For no good reason, the three grossest jokes I know

**Biomechanoid** · March 31st, 2004, 02:26 PM

A Greasy Stick

Brothers Jim and Bill are avid sportsmen, but Bill is even more avid about booze. On one particular weekend deer-hunting excursion, Bill spends Friday evening getting loaded while Jim diligently prepares for the next day's hunt. Becoming annoyed by his brother's loud flatulent expressions as he staggered about the camp, Jim finally says, "knock that off or you'll scare all the game away." Bill purposely rips another one in protest. Disgusted, Jim gives him a stern look and says, "you know Bill, one of these days you'll get so drunk you'll fart your guts right out." And with that Jim settled into his tent for the night. Jim wakes up very early, and in the dim lights of the campfire he can find no sign of Bill. Thinking he may very well have taken his advice, sobered up and gone out early, Jim finishes his coffee and heads out into the woods. Fortune smiles on Jim early, and he bags a magnificent 10-point buck before the sun has fully risen. He cleans and guts the animal, and starts back to camp. Along the way, he spots his brother sitting on a log. As he gets closer, he realizes that Bill is asleep with his hairy bum hanging over the other side of his perch. Jim shakes his head realizing that Bill had passed out while doing his morning business. Then a smile creeps across his face. Jim scurries back to camp as quietly as possible and hangs his deer. Next, he scoops the innards into a bucket, goes to where Bill is still snoring away, and carefully arranges the organs in a pile under his brother's foul rump. He gets quite a chuckle from the site, and then goes back to camp to tidy up and have some lunch. Some time goes by, and Jim begins to have some concern that maybe his brother wasn't feeling well, when a blood curdling scream breaks the serenity of the forest. Moments later, Bill stumbles out of the thicket toward camp. He was white as a ghost with eyes big as saucers. "Where have you been," Jim nonchalantly asks.
"Jim you were right," Bill starts, "I was pretty hung over this morning when I went out to drop a load in the woods. I guess I must have fallen asleep, but when I woke up I realized I did just what you said would happen!" Pausing to catch his breath, Bill exclaims, "Jim I farted my guts out!"
Jim can barely contain himself. He manages to keep a straight face long enough to ask, "what did you do?"
Bill replies, "I think I'll be ok, Jim. By the grace of God and a greasy stick I believe I got them all back in." [img]eek.gif[/img]

Nachos

A man stricken with leprosy enters a bar. He finds a stool and summons the bartender.
"Kind sir," he says, "I've come to your establishment to have a few drinks and forget about my sorrows for a bit. As you can probably see, I have leprosy, and I know that my appearance is rather disgusting. If this is a problem for you or your other patrons, I understand, and I'll find somewhere else to drink today." The bartender shakes his head and assures him that he'll have no problems, and that his patrons are kind enough folk to not be offended by the man's many oozing blisters. So he has a few drinks at the bar, and really feels as if he's found a place where he can go and relax. Just then he notices the bartender vomiting into a bucket behind the bar. "Sir," he calls. The bartender comes to where he is and asks what he can get for him. "No, sir," says the leper, "I'm going to settle my tab and be on my way before I sicken you any more. I saw you vomiting in the bucket there, so I know my appearance has gotten to you. I'm not upset, in fact I wouldn't have blamed you for kicking me out. Thank you for your kind service."
"Nonsense," says the bartender. "It's not you, it's just that for the last ten minutes the drunk beside you has been dipping his nachos in your arm." [img]confused.gif[/img]

Just Wrong

A man and his wife are having trouble being intimate after many years of marriage. He works many late nights and comes home to find his wife already asleep in bed. One night he decides to make a move that he hopes will reignite the spark in their relationship. He comes home late as usual and finds his wife just as he expected. Without saying a word, he slips under the covers and begins performing cunnilingus. She writhes with pleasure, and in no time she's climaxing, and moaning with convulsive glee. Convinced that he's gotten the job done, he quietly slips back out of the bed and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he gets there, he's surprised to find his wife shaving her legs. Confused, the man exclaims, "what are you doing in here?!"
"Shhh!" she says, pointing to the bedroom. "You'll wake your mother." [img]graemlins/gulp.gif[/img]

Honorable Mention:

Sandpaper Sally

A desperate man seeks service at a brothel. He explains to the madam that he doesn't have much money, but absolutely needs to get some real pussy, or he'll die. Rolling her eyes, she tells him that they can make an arrangement, but the quality won't be great. He tells her he doesn't care as long as it's pussy. So, she ushers him to a room and tells him to wait. Within a few minutes, a fairly attractive young prostitute enters the room, and she begins to fulfill his needs. But the friction is too much for the man, and he asks her to stop.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
"That's very rough," he says. "Is there anything you can do about that?"
"Hold on," she says. She then gets up and leaves the room. After a few minutes, she's back, and they go at it again, this time much to the man's delight. They finish, and with a satisfied grin the man finally asks, "so what did you do to make that so much better?"
"Oh, nothing really," she replies. "I just picked off all the scabs."

Goes great with breakfast.