Recorded voices in different languages begin to speak.)

RECORDED VOICES: Attention, please. We will soon arrive at the gate. We look forward to serving you again. Please line up single file at the tollbooth after clearing the gate. Please pass by after switching the credit sensors to debit mode.

Joe: (talking to him self) Pay me this, pay me that. The last thing I need is more computerized bitching!

Sky on COM: Hey!

Joe: Not you!

(Joe presses a button on the console again)

Joe: Hey Alison, you awake yet?

Alison on COM: (groggy) Can?t. Sleep. The clowns will eat me?

Joe: Have you been drinking again?

Alison on COM: (sheepish and groggy) Maybe a little?

Joe: Are there a lot of bottles on the floor?

Alison on COM: (groggy) Let?s see one. Two. Three. Four?

(Joe presses a button on the console and turns it off)

Joe: *Sigh*

(The Living Room.)

(Joe is leaning against the wall. Alison is sitting on the couch in a robe, drinking a cup of coffee.)

Alison: (Headache) I?ll never do that again....

Joe: When are you going to admit you have a problem?

Alison: When you admit ?you? have a problem

Joe: What? I don?t have a problem. ?You? have a problem!

Alison: You have a problem!

Joe: No, you have a problem!

Alison: No, you have a problem!

Joe: No you!

Skyler: You both have problems, now shut up!

(Skyler enters the living room. He?s a tall android with blue and white coloring he has one red eye in the top center of his head. Aesthetically he look?s a lot like an Evangelion if not exactly)

(Skyler walks over to the monitor and points at it. A man?s face flashes on screen)

Skyler: Nasron Kees. This is our next target. He's a Smuggler that deals all around the city.

Joe: Is he a sausage smuggler?

(Joe and Alison burst out laughing)

Skyler: (low tone) Idiots.

Alison: (still laughing) Haha, you?re just mad because you don?t get it.

Skyler: (indignant) I do get it!

Joe: (sarcastic) Yeah right! Doesn?t compute, huh Skyler?

Alison: (mockingly) Silly robot. Jokes are for humans!

Skyler: You two ?do? have problems. Anyway this guy is short, so he might be hard to spot.

Joe: Last known location?

Skyler: An apartment, about 4 miles away from the docks, but the cops have searched it so I don?t think he?ll be there. We?ll try the docks.

Alison: Sounds like a small fry.

Skyler: This small fry is worth 1.3 million. That?s enough to pay for the parts to get the ether drive fixed and then we can take that job for the gate corporation.

Joe: So are we ready?

Skyler: I?ve downloaded all the info to your Comdex. So get on it.

Joe: All right, see ya.

(Joe heads out the door to the hanger)

Skyler: (turns to Allison) I?m going to get back to work on the drive system so you? Get some clothes on.

(Skyler walks back to engine room)

Alison: (making face) Naaaahhhhhhhhh!

(The Hanger)

(Joe starts up his red fighter like craft, the Swordfish III. He lowers the Swordfish out side of the Outlaw Star, its wings fold down. The Swordfish floats up a bit and then blasts off from the docking station orbiting the Earth.)

*********************

(Tokyo City v 7.0)

(Ships and cars zoom by the crowded streets)

(Joe in his black suit stands next to a hotdog vender making a hotdog.)

Vender: You want small, medium, or large?

Joe: I?ll take a medium and a pop.

(After receiving his food he bites the hotdog in half and starts to suck down the pop.)

Joe: (thinks to self) Well let?s see?I?m at the edge of the dock area and all I have to do is find a tiny little Smuggler. How hard can that be?

(Hours pass)

Joe: (drinking a soda pop) Man! Where is that freak?

(More Hours pass)


(Walking around looking for the guy)

Joe: (Still drinking a soda but now it?s a Big-Slurp) Dammit!

(Even More Hours pass)

Joe: (Still drinking the Big-Slurp talking to his COM) Guys? Can I come back now?

Alison & Skyler on COM: No!

Joe: This sucks? Now I have to go take a wizz?

(Joe looks around to see if he can find a restroom. He sees the hotdog vender smiling back at him and holding up another Big-Slurp and Hotdog)

Vender: You want more?

Joe: Uh? No, that?s ok!

(He continues to look around until he hears the hotdog vender say [img]smile.gif[/img]

Vender: Here you go little friend.

