Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Short script

  1. #1
    Inactive Member fletch137's Avatar
    Join Date
    November 22nd, 2005
    Posts
    6
    Follows
    0
    Following
    0
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    0 Post(s)

    Post

    Well, now. It's like Christopher Durang collaborated with Ianesco. I admit my mind doesn't run well to the surreal, but I'll try my best.

    If I follow this right, Julie is a fictional character performing the actions her writer, William, is generating. However, in the end she rebels against her "programming" and chooses a life of her own. Is that anywhere close?

    The non-reflection casting William in the restaurant (nice touch, by the way. A good way to illustrate he's just an observer) is his mind's eye watching the scene unfold as he writes it on his laptop. The only thing I can't find a place for is all the Julies. I would say they were different versions of the story that William has deleted and rewritten (just as the main Julie is replaced), but since each action is the same as before, I don't see any of the revision work. Plus I'm a little confused as to why there's a Julie watching the performance from the screening room.

    Possibly something that could be better understood watching it than reading it, but I fear some of it's lost on me as a reader.

    Having said that, I do have some notes. Hopefully they're going in a direction you're looking for:

    1. The bruise on Julie's face seems an afterthought. If it's key to her motivation for killing Rob, it should be introduced. Perhaps putting her chilled wine glass against the bruise?

    2. I was vague on the "unflattering angle" of Rob the screenroom is showing. Is it exaggerated to represent what Julie thinks of him (like big buck teeth if she thinks he's a baffoon) or is it her real POV that happens to be from a bad angle?

    3. The first cut from the screening room to the restaurant when Julie stands to go to the bathroom is a great opportunity to show the interconnectedness of the two scenes. Emphasise the cut on action so that the screening room image starts to rise and then cut to the restaurant where Julie finishes standing. There should be no doubt after that that the screening room is showing the action from Julie's mind as she performs it.

    4. I admit I'm vague on the role of the multiple Julies and the screening room, but I kept wanting the Julie #2 to be doing something. Why is she a zombie? Instead of invoking mystery or supsense, it makes me a little impatient and drops me out of the story as I become too aware it's a script.

    5. It struck me as odd when she pulls the pool ball and the sock from her purse as I can't think of a good reason they wouldn't already be assembled if she carried them both in. I suspect a weighted sock would be hard for the audience to realize without the assembly, but what if she was carrying a gun? She could be shooting everything that needs breaking, but it's not until she throws the gun at William (thus divesting herself of the prop she'd been assigned) that she finds the way to William's real life apartment. Just rambling here...

    6. When you described Julie as walking past Rob so he could spank her, I imagined him sitting with his back to the ladies Room (why else would she have to walk past him). If she came up behind him after leading the restroom and cracked him in the skull, would that change anything? I'm not sure why Rob suddenly stood up and took a swing at her anyway. Since she obviously came prepared to kill him, why the 'Greedo shoots first' moment?

    7. Since I don't suspect William wrote into his story that she sees William sitting in the restaurant, I suppose those things are her own reactions as opposed to something she's scripted to do. Is there anyway of differentiating her actions from the scripted motions she's following?

    8. Like I said, I like the no-refelction-for-William thing. Having him vanish when she attack him, though, seems a little cliche. If the goal is for her to break the mirror, let her hit him only to find that he wasn't actually in the room. He was JUST a reflection in the mirror. That's a hard visual to get out of my head and into words so I hope that came across as I intended.

    9. When Julie leaves the screening room and enters the bathroom stall, I have to ask why she was hiding. Since later scenes illustrate she's invisible, why not just cut to that right here. Have Julie 2 walk into the restroom, startling Julie 1 until she realizes #2 can't see her at all. Then Julie 1 can just follow her out.

    10. I'm unclear how she gets to the screening room the 2nd time. She deflates, crestfallen, and then finds herself in the screening room. Does the scene shift around her or did she go through the broken mirror again?

    11. During your rapid series of shots, are these all duplicate footage repeating itself or does she get increasingly frustrated through each iteration to show she's doing this in real time?

    12. The hissing cat at the invisible girl is a popular movie convention. Usually writers arrange it for animals and baby's to be able to see the ghost characters just because it's hard to direct a baby or animal to act like they don't see him. Is that what's going on here? Having the cat react to her solidifies that she's a real person, but William still can't see her? That really had me confused.

    13. As she reads Williams computer, you lose me on the location. Is the whole narrative reenacted? Do we go back to the restaurant?

    I was a little more unclear on this story than anything else. Not so much because of your writing as your topic. Still, I tried to give the best criticism I could. Hopefully having to explain it to a lunkhead like me will help you spell out your ideas better.

