<font face="Times New Roman"><font size="5">My wife Margie told me on Monday that the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus was holding Clown College auditions on Wednesday. I called on Tuesday to register.

A. Was there any chance at all that they would hire a fifty year old clown? No.

B. Was I going to let that keep me away from the auditions? Also, no.

When I got to the Allstate Arena, I went to check in and said, "I'm probably not on the list. I called yesterday and nobody called me back." The woman smiled and said, "Well, you're here now!" and handed me an audition form. I sat down next to Howie B. Doin' - a female clown whose nervousness translated into loud, chatty, cheery, constant talk. She was friendly, but in my own nervousness I just wanted to fill out my form and sit quietly. While I was doing this, a reporter from Channel 2 was working the table, asking people why they were there. In one of my few lucid moments of knowing Exactly What I Needed to Say to get on TV, I told her about working for 30 years in local comedy performing - this would be the ultimate challenge. "Besides," I said, "it's a job - which I don't have right now."

She stopped dead and said, "Are you saying you're here auditioning to be a clown because of the economy?"

"Oh, yeah."

She hurried away to the camera man, saying to me, "Don't move -- we wanna talk to you!"

After I turned in my form and had my picture taken - six close-ups, six full body shots - I was taken to the arena, where I was led immediately to the CBS camera:

Click here for video

Another video I just found.

Those people work very hard -- they spend two or three on-camera minutes with you to get two usable sentences. Then Karen Hoyer, an instructor from Clown College, started warm ups. All were geared toward broad but specific gestures that could be seen from the back rows of the arena. If I hadn't already seen Elaine May onstage, Karen would be my new comedy goddess. Or at least guru.

If you've ever been directed by me and were told "bigger", your mind would have been blown by this audition. Because I (we all) were constantly told "Bigger. Use the whole body." We had exercises in double-takes. Mimed movements of "Oh! I'm so in looooove! - But I really have to go to the bathroom..." It was Craig Heaven.

We were put into four lines. Each line was given a specific body language direction - shoulders back; chin out; etc. My group had to lead with our stomachs. The goal was for everybody to do the same action, but develop an individual character with it. Most people went with "I am rich, powerful and important! Stay out of my way!" I went with the idea that my stomach had a mind of its own and was taking me somewhere I didn't want to go, but had no power to stop. This is the movement you see me doing in the CBS tape.

Then, after a Ringling clown came out on eight foot tall stilts and did wobbly leg bits, a small clown showed us some Where's My Hat? shtick. Very W.C. Fields and very well done. Then a man clown & woman clown showed us this:

1. The man greets the audience; does a hat trick.
2. The woman enters, joyously greets him.
3. They rush to hug each other and completely miss.
4. They try it again and completely miss.
5. The woman is about to try again. The man gestures, "Stay there; I'll come to you."
6. He tips his hat as she goes to shake hands. They reverse this. And reverse again. They keep doing it. It gets faster and faster until the woman breaks into a dance.
7. The man stomps on her foot. She cries.
8. They hug. The woman, unseen by him, is sticking her tongue out at him.

This is the bit we all had to learn. We were told to pair up with someone; if anyone was odd man out, they would find a partner. I was left without a partner. I had to work with one of the Ringling clowns instead of another auditioner. Oh, drat. Heh heh heh heh...

This was the thing I did best yesterday, which made up for my mediocrity at some of the other physical stuff.

After this, people were told to get their props and do whatever specialty act they brought with them. I didn't have one, so I sat there for the next hour watching about 14 jugglers, most of whom were nervous and dropped things. Notables:
*One juggler who flew in from Denver for the auditions juggled seven balls at one time.
*There was a side-show guy who wrapped his leg around his neck. After unwrapping, he ate fire and set his arms on fire, putting them out quickly. Then... he brought out this large blanket filled with broken glass and walked barefoot on the glass. Then he grabbed Karen and a Ringling exec and brought them to the center. He put his face on the glass and had Karen stand on his face while the exec held her hand for balance. He asked if Karen wanted to try it with both feet. She declined.
*One young girl who was probably one of the finalists. She had a performance spark that would have made me cast her instantly in a show. She did Art Metrano's old Ed Sullivan Show bit of performing "magic" by making her fingers move from one hand to the other. But she didn't copy his song. What she did was go to members of the audience to verify that her fingers were indeed attached to her hands -- no tricks! They would pull her finger and she would make a fart sound, then blame the person for making her fart. She was cute as a button and could get away with the bit.

Everybody from the circus was extremely nice and very patient. I auditioned just for the experience, which was terrific. I learned things from Karen that will appall those of you who fall into my directing clutches for a farce and want to be low-key. Because it was all about communicating with the audience by using clear, specific choices. Subtlety here means that you don't make extraneous movements - make 'em big, make 'em clear and make 'em count.

There was no way I could have run away with the circus until March anyway: one thing I mentioned during the TV interview is that I have a paying acting gig coming up (I plugged the theatre). I got a dream role. A lead. For money. With a terrific director. I will be playing Charlie in The Foreigner for the Metropolis Arts Center in Arlington Heights, directed by David Belew. The only other cast member I know of right now is Dennis Brown as Froggy. So hopefully I'll see you in January and/or February.

It's the next best thing to being a clown.

Craig</font></font>

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ November 13, 2008 01:33 PM: Message edited by: Sgt. Bilko ]</font>