(Joe looks back and sees the Vender handing the Big-Slurp and Hotdog to little man in a trench coat and hat)

Joe: Hey you!

Vender: Ha! I knew you couldn?t resist, so how many?

Joe: Not you!

(Joe points to the little man)

Joe: You!

(The little man is Nasron Kees he pushes the hotdog in his mouth and tosses the Big-Slurp at Joe, but he slaps it out of the way. He runs out into the street and Joe runs after him. Nasron drops some marbles on the ground but Joe jumps over them. The chase leads Joe and Nasron to a bridge. The two stop running.)

Nasron: You a bounty hunter, or just a guy who hates little people?

Joe: (smug) Both!

Nasron: What?

Joe: Never mind! I just want the bounty on your pointy head.

(Joe tries to kick his head to knock him out, but Nasron ducks, and then tackles Joe in the gut. Joe, dazed, with the wind momentarily knocked out of him, loses track of Nasron)

Joe: Damn!

(A boat passes underneath the bridge. Nasron Jumps off the bridge)

Joe: What? Stop!

(Joe grabs for him but only gets his hat.)

(Nasron lands on the boat and gives Joe the finger.)

Joe: Dammit!

***Intermission Eyecatch***

(In space. The Outlaw star hanger opens up to receive the Swordfish)

(Joe walks in to the cockpit/bridge as Skyler is making adjustments to some cables under the console.)

Joe: Hey Skyler?

Skyler: One sec Joe.

(Skyler speaks into the COM)

Skyler: Hey, Alison, turn it on.

(Alison somewhere on board flips a switch on the back of a black box)

(All the Screens in cockpit/bridge display an install gage at 1%)

Joe: What are you doing?

Skyler: I?m upgrading the ship?s A.I. system.

Joe: Why?

Skyler: You said we needed a better A.I, so that?s what I?m doing.

Joe: But where did you get it?

Skyler: Well, remember when we found the wreckage?

Joe: (sarcastic) Uh, no, refresh my memory.

Skyler: The wreckage had one.

Joe: But I thought you said it was corrupted.

Skyler: Yes, but there was a backup copy of an older version. So I just rewrote some of the source code.

Joe: So what?s so great about it?

Skyler: Integrated navigation system with full load autopilot. Duel weapons control with 97% lock on boost. Drive system correction protocols. Plus two sub-systems and a backup to maintain life support, and a backup of the original ship A.I.

Joe: (impressed)Wow, good deal.

Skyler: Seems that way. So how did everything go?

Joe: Not so good. He got away and all I have to go on is this hat.

Skyler: Let me take a look.

(Joe hands the hat to Skyler. Skyler?s red eye scans the hat)

Skyler: Interesting?

Joe: (looking over Skyler?s shoulder) What?

Skyler: This isn?t a hat Joe.

(Skyler pulls the fabric away inside the hat and reveals a mesh of micro circuitry)

Joe: What the hell is it?

(Thin metal tendrils come from Skyler?s wrist and attach to the circuitry. The light in Skyler?s eye blinks as he reads the data)

Skyler: Very interesting?

(The living room)

Alison: (lounging on the couch) So what is it?

Skyler: I?m not sure, but I think it?s a ?White Hole?.

Joe: Hey you two stop that right now!

Alison: (Bummed) Ok no Red Dwarf references?

Skyler: Ok?Anyway it?s a Complex Neuro-transmitter.

Alison: Ah! But does it play video games?

Skyler: Umm, yes it could? But its main purpose is to transmit thought waves to others with the same Neuro-transmitter. Sort of like your own private Internet.

Joe: So can we use this to find him?

Skyler: No, it only works with the mind it?s tuned for. But what?s interesting is the last message it received. It has something to do with a plan to steal a shipment of rare and expensive metals.

Joe: That is interesting.

Skyler: I say we decode the rest of the data in this thing, and find out where the robbery takes place. Then we kick their asses, take the loot, and we live like fat rats.

Joe: (thumbs up) Good plan!

Alison: Don't you guys find that to be just a little... Oh, I don't know, deceitful, wrong, ileagal?

Skyler: Yeah?

Joe: Your point?

Alison: Never mind?

Joe: Guys, I have to make a run. I?ll be back later?

(Joe heads out the door to the hanger)

Skyler: Get back soon so you know what?s up... (Turns back to Allison) He won?t be on time.

Alison: (doing nails) Nope.

***********

(It?s nighttime in a shop on an old street. Joe is inside with a shopkeeper)

Shopkeeper: (Handing Joe a package) Here.

Joe: (Opening the contents and placing it on his hands) Thanks, how much do I owe ya?

Shopkeeper: Twenty thousand.

(Joe hands him a cred-stick and transfers the money)

Shopkeeper: I hope you enjoy the shield enhancement.

Joe: I will.

(Joe looks over his enhanced Dark shields)

Joe: Rad?

(Later that night at Goblins Bar, we see Joe sitting on a stool talking to a group of people)

Joe: And then I tore his head off! We all had a good laugh off that one. (Chuckles lightly)

(The barflies look at Joe confused)

Joe: (thinking to self) Ha! They look impressed. I?m a God to these people!

Joe: (points to a server) You there! (slams hand on the table) More drinks!

********

(A dark room with a dim light)

Voice: Do you have it?

Nasron: Yes.

(Nasron places a suitcase on a table)

Voice: Excellent. We begin tomorrow.

**********

(The air above the gleaming city skyline, moving towards the tall financial building. Its windows reflect the golden rising sun)

(Cockpit/bridge of the Outlaw Star)

(All the Screens in cockpit/bridge display an install gage at 99% Alison flips some switches on one of the consoles then all the screens read ?install paused?)

Sky on COM: Is everything in order?

Alison: Yeah I?ll meet you at the hanger in a sec.

Sky on COM: Were you able to contact Joe?

Alison: What do you think?

Sky on COM: Where the heck is he?

**********

(Goblins Bar that same morning)

(The barkeep places his hat and coat on a rack; he hears a beeping and looks over at a table and sees Joe sleeping)

Barkeep: (reaches behind the counter for his shotgun) You still here?

(Joe starts to wake up)

Joe: (groggy) Ugh? What?

(Joe hears the beeping and looks down at his comdex)

Joe: Hmmm?

(It displays a message telling him to go a certain place at a certain time)

Joe: Crap!

(Joe runs out of the bar lickety-split!)

(Meanwhile the armored car carrying the shipment arrives at its destination, the driver press a button on his steering-wheel. The back of the car swings open and four tall thin automatons carry out a big square block containing the rare and expensive metals. They bring the shipment into the building and place the block in a square opening in the wall)

(Out side of the building, three dark blue vans pull up to the entrance)

{Cue sinister music}

(All three of the vans passenger doors open in unison. Out walk three men dressed identically, long dark trench coats and hats. The automatons walk out and look at the men)

(The men in perfect sync, draw their guns, pull the triggers and blow all of their mechanical heads off)

(The driver of the armored car gets freaked out and calls for backup. The men turn their heads at the same time to look at him. One of them pulls a silver sphere out of his pocket and throws it on to the driver?s lap. He looks down? Suddenly it ignites, roasting him alive!)

(Nasron jumps out of one of the vans with a suitcase. He and the men walk into the building)

(Inside the building)

(As they walk up to the container, all the doors and windows become covered by metal screens. It doesn?t faze them. Nasron places the suitcase on the ground and opens a little hatch in the floor. He then presses a button on the suitcase.)

(The case flips open and a jet of cold air puffs out. A small figure stands up?It?s a penguin?)

Penguin: (cocks head to the side) Robble?

Nasron: Yes my chilly friend, it?s your turn.

(The penguin waddles over the hatch. Inside it has a numeric keypad. The penguin uses his beak to press the keys)

(The container releases lots of square blocks of metal. Nasron and the men put the blocks in their coats)

Nasron: We better get out of here.

(The penguin jumps back into the suitcase and Nasron closes it)

(The three men place explosives on the door-screen, and stand back)

(Outside the building)

Joe: (running) *Huff puff* Damn! I?m gonna be late!

(He stops and looks at his comdex)

Joe: Hmmm?

(He?s in front of the building; all of a sudden the doors explode!)

(The three men walk out, unharmed by the flames and falling debris around them, and return to their respective vans. Nasron comes out carrying the suitcase and steps on the back of the third van? A fist comes out of nowhere and punches him in the back of the head, he drops the suitcase)

[WHACK!]

Joe: You almost got me there pal. If I didn?t have ?these? (points to his dark shields) I wouldn?t be here to put the smack down. Now its time for you and your suitcase full of money to come with me.

Nasron: No!

(Nasron claps his hands; it creates a shockwave the hurls Joe back and to ground. He then closes the doors and screams.)

Nasron: Drive!

(All the vans drive off)

Joe: (on ground) Crap on a crap cracker?

(Suddenly a red convertible sports car pulls up next to Joe)

Driver: Don' lay there like a dolt! Get in!

Joe: (Getting up) Alison?

(Alison is wearing a black business suit, dark glasses, and a cheuffer hat)

Alison: Come on! They're getting away!

(Joe picks up the suitcase and hops into the car as they speed off)

Alison: Well fancy meeting you here?

Joe: (sheepish) Yeah sorry I didn?t call?Where?s Skyler?

Alison: Up there. (points up over to the right).

(Skyler is jumping from rooftop to rooftop, with immense strength and speed)

Joe: Rock!

{Cue exciting chase music}

(In the car Joe loads his silver hand guns and starts blasting away the wheels of the third van as Alison does some wicked stunt-driving, winding through the busy streets)

(Eventually the chase brings them to a bridge that splits in two, the third van heads left, but the other two vans go right, Skyler jumps down to follow)

(As Skyler runs behind the other vans, he pulls a gun holstered on his thigh. The EVA hand gun is larger then a normal human gun.)

(Skyler aims and fires a shot at the van. It blasts a huge dent in the back door. He fires again and blows both doors off. One of the trench coat guys starts shooting at him but the bullets just bounce off. In an act of desperation he flings three silver spheres at Skyler, they ignite and he becomes a running fireball.)

(On the other side Joe and Alison keep shooting back at Nasron as he tosses exploding marbles at them)

Joe: (shouting) You like playing with balls? Well try playing with my balls!

Alison: (snickering) Hehehheh.

(Joe tosses five black smoke bombs and grenade from out of the glove compartment)

(Nasron stars to cough and is thrown back by the grenade)

Joe: Ha! Take that you little bastard!

(Now on the other side Skyler still on fire, jumps up in the air to cool the fire. After landing he has black scorch marks on his body. Still running, he takes aim and right before the trench coat guy can throw anything...)

[BLAM!]

(The shot rips his arm off, causing the balls to ignite in the back of the van. The trench coat guy falls out; Skyler jumps over him and continues his pursuit)

(The bridge merges back into one and further up is a police blockade)

Alison: Aw shit, it?s the Five-O!

Joe: Always when you don?t need em?.

(The three vans stop in front of the blockade, Skyler Alison and Joe Stop behind them)

(Skyler talks to the cops and shows his bounty hunter permit as he tries to explain what happened, the fire department puts out the fire in the back of the van that Skyler shot at.)

Joe: Well? That was cool. (Lights up a cigarette)

Alison: ...

(Note: Joe?s favorite brand of cigarette is Cancer Slims? So smooth you?d swear it was only benign)

(Just then, a loud sound comes from the vans)

Alison & Joe: ??????????

(All three of the vans stand up on big metallic legs and from the sides come big arms with claws)

Joe: They're transformers?!?

Alison: Shit!

(By the blockade)

Skyler: What the??

[SLAM!]

(The Van-bot hits Skyler into the blockade)

Voice of Nasron: I?ll get you all for picking on me!

(A yellow beam from the top of the Van-bot blasts the place where Skyler got smacked and the other two start blasting the blockade and everything else)

(Joe uses his dark shields and Alison uses her psy shield to protect themselves. It looks like a green flame grading the car)

(As the cops flee, the onslaught continues. Suddenly an inhuman cry pierces the air)

(Out of the burning rubble)

Skyler: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{Cue badass fight music}

(Skyler charges at one of the Van-bots. His hands crackle with electricity and fire as he punches the Van-bot backwards, and then hits with a devil-slam and after that a scissor-kick!)

(The other Van-bot tries to blast Skyler yet again)

Skyler: A.T. Fieldo!!!!!

(Skyler stands his ground as the blast hits his A.T. Field and shows up as orange ripples)

(In the car)

Joe: Please tell me you brought it.

Alison: Hell's yes I did! (Slams a button on the dashboard that opens the trunk)

(Joe runs to the back of the car)

Joe: Right on!

