Heard any good ones lately?

[gus danger]

Yesterday morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned big jim and the twins, ruined the **** phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

**** women drivers!!
<center>
GD</center>

[SouthwestRanger]

Subject: The Pastor's ***

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read...

PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR 'S *** This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS *** FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life, stop worrying about everyone else's *** and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

[furikkia blu]

[img]biggrin.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[IrishMick]

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES...

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.

I didn't know you liked beer.

[ellanoize]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.


He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.


They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! ! !


"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "


"No, " she replies. .. . . . "


She says:


"You just happened to catch my eye."

[mindless]

Hey Gus, here's particularly raunchy one, you young'uns avert yer eyes [img]wink.gif[/img] One of my Myspace buddies sends me a joke almost every day and here's todays!

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop,
"what do you do?" I'm a ****** stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A ****** stretcher? And just what does a
****** stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and
then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.

" "And just what the **** do you do with a 6 foot ******* ?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS

[gus danger]

Oh my, mindless! Good thing for the auto-censor! LOL!

Here's an hilarious one!

This is what marriage is really all about "

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them..."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

(This is great)


**********


**********


**********


**********


**********


"THE TEETH."


Gus

[ellanoize]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please Come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh,........


"We can put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[home girl]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells
her that her hair smells nice.the woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and
tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.the supervisor
is puzzled what's wrong with the coworker telling
you that your hair smells nice? the woman replies
he's a midget.

[mindless]

Yeah Gus good thing for those filters, I realized you can't edit posts too late [img]smile.gif[/img]

2007 Darwin Awards

The Darwin awards are given each year to those who manage to
eliminate themselves from the human gene pool.

The candidates this year are....

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said
Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind,
and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels,
trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but
could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones
was pronounced dead at a hospital.


Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , CA , as he fell face-
first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit he floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as he won a
bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington,
DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing in
handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police
patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee
before work.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and
fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a
9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by
customers, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was
pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene
investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange
of fire.


HONOURABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his
wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew
up in their car. While driving around at 2AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.


RUNNER UP:

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends in Tacoma,
Washington when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-
jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the
bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was
rescued by two nearby fishermen.

"All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on
that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER...

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed
his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than
a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm
finally let fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected ********** knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top
of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With
no one there to help him, he lay under all that **** for at least an
hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated."

It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves..."Sh*t does
happen."