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December 27th, 2001, 07:25 PM
#1
Inactive Member
Bullet
Now, I must make this good
Because it's for the one I love
the one I adore
And she waits patiently for me
Like I search vigilantly for her...
I raised this earth with borrowed equipment
hoping like hell it would work
I came with my hands covered in oil
knowing that I'll never be satisfied
I ran far away from here
never sure of my destination
I fell down ten stories
And I haven't landed yet.
Mother, I said,
this bullet from nowhere hurts.
This bullet came because
I've let her down,
I let her let me go.
This earth I've raised
had never impressed her
These oils on my hand
did not produce enough money for her.
This place I ran to
was not where she'd call home.
This fall I took
did not make her care.
Mother, I said,
This bullet hurts.
And I'll dedicate it to the memory
of the one I love.
12-20-2001
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January 5th, 2002, 04:09 AM
#2
HB Forum Owner
I like this. Nice pace. I feel what he/she is going through.
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The ninja lesbian milk getter. aka dorkflakes.
Take the time to feel the wind.
I'm tired of the silent majority. Silence equals death.
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ChatterBox
Bran's Place
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January 5th, 2002, 04:17 PM
#3
Inactive Member
I like the oil on the hands image. I think you should run with that. There aren't really any other images for me to grab, so the piece comes off a little static. I think that and the "earth I've raised" thing could be strengthened quite a lot for power.
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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.
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July 27th, 2002, 01:41 AM
#4
Inactive Member
It does have feeling, and the images were great.
I enjoyed it.
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