Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Bullet

  1. #1
    Inactive Member dwim's Avatar
    Join Date
    July 21st, 1999
    Posts
    692
    Follows
    0
    Following
    0
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    0 Post(s)

    Post

    Bullet

    Now, I must make this good
    Because it's for the one I love
    the one I adore
    And she waits patiently for me
    Like I search vigilantly for her...

    I raised this earth with borrowed equipment
    hoping like hell it would work
    I came with my hands covered in oil
    knowing that I'll never be satisfied
    I ran far away from here
    never sure of my destination
    I fell down ten stories
    And I haven't landed yet.

    Mother, I said,
    this bullet from nowhere hurts.
    This bullet came because
    I've let her down,
    I let her let me go.

    This earth I've raised
    had never impressed her
    These oils on my hand
    did not produce enough money for her.
    This place I ran to
    was not where she'd call home.
    This fall I took
    did not make her care.

    Mother, I said,
    This bullet hurts.
    And I'll dedicate it to the memory
    of the one I love.
    12-20-2001

  2. #2
    HB Forum Owner Branflakes's Avatar
    Join Date
    December 3rd, 1999
    Posts
    2,290
    Follows
    0
    Following
    0
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    0 Post(s)

    I like this. Nice pace. I feel what he/she is going through.

    ------------------
    The ninja lesbian milk getter. aka dorkflakes.
    Take the time to feel the wind.
    I'm tired of the silent majority. Silence equals death.
    Help Hostboard by using that search engine.
    ChatterBox
    Bran's Place

  3. #3
    Inactive Member Generalkaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    July 20th, 2001
    Posts
    67
    Follows
    0
    Following
    0
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    0 Post(s)

    Post

    I like the oil on the hands image. I think you should run with that. There aren't really any other images for me to grab, so the piece comes off a little static. I think that and the "earth I've raised" thing could be strengthened quite a lot for power.

    ------------------
    Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.

  4. #4
    Inactive Member Ski's Avatar
    Join Date
    November 22nd, 1999
    Posts
    2,378
    Follows
    0
    Following
    0
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quoted
    0 Post(s)

    It does have feeling, and the images were great.
    I enjoyed it.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •