OT: Might be getting a new family member *Update*

**Gomunk** · September 21st, 2006, 04:56 PM

I know this is off topic, but I wanted to share the news of possibly extending our family.
Let me start off with some background stuff: My fiance has been fighting a battle with his ex-wife about the son she had while they were married.
Well, today, my fiance got a call at work telling him that he may get custody of him becasue his ex-wife has gotten into some trouble that she cannot get out of. She has a history of not being a good mom, so I feel no guilt whatsoever for opening up my heart and home to him.
The little boy is now 4 1/2. I have never met him, and my fiance hasn't seen him in 3 years, but from what I know of him he is a sweet kid with a big heart. He has had soem medical problems in the part, and I have a strong feeling that he hasn't received the proper medical care.
I am excited about the possibility of getting custody of him, but am unsure what to expect. In his 4 years the little guy has been through a lot and I'm unsure how he would react to coming across the conutry to live with people he considers strangers. My guess is that he'll either be skittish and shy, or (hopefully) he'll see love, affection, toys, and good food and come to us with open arms.
I'm unsure of how my own kids will react to this sitaution at first, so I haven't told them anything yet, and probably won't until we are sure he's coming to live with us. I think they will be okay with it. My oldest son is 3 1/2 and there is a 9 month difference in thier age. Dylan (my oldest) is a very friendly person and I really think that they would get along great.
I know that this would mean a lot of changes in our life, but I am okay with that. Anybody have any suggestions on handling 3 kids, especailly 3 boys? [img]smile.gif[/img]

**UPDATE**
The ex-wife's parents may be stepping in and try to fight for custody too, since they are in the same state. The little boy also has a 2 year old sister who has a differnt father, but he is the same trouble as the mom. The question now is: do the courts really want to separate the kids? We are unsure where the kids are, so my fiance called the ex-wife's parents to see if they knew what was going on; we got thier machine, so hopefully we'll hear from them soon.

<font color="#33CCCC" size="1">[ September 21, 2006 07:35 PM: Message edited by: Gomunk ]</font>

Polly Marie · September 21st, 2006, 05:05 PM

No advice since I've had three daughters, not sons. If this happens, I'll be praying for wisdom and physical strength for you.
Having 3 boys would be a handful! But it is well worth it if it helps this little guy. [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

**CallingCadence** · September 21st, 2006, 05:07 PM

In my own experience with kids, moving, and ex spouses, I have learned that children are extremely resilient. He might be scared at first of people he doesn't know, but continuously trying to include him in everything will help him see he is part of the family. Routines are another good thing- especially if he is coming from an uncertain environment. Kids get security from routines, they feel safe knowing what to expect.

I think if you and your fiance talk about it as soon as you find out what his situation is going to be, you guys will be able to come up with a good plan for the whole family. [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

**mayergirl** · September 21st, 2006, 05:09 PM

First of all, congrats on your new addition [img]wink.gif[/img] It sure sounds like you're going to be able to give him a great home, just like every kid deserves. Second, I think it's just great they're all so close in age. As they grow up, they'll be friends and brothers. The only recommendation I have for you is sleep now, you're going to be running for years, lol! I think you've already got two very lucky litle boys, and another one headed your way [img]smile.gif[/img] Enjoy them!

**cowgirlsue** · September 21st, 2006, 06:09 PM

Wow, that's exciting news. It's hard to know what to expect. I imagine he'll probably miss his mother no matter how poorly she did by him, so that's something to expect and prepare for emotionally.

You'll provide a loving home for the little man, and some big brothers, too! That's wondferful!

**crsanthmum** · September 21st, 2006, 06:38 PM

Best of luck to you if everything works out. I have a situation somewhat similar to yours. My Dh fathered a daughter when he was in college. She is 15 now and has had issues with her "Unworthy" mother for many, many years. A few times we thought that his daughter may come and be with us-He only sees her maybe 1x every few years. Alas, she is 15 and her friends mean alot to her so she cant bring herself to leave them, her mom is another story. We always tell her that our home is her home and she is welcome anytime.
I know the age difference is different between our "Kids" but , all that matters is will he be coming into a home with more-not just stuff-than he would be getting where he is.
I wish you all the best, it sounds like youve thought it out alot and you would be very welcoming, just whae a little kid needs, to feel safe and loved.

**muppetquilter** · September 21st, 2006, 07:39 PM

My best advice is to check out the adoption section at the library. Look at the books on toddler/preschooler adoption and older child adoption. I realize this is not the same sort of situation but there are a ton of resources to help children and parents adjust to these sorts of situations and the adoption books tend to pool all those resources into one spot-- just makes it easier. You ought to be able to easily find books that will give you a good overview of the sorts of reactions to expect and strategies for handling the behaviors. You will also find ways to find support groups and additional help if you need it.

If at all humanly possible, it would be in the little boy's best interest to meet you and your fiance (he won't remember him so the little boy will be starting from scratch with a stranger) and spend some time with you before he moves in with you. Start with a very brief visit-- at his current home or a nearby park. Move up to longer visits and let him visit your home and meet your children before he moves in.

I think you are absolutely right not to tell your children anything till you know for certain what is going to happen. This may bring up questions of whether they could be taken away from you and may need a little extra reassurance.

Good luck! Kids this age adjust well, it just takes time. Some kids act out at the beginning, sometimes there is a "honeymoon" phase and they act later. Generally, it takes about a year for everyone to settle in thoroughly.

**Gomunk** · September 21st, 2006, 10:20 PM

Thank so much for the sugestions and kind words. I'm including an update in my orinal post.

Polly Marie · September 21st, 2006, 10:36 PM

How sad! These kids need prayers and a wise judge.
I can't answer your question, but I know this must be breaking your fiance's and your hearts.
I'll pray for all. Please keep us up-dated.

<font color="#33CCCC" size="1">[ September 21, 2006 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Polly Marie ]</font>

**amyjoy** · September 21st, 2006, 10:39 PM

I will be praying that the kids go to the best stable family and are able to stay there and be loved. [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]
Hope things workout well for your family. [img]graemlins/girl_hug.gif[/img]