Loopy Lu's "Someday"

[Lanna786]

Figured it was a good idea to start a post for constructive criticism and comments and whatnot for when someone uploads a fic that they want an opinion on.

So if you haven't already, go check out Loopy Lu's "Someday", added to the Files in the Y!group. And if you haven't, <u>don't read any more here cause I will spoil it many times.</u> ***********************


Me being me, I didn't realize this is the same fic I had provided some comments on for you via email before, loopy. lol. ^_^' Similar comments from me again, but now I can make them a bit more specific yay!


Overall: good fic. Great idea! Has a kewl 6th Sense feel... [img]biggrin.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

Once again, I was confused by the personal pronouns. Usually every pronoun is supposed to have an antecedent, but in fics like this you don't want them to cause you want the audience to keep guessing. The problem is balancing this sense of mystery without falling into confusion... and I keep falling into confusion when I read the beginning.

Here, I'll edit the beginning a bit to provide non-name antecedents:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was leaving. Why, he did not know. She had given up her immortality and her family to be with him, but now she was leaving. Confused, he followed her.
She took nothing with her, save for the clothes she was wearing. He watched as she bid farewell to their son and daughters, a great sadness was in her eyes. Their son, Eldarion, looked directly at him, but made no move or sound as <s>his</s> the boy's eyes turned back to his mother. They embraced; as if it were the last time they were going to see one another.
?Farewell, naneth!? Eldarion cried as his mother left, never again to return.
<s>He</s> The Watcher? The man? walked up to his son to comfort him.
?Why is she leaving?? He asked <s>him</s> the boy, but no matter how loud he <s>was</s> spoke, his son didn?t hear him.
?Why did you go, Ada?? His son said.
?I didn?t leave, I am still here. Why do you ignore me?? But Eldarion said no more. Instead, he turned away and returned to his chambers.
<s>He</s> The man wanted his son to answer him, but he knew he wouldn?t. His son couldn?t hear him, and by the way he acted, he couldn?t see him either. Instead of demanding an answer, he turned to go after his love.


etc. I think that was the major part where I had trouble.

Also, if anyone is interested, I just uploaded a chap thing to y!group. I was just something I wrote awhile ago, bored one day, about the Dunedain and possibly a senshi born into the tribe (with gifts of foresight?) that helped lead them. Could be any senshi, possibly related to aragorn. Could also become a pure LotR fic. I really can't continue it, so let me know if you're interested. Thanks! ja!

[Loopy Lu]

Am hating you right now. Well, not hating, just annoyed. Justm go and promote my fic why don't you? [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Yes, i'm sure i added needs to be editted to the summary didn't i? no idea

READ IT PEOPLE! NEEDING FEEDBACK
That is all

[Lanna786]

hehe, gomen nasi! Guess that wasn't the help you were looking for? Er.. sorry?

::calli-chan cowers as she lends loopy her frying pan (ack! more pronouns problems! i cant do this either!) to whack calli with::

[Loopy Lu]

Lol, no i didn't mean it that way. but if you insist *THWACK*

No, i did need it. Seriously. When you replied to the email, i had nfi what you were talking bout. Dis is better: MUCH BETTER.

That is all

[Loopy Lu]

Have revised it, and have reposted it. Now reloaded onto Y!Messageboard. Any criticism please post here. Soon to be posted on FF.N

[Eyes_of_Pearl]

Overall it was really good especially the ending. Like Calli-chan said earlier, it was the first paragraph that was a little bit confusing but I *did* understand as the story progressed. One thing that I was confused about

(*Spoiler warning*!! is the part when Aragorn said he finally remember what happen to him ... so are you saying that he didn't remember that he died until Arwen came and joined him ... *not sure*)

I think that was probably the only part that was hard to understand but overall it was well written and keeping true to the romance between the couple.

[Loopy Lu]

Basically, yeah. Like, you know how in the movies how ghosts have all these 'powers'. People believe that they don't have powers until they know they're dead. ya know?

----------

"Sean Astin actually pushed me into the water when i was already in there" Billy
"I was tryin to help you" Sam
"Sure" Billy

[Eyes_of_Pearl]

Ok thanks for the clarifications. Like I said before, your fic is really well written. I can almost picture it as I was reading it, so I can't wait until you post it at ff.net.