you don't necessarily need to be alone in order to be lonely. there are people out there who, surrounded by people, even surrounded by people who love them dearly, feel a depth of solitude that can feel like a punishment from god himself. and welcome to that supreme paradox, having an insatiable need for human contact and an equally powerful aversion to those around you.

as he sat there watching footage of the latest space shuttle launch delay, he found himself questioning it all again. in his less melodramatic moments, he abandoned that particular persecution fantasy. it was hard for him to imagine anyone, much less the alpha/omega of it all, caring enough to go out of their way to harass him.

and then there was last night. not two minutes into a quiet dinner by himself at his favorite restaurant, across the room a couple was celebrating their anniversary. it looked like one of the late-year ones, at least 25 years or so, judging by all the grandkids running around.

he smiled over at them as they raised a toast, and he turned back to his steak. inert, dead flesh, something that had once been part of a vital living thing, and he couldn't let go of that. what right did he have to order the death, butchery and consumption of another life? he was no better than that cow, he didn't have any answers. fat chance of that.

(he had long ago given up on bemoaning his loneliness. over time it had proven to be too repetitive for him to maintain any real interest in. what had once been a sniper's bullet from his mind to his heart had evolved into a buckshot blast from 50 yards away. he had discovered enough inadequacies with his world to spread it around.)

the space shuttle pulled him back to himself, as they said something about 'x' number of million miles. a million miles... that appealed to him. open space, nothing around you that could affect you at all. no well-intentioned friends or family or co-workers trying to "cheer you up" when all you wanted was to be left alone.

drifting... a million miles from nowhere... and best of all, no more of that inarticulate but still understandable 'voice' you hear below your heart... "you're not good enough... you're not good enough... you're not good enough..."

he had abandoned the steak and gone home for another long night in front of his tv, the only item in his apartment that he had paid any real money for or any real attention to. by the time the space shuttle footage flashed on the screen at 5am, the 'voice' was a dull thud. still there, but only noticeable when the turned his attention to it.