  2. #2
    HB Forum Owner curtinparloe's Avatar
    Join Date
    July 25th, 2004
    Posts
    172
    Follows
    0
    Following
    0
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    0 Post(s)

    Post

    Well, getting the ball rolling, here's a short script of mine for you to destroy [img]wink.gif[/img] . Hostboard doesn't lend itself to screenplays, so I've arranged it as best I can. Scenes and Characters are in Bold, dialogue is in italics...

    FADE IN:
    INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING

    The restaurant is exclusive and sleek, with a huge mirrored wall along the length of the dining room. JULIE sits at a dining table in a quiet area. Young and pretty, she wears a smart but inexpensive dress. She has an old bruise on her cheek. She holds a wineglass in her hand and occasionally looks at her watch. Across from her sits ROB, smarmy and much less cultured than he believes himself. He is drunk.

    ROB leans forward and tries to kiss JULIE. She pulls away and he grunts. He leans back and takes a large gulp of his wine, belching loudly.

    INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT
    In the darkness, almost filling our vision is a huge projection screen. On the screen is JULIE?s view of ROB. It?s not a flattering angle.

    INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
    A WAITER approaches and JULIE fumes as ROB swings an empty winebottle into the WAITER?s stomach. The WAITER glowers at the oblivious ROB and stalks away.

    INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT
    A GIRL, mostly silhouette, sits in a comfortable armchair and watches the screen, which shows JULIE?s view of the disgruntled WAITER bringing a fresh bottle of wine.

    INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
    JULIE stands up.

    JULIE
    I have to powder my nose.

    JULIE walks past ROB, who slaps her bottom. She seethes.

    She sees a young man, wearing jeans and a many-holed T-shirt and sporting a severe case of bed-hair. His name is WILLIAM, and he watches her walk to the bathroom. She glances back at him occasionally, puzzled.

    INT. LADIES? BATHROOM - NIGHT
    JULIE rinses her face in the sink and looks at herself in the mirror. She looks terrible.

    INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT
    The GIRL doesn?t move. The screen shows JULIE?s view of herself in the mirror.

    INT. LADIES? BATHROOM - NIGHT
    JULIE straightens up her clothes, pulls a billiard ball and a sock from her bag. She drops the ball in the sock, and knots the end around her hand. She looks again at her reflection, and half-conceals the ball-filled sock in her hand.

    INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
    WILLIAM is still watching her. She stares at him as she walks back to the table. ROB stands up as she arrives and starts to swing a punch at her. Twirling the sock around her head, she smashes it into ROB?s temple. He sighs and crumples to the floor. She turns to look at WILLIAM, who remains unmoving. She walks right up to him, staring at him. He returns her gaze impassively. It now becomes apparent that he doesn?t have a reflection in the big mirror.

    Fascinated, JULIE reaches forward to touch him, and as her fingers make contact she recoils, as if given a shock.

    She swings the balled sock over her head.

    JULIE
    Stop staring at me.

    She swings the sock at his head. As it makes contact, he disappears and the mirror behind him shatters. Beyond it is a darkened room. She reaches out to the junction between the two rooms.

    INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT
    JULIE?s hand pushes through the screen. The GIRL makes no movement. JULIE pushes harder, and breaks through, tumbling onto the floor.
    JULIE leaps to her feet and grabs the GIRL, shaking her. The GIRL remains in a zombie state. JULIE holds her up to the light from the projector and we see that the GIRL is also JULIE ? JULIE#2. JULIE drops her to the floor and backs away.

    She reaches the wall and scrambles along it, her hands groping randomly in the near darkness. Her hand finds a door handle, and she opens the door. Light comes streaming in. She runs through.

    INT. LADIES? BATHROOM - NIGHT
    JULIE emerges from a cubicle, looking around wildly. She recognises her surroundings and runs back into the cubicle. There is no way out of there.

    The bathroom door opens. JULIE closes the door of the cubicle, leaving just a crack to peek through. JULIE#2 walks in, repeating the actions of arming the sock. She leaves, JULIE follows.

    INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
    JULIE#2 walks to the table, completely oblivious to WILLIAM watching her. JULIE walks up to WILLIAM, who continues watching JULIE#2?s murder of ROB. JULIE waves her hand in front of WILLIAM?s face and receives no reaction.

    She runs over to the main entrance and tries to open the front door. It won?t budge.
    In desperation she throws the sock at WILLIAM. It misses and hits the mirror, which doesn?t break.

    She runs to the door to the kitchen and tries that. It won?t open.

    Apoplectic, she rushes over to where her weapon landed, and picks it up. She hits WILLIAM over the head, and he promptly disappears, the mirror smashing behind him. She deflates, crestfallen.

    INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT
    JULIE stands between the screen and the armchair. Sat in the armchair is JULIE#3. Behind her on the screen is JULIE#2?s point of view of the dying ROB.

    SERIES OF SHOTS:
    A) JULIE runs through the screening room past a recumbent JULIE and opens the door.
    B) JULIE swings a blow at WILLIAM?s head and runs through the smashed mirror.
    C) JULIE runs out of the cubicle and pushes past an unseeing JULIE.
    D) JULIE swings a blow at WILLIAM?s head and runs through the smashed mirror.
    E) JULIE runs through the screening room past a recumbent JULIE and opens the door.
    F) JULIE runs out of the cubicle and pushes past an unseeing JULIE.

    INT. LADIES? BATHROOM - NIGHT
    JULIE runs out of the cubicle and heads for the door. She stops, and looks over at the mirror.

    INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
    The room is warm and comfortable. A mirror hangs over the fireplace. WILLIAM sits on the sofa. He is fairly young, and wears pyjamas. He has a laptop on his knee, and he feverishly types. A cat sits next to him, licking itself.

    The kitchen door opens and JULIE peers in. WILLIAM doesn?t look up. The cat jumps and hisses at her.

    WILLIAM strokes the cat, and it slinks off. He resumes typing.

    JULIE creeps across the room to WILLIAM, and reads over his shoulder.

    JULIE
    Twirling the sock around her head, she smashes it into ROB?s temple.

    She reacts. She turns to the door and sees blankness beyond. She tries to open the front door but it won?t budge.

    She swings the sock at WILLIAM but it bounces harmlessly off his head.

    She crosses to the mirror and tries to climb through it. Nothing happens. She swings the sock at it, and it explodes, sending shards of glass everywhere.

    WILLIAM looks up and frowns. He rises and walks into the kitchen. She crosses to the laptop and presses a few keys. She yanks out the power cord.

    INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT
    JULIE sits in the armchair watching the screen, which fades to black.

    INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
    ROB sits alone at the table. WILLIAM watches him. WILLIAM fades away.

    INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
    JULIE fades away. WILLIAM returns with a dustpan and brush, and sees the power cord. He runs over and plugs it in. He presses some keys and then slumps onto the sofa, his hand to his face.

    INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING
    In the same scene as before, JULIE sits with a wineglass, looking at her watch. She looks around, startled. ROB sits across from her, in a repeat of the first scene.

    She looks across the room at where WILLIAM had been sitting. The seat is empty.

    ROB leans in for a kiss, and JULIE obliges, much to ROB?s surprise. He sits back in his chair. She rises, waves goodbye, and then leave the table.

    By the entrance is a waste bin. She stops and drops the sock and the billiard ball into a wastebasket. She leaves the restaurant.
    FADE OUT.

  3. #3
    HB Forum Owner curtinparloe's Avatar
    Join Date
    July 25th, 2004
    Posts
    172
    Follows
    0
    Following
    0
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    0 Post(s)

    Post

    Thanks for the feedback, sorry it's taken so long to get back to a PC...

    It was all pretty useful, I've replied to each of the points below.

    1) The bruise is a hint at her turbulent relationship, I'd hoped it would be enough to clue the viewer in to that.

    2) I suspect "angle" was a poor word choice. The intention is that it's her POV, with lighting and framing accentuating the worst features (eg an extreme closeup of him mouth chewing something open-mouthed, etc.)

    3) I didn't specify anything like that, seeing as that's a director's choice. It's certainly what I'd do though [img]wink.gif[/img]

    4) The other Julies are indeed throwbacks from an earlier version, however, they're meant to represent her "inner eye" (or inner monologue), and cause some ambiguity as to whether she's imagining the whole scene. Also, it's meant to signify that she's powerless to change anything.

    5) I know what you mean about the sock assembly. If anything, I'd change it to a blunt object (wine bottle or something), as I think it should be a shocking, visceral, and intimately physical act. A gun is like a nuclear weapon; you can use one without getting too close. As Leon says, "The last weapon an assassin learns is the knife..."

    6) This is the bruise thing again. I think it's not enough on it's own, and she's meant to be considering whether to go through with it. The attack is what decides her.

    7) The blurring between the scripted actions and her own independent actions was deliberate. I like confounding the viewer's expectations. Muahahaha!!!

    8) That's exactly what I was trying to put across. If he smashed like the mirror (leaving no pieces), it might work...

    9) Yes, that would work better.

    10) I was hoping I wouldn't have to write a repeat of the earlier scene where she breaks the mirror. One of my problems as a screenwriter is sometimes giving the audience too much credit.