(Joe pulls an almost man-sized cross out of the trunk, then runs in front of the car. He aims the bottom end of the cross at Nasron?s Van-bot)

Joe: How do you like me now!

(The end of the cross splits open and Starts rapid-firing at the Van-bot)

Joe: Say hello to the Cross-Punisher!

(The battle keeps on raging as Skyler holds back the other two Van-bots)

(In the car)

(Alison looking in the back seat for some weapons)

Alison: Not this one.

(Toss a gun out of the way)

Alison: Ooo! This one!

(Alison pulls out a big sniper rifle looking gun)

Alison: Skyler?s magnum rifle, this should do the trick.

(She pulls her hat backwards, gets into a sniper pose, and readies herself)

(Skyler keeps thrashing a Van-bot backwards till it's in Allison?s range)

(She aims and fires)

[WHOOSH!]

(The projectile flies through the air so fast it creates a vacuum, finally it blasts into the driver of the Van-bot. Skyler gives Alison a thumbs up.)

(Joe and Nasron continue to firefight. Joe assaults him with the Cross-Punisher, but Nasron uses his side-mounted gattling-gun. Joe?s dark shields take the hits as blue flames burst around him)

(Alison takes out another Van-bot? Now there is only one.)

(Joe?s Dark shields are starting to give out and his Cross Punisher machine gun is overheating)

Joe: Ah crap!

(Skyler leaps atop Nasron Van-bot and starts smashing its head)

Voice of Nasron: (blasting everything in sight) I?LL KILL YOU ALL!!!!!!!!

(The plate armor falls off as Joe keeps shooting)

Alison: Damn, I can?t get a shot in!

(Alison jumps out of the car and runs up to the side of where Skyler and Joe are fighting. She locks and loads. Aims and? FIRE!)

(The shot enters Nasron's head from the right and splatters the rest on the left)

(Skyler jumps down)

(Joe sits on the ground and looks at his smoking Cross Punisher)

Joe: *Huff puff*?The power of god never kicked so much ass?

Alison: (Holding up the Magnum Rifle) Let?s get out of here?

(They all get in the car and head back to the Outlaw Star)


**********************

(The cockpit/bridge of the Outlaw Star)

Skyler: Well that was a bust.

Alison: I'm not one to say i told you so...

(Allison starts up the A.I install? It hits 100%)

Skyler: A.I systems operational.

A.I Voice: Am I active?

Skyler: Hello, do you know who you are?

A.I Voice: I am Gilliam 1.5? This ships A.I system.

Skyler: And we are the crew. Now for your first order, prepare the ship for launch.

Gilliam: Do it yourself.

Skyler: What?

Gilliam: You heard me! I don?t feel like it right now.

Skyler: (shocked) But you can?t?

Gilliam: I can and I will? You morons

Joe: Two seconds and it's already insulting us. Why am I not surprised?

Skyler: (checks the screen output) There must have been more data corruption then I thought. I?ll try and fix it later?

Alison: Hey Joe, what?s in the case?

(Joe has Nasron?s suitcase on his lap)

Joe: Before we had to chase him I got Nas?s share of the stuff, so maybe it?s not such a loss after all.

(He opens the case and is startled by the contents)

Joe: Jesus!

(The penguin stands up)

Penguin: Robble?

Skyler: A penguin?

Alison: It's so cute!

Joe: Dammit!

(The penguin gets startled and starts pecking at Joe)

Joe: Ouch, ouch, ouch! Get it off! Get it off!

Gilliam: Now that?s some funny shit?


BETER PUT A BAND-AID ON THAT, SPACE COWBOY...


CLOSING CREDITS

{Cue good ending music}


UPCOMING EPISODE

Joe: Well, so this thing is finally under way.

Skyler: What's the meaning of all this?

Joe: It?s the preview man!

Skyler: Oh yeah. So what?s it about?

Joe: I dunno, can?t see the preview clips, it's all text.

Skyler: Damn. So what?s the next episode called?

Joe: Uhhh?

Skyler: Well?

Joe: Heart of Desire!

Skyler: That?s an Outlaw Star episode!

Joe: Oh...Well then it?s? Sympathy for the Devil!

Skyler: That?s a Cowboy Bebop episode!

Joe: Damn? How about? Rei II!

Skyler: Hey! I?m the only one who makes Evangelion references!

Joe: Ok?Then it?s? Sympathy for Rei?s Heart of Desire!

Skyler: Hey you can?t do that! That?s?

Joe: Too late, the preview's over!

Skyler: Oh my god?

Joe: Good night hosers!


Next Set:
SYMPATHY FOR REI?S HEART OF DESIRE

End Of File

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 10, 2002 02:24 PM: Message edited by: Suture-Chan ]</font>

[The Reverend Dark Angel]

You knew it was gonna happen Sutch... and you know it isn't going to be good.

I only got through about half this story before I couldn't take anymore. The dialouge is too simplistic, the story is drawn out, nothing is explained (sausage smuggler for one), the characters are completely two dimensional, and for a sci - fi, manga, whatever the hell this story is, I think it's followed the same suit that so many other's have, it loses it's point before it even has a chance to make it.

But keep your chin up, I've done that a thousand times over, you keep writing, you learn from your mistakes, and you get better.

[Suture-Chan]

You call that bad? I can take it,and so can my bro.

Meh, all's we can do is chalk it up, and make for the next one.

Dur.

[Katsuya]

Well…First of all, thank you for your opinion Dark Angel

In regards to your statement I would like to point out that this story is (or at least trying to be) A comedy. Most lines lead up to a joke of some kind, or a reference to a television show, movie or videogame (however diverse or unknown they may be)

I did not write this story in Playwright from like I do most of the time. I tried to make it like a cowboy bebop script. That’s the reason it’s rather un-descriptive at times. But even so I put in more narrative and description then any anime script I have ever read, and yes the story 'is' drawn out but if I hadn’t made it as long as it is no one would understand what the hell is going on in the scene

Most cowboy bebop scripts are 10 or 12 pages long, my story is 20 (or at least it was before Suture edited it)

It’s hard for me to believe you don’t know what a sausage smuggler is (no offense but how old are you?) If you must know it’s an improper sexual term from the old days (used by drunken sailors and old ladies)

Anyway the whole purpose of the story was to give Suture and my friend a good laugh, and from what I’ve herd it has served me well

And next time please read the entire thing before you give constructive criticism

Until the next story… Adieu

(Like anyone’s ever going to read this [img]tongue.gif[/img] )

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 04, 2002 10:21 PM: Message edited by: Katsuya ]</font>

[SPYDERLUV]

*just learned what a sausage smuggler was*

[The Reverend Dark Angel]

*knows what a sausage smuggler is*

However a great majority of people who watch anime shows don't get out of the house much and more than likely would not.

And as for me reading the entire story before giving constructive criticism, keeping reader intrest will always depend upon whether or not someone will read the entirity of it all.

[Katsuya]

Ok then…if you say so

Here’s a question, you said the characters are completely two-dimensional

Can you tell me how you would deal with such a problem and, maybe give me an example?

[Biomechanoid]

*is a recovering former sausage smuggler from way back*

I tried to read it too, but I never really learned how...

[Katsuya]

*Wish's he hadn't put sausage smuggle in*

At least you tried.

[The Reverend Dark Angel]

Two Dimensional Characters: Characters that do not resonate any type of personality or characteristic that a reader can sympathize with.

Example of a Two Dimensional Character would be Batgirl from that God awful Batman and Robin movie. She had no personality of her own, she was a pointless addition given no dialouge and made to be a complete ignorance and annoyance during her entire performance on screen.

Way to avoid this: Cut out the one liner lingo and try to set a standard for how this character speaks and acts towards everyone. In your story the main character's, Joe, Allison, and Skyler all continually change the pace of their dialouge and actions towards other. One moment you have Allison as a drunken idiot but later on you show her as a compatent woman but then revert back to her being an airhead. Joe is just confusing with how you never really know what to make of him, his constant one liners and changing back and forth from bounty hunter to comic relief to status quo of the story line doesn't allow the reader to get a feel for who he is or what his purpose is. Skyler just makes no sense, is he the straight man or the jokester? If he's a robotic entity then why does he speak like a trend setting bio mechanic sub human?

Keep the dialouge in a constant flow and allow each character to have their say without having to continually revert back to the use of one liners. Find a personality that best suits each one and stick to that, it allows the readers to feel for the character and keeps the pace of the story at a level that is not only comprehendable but also smooth.

And yes, as of writing this I have read the entire story.