a few more (non-Hallowe'en) laughs from Ma Peeker

**Peter Peeker** · November 1st, 2005, 04:10 AM

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

_____________________________________________

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years
in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the
congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say
his own few words while they waited.

" I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost
murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents,
embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his
boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was
appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good
and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full
of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said
the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one
to go to him in confession."
___________________________________________

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye.....

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought......

Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....

On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the
door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell....

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may
we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business.".....

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented....

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the door.....

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the
large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's
cup.....

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling shut
behind him........

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign that reads:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
____________________________________________

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves
for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket
at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she
is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde
women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. Then he asks her
why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.........

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!!!"

___________________________________________

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."
_________________________________________

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A
huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted

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**Peter Peeker** · November 1st, 2005, 04:17 AM

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked
the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy (little Johnny) raised his
hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs.
Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as
hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either.

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