    11) Again, that's for the director to decide.

    12) The cat's there because I have a cat. Not really any other reason.

    13) Not sure what you mean with this one. If you mean the part where she's reading, she just reads it out loud. That scene all takes place in his living room.

  4. #4
    Inactive Member fletch137's Avatar
    Join Date
    November 22nd, 2005
    Posts
    6
    Follows
    0
    Following
    0
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    0 Post(s)

    Post

    1) The bruise is a hint at her turbulent relationship, I'd hoped it would be enough to clue the viewer in to that.

    Your point came across as intended, I was just personally hoping for some acknowledgement of the bruise from the character. I realize now, though, this is based more on your style and can see what you're doing here.

    2) I suspect "angle" was a poor word choice. The intention is that it's her POV, with lighting and framing accentuating the worst features (eg an extreme closeup of him mouth chewing something open-mouthed, etc.)

    I understand completely now. I'd recommend putting that same clarification in your script. Directors have an amazing ability to "not get it".

    3) I didn't specify anything like that, seeing as that's a director's choice. It's certainly what I'd do though

    I disagree. I think you should take any opportunity you can to tell the director what to do. If the connectedness doesn't come across, the story's lost.

    4) The other Julies are indeed throwbacks from an earlier version, however, they're meant to represent her "inner eye" (or inner monologue), and cause some ambiguity as to whether she's imagining the whole scene. Also, it's meant to signify that she's powerless to change anything.

    Sorry, I'm still not getting this. I think I'm getting confused because the different Julies are doing different things. She sees one Julie watching the "movie", then follows another Julie from the bathroom to kill the boyfriend, etc.

    5) I know what you mean about the sock assembly. If anything, I'd change it to a blunt object (wine bottle or something), as I think it should be a shocking, visceral, and intimately physical act. A gun is like a nuclear weapon; you can use one without getting too close. As Leon says, "The last weapon an assassin learns is the knife..."

    I dig. I like the idea of her using a non-weapon to kill with. Keep the poolball weapon, but give a better reason for her to show the parts. Maybe instead of having a sock in her purse, she has to take off one of her nylons and use that.

    6) This is the bruise thing again. I think it's not enough on it's own, and she's meant to be considering whether to go through with it. The attack is what decides her.

    If she needs the additional motivation to kill, I'd have her chickening out until he provides it. She came out of the bathroom ready to kill, she can't enter the restaurant NOT ready to kill unless you script her hesitance.

    Having said that, it seems really artificial for him to suddenly stand up and deck her. I'm not sure how concerned you are with 'natural' given the bizarre scenario, but it doesn't flow as is.

    7) The blurring between the scripted actions and her own independent actions was deliberate. I like confounding the viewer's expectations. Muahahaha!!!

    Goal achieved. As long as you know what's scripted and what's independent. It'd be very satisfying to be able to go back for a second viewing and be able to make sense of what had confounded me before.

    8) That's exactly what I was trying to put across. If he smashed like the mirror (leaving no pieces), it might work...

    I see it as also taking the rest of the image with him, though, rather than just himself shattering. Like if he were sitting facing the mirror so that it was his reflection looking at July and the restaurant. Then 'paint' out the real body leaving just the reflection looking out. Frame it so you can't see the edge of the mirror and it looks like he's sitting in front of a mirror he casts no reflection in. When the mirror shatters, the audience will expect him to still be sitting in front of it, but his pieces fall away as well.

    That's how I saw it, anyway.

    9) Yes, that would work better.

    Hooray! I'm helping.

    10) I was hoping I wouldn't have to write a repeat of the earlier scene where she breaks the mirror. One of my problems as a screenwriter is sometimes giving the audience too much credit.

    I'm afraid you do have to write it. If it's not on the page, there's no reason to think it'll be on the screen. Whatever the audience sees needs to be written out. If you skip the whole stepping through the mirror again you should at least start the scene with "Julie steps through the broken screen as before" or "the scene morphs around her". Otherwise it's a jump cut.

    11) Again, that's for the director to decide.

    Still disagree. Whether or not the shots are identical is critical to the story you're telling. I think you'd want to spell it out.

    12) The cat's there because I have a cat. Not really any other reason.

    Aha! Nepotism! And a good reminder that not all character traits have to be story driven. I sometimes forget that.

    13) Not sure what you mean with this one. If you mean the part where she's reading, she just reads it out loud. That scene all takes place in his living room.

    I mean to ask if there's a scene change from the door not budging to the whirling sock.

    I'm glad to hear the inputs helping. When I get my "Boot Hill" script posted up here, I expect some comments from you in return.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •