Heard any good ones lately?

[home girl]

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming lady giving him the eye.in a casual manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life.both walked back to the desk and registered as mr and mrs.after a three day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out.the clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.there is a mistake here he protested.i have been here only three days.yes replied the clerk,but your wife has been here a month.

[gus danger]

That was a great one Janet! See what ya think of this one!

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring down rain out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

So, the man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
[img]graemlins/beer.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img]
Gus

[home girl]

[img]biggrin.gif[/img] That was a good one gus.

[gus danger]

Glad ya liked it Janet. Try this one on for size!

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found
the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride
ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young
wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her
step mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a
million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later,
they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped
for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the
other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear
it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

[home girl]

That was very funny Gus here's another one
Two old ladies were outside the nursing home having a smoke,when it started to rain.one of
the ladies pulled out a condom,cut off the the
end put it over her cigarette and continued smoking LADY 1 what's that? LADY 2 a condom this
way my cigarette doesn't get wet and continued
smoking.lady 1 where did you get it?LADY 2 you
can get them from any drug store.the next day
LADY 1 hobbles herself into the drug store and
announces to the pharmacist that she want's a
box of condoms.the guy obviously embarrassed,
looks at her strangely she is after all over 80 but very delicately asks what kind she would prefer?LADY 1 doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel.the pharmacist fainted!!!

[IrishMick]

Now thats funny home girl!! LMAO! [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

[ellanoize]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly collapsed.

The judge instructed both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[gus danger]

Those were some good ones muchachos!

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the
day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer,
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"MY ROLEX!!!"

[img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]
Gus

[KellyJ]

LOL!!!!!! [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[Wingnut!]

TALKING DOG

Aman is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

"Talking Dog for sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from hearing the dog talk, he says "So what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the govenment, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious charaters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten Dollars," the guy says.

"Ten Dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth would you sell him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s***."


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Sounds just like an article I read about George W. in GQ magazine!....LOL....Super Spy, agent 86...LOL