Heard any good ones lately?

[gus danger]

This one quacked me up!

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding
hrough the Afghan desert when he saw something far
off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked
toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish
man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on
it. The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you
have water?"


The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you
like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes
very nicely with your robes."


The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced
tie. I need water!"


"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you
do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I
will show you that you have not offended me. If you
walk over that hill to the East for about two miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way!
The restaurant has all the water you need!"


The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four
hours later the Arab came staggering back to where the Jewish man was
sitting at his table.


The old man said, "I told you, about two
miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"


"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "But your
brother won't let me in without a tie....."

[furikkia blu]

[img]biggrin.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[gus danger]

NAVAJO MESSAGE TO THE MOON

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project,
it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in
Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among
the rocks The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked
a question.His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were
practicing
for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this
comment
the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it
would be
possible to give to the astronauts a message to
deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw
one,
a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said,
"Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a
tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone
were brief.
The NASA official asked the son if he would
translate what his
father had said. The son listened to the
recording and laughed
uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby
Navajo village
and played it for other members of the tribe.
They too laughed
long and loudly, but also refused to translate
the elder's message
to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned.
After he finally stopped laughing,
the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ********.
THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

That one definitely quacked me up!

Gus

[crimsoncurrent]

A man visits his doctor. 'Doc', he says, 'there's something terribly wrong. I wake up each day with a fearsome headache that lasts well into the afternoon, my stomach is never settled, and I get these terrible shakes.' The doctor performs some tests, and tries to reassure his patiet. 'Mr Smith, your blood pressure is slightly high, but nothing to worry about, likewise your chesterol. Your heart is strong, your gut functions fine and I can find no neurological abnormailty. I can only put it down to the drinking.'

'Oh, don't you worry about that' says the man, 'I'll come back when you've sobered up.'

[gus danger]

Hi Gregg!
Long time no see! Good to see ya hereabouts!
So, howz things on your side of the pond???

Dude, that one REALLY quacked me up! I will try to top that one...it may take a while though....ummm? and for now, it would seem...



TTFN
Gus

[crimsoncurrent]

Things are good. Touch wood!

We've been gettin some strangely warm sunny weather I keep waking up to clear blue skies...I can't get over it. I'm not sure what goin on..by next week it'll be back to normal but if thats Global warming then I aint complaining!

The forums coasting along pretty much by itself nowadays and its more fun to just let it ride.


[img]tongue.gif[/img]

[IrishMick]

this has always been one of my faves:

MARRIED WOMAN'S GIRLS NIGHT OUT


The other night I was invited for a night with "the girls." I told my husband I would be home by midnight,
"I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down WAY too easy.
Around 3:00 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up; I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape
a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed)...3 cuckoos plus
9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNITE.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him"Midnight"!
He didn't seem pissed off at all. Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why? he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, "Oh sh#@." cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the coffee table and farted."

[gus danger]

<marquee></marquee>
Did THAT one quack me up?

You bet it did!!!

Gus

[gus danger]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my , I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, he said, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, she replies. . . . . "


"You just happened to catch my eye."
[img]wink.gif[/img]
GD

[gus danger]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."


[img]graemlins/guy.gif[/img]
GD