populous limbs

[machinery]

this plant, once fresh and brimming,
its limbs of leaves exciting shades
of green, is now nothing more
than filler in this unfurnished
room.

its almost as if they use to flex,
but now they dangle, these limp
limbs. though this plant sits
by a window facing east, death
ensues.

only the high limbs exist, a living
thing terribly top-heavy. weak
in the knees, it will give. green
turns to waning yellow, wilting
looms.

owner of once populous limbs,
I?ve watched my shortcomings
rise in this plants? lingering end.
only five leaves left until we
lose.

[Kalyope]

First off, your imagery is very strong here...and your sound is great. You have some strong, but not overpowering alliteration which just makes the poem sound fantastic. I wanted to say that I think it's interesting you rhymed the final words of the stanzas. It's a subtle way to tie the piece together.

[machinery]

Well thank you....and I also wanted to send a congrats your way for becoming a mod. You now have the conch!

Yeah, I really don't know why I decided to rhyme at the end. I'm not much for rhyming, but every now and then (as you will see in the other poem I recently posted as well).

I know this poem isn't much, but is there anything that comes off poorly. Anything I should fix up?

[Kalyope]

The only suggestion that I have is that you use the word 'limbs' a lot. While they are the focus of the poem, the reader knows they are the focus of the poem. Maybe use another word like fronds or twigs or sticks or appendages or something more metaphoric and pretty than what I have provided [img]smile.gif[/img]

[machinery]

you're right...they are in every stanza. ouch. i'll see what i can conjure up. thanks again.

[Hannibal]

I love the last stanza in this peice. Really nice, I like how at the end it's "we", you really pull a comparison to the two.

Through the poem however you speak only of the plant describing it, then at the end you make the comparison of both.

Should there be some detail above that, a little about you in the stanza's as well? Maybe just a snippit here or there? If you did that it might take away from the 'pop' of the last stanza, but on the other hand, it might stitch it together a little too (although I think this is really good)
I don't know if that helps at all.. but it's what I thought [img]smile.gif[/img]