oh how we cried;
don't fall.
then, a perfect leaving
so absolute, the swaying
descend threatening to,
then pirouetting like a
ballerina, so tiny & precise.
crayola colors cascading,
one last pendular motion:
a trend.
oh how we lied!
the colors will maintain,
but natural beauty became
a massive litter of muck,
so ugly & endless.
oh how we spied...
the downfall of it all.
no deep green breath,
just a collaboration
of crinkles & crackles
performing flips across
lips of curbs
& cramping cars' tires.
ruthless.
oh how we tried
to love nature's undressing,
but naked trees
bring shivering tendencies,
& with the leaves' crash
comes winter's mess.
<font color="#00FF00" size="1">[ December 14, 2005 07:45 PM: Message edited by: machinery ]</font>
Ya know - I didn't like this poem when I started reading it...
and I was like "what IS all this - it sucks!"
But once I got to the end, it all 'settled in' and made sense. And I liked it much more when I had read the end.
I liked it a lot actually.. very cool.
it was like - a shocking ending, that wasn't shocking, but just 'made sense'.. and brought everything together.
Great work here... I like it on so many levels.
why did the beginning suck?
was this poem just blah blah?
this poem is representation of movement, from one season to the next.
that's it really.
so...well yeah...*drinks beer*
yet another revision. I actually combined a couple poems and made it into one. The only thing is that you can't see what I did to some of the text. if you want, let me know and i'll send ya a word file. There is changes in size and italics, but i'm just too lazy to actually do it on here.
Tell me what you think.
***
I.
O, how we cried; don't fall.
then, a perfect leaving
so absolute, swaying
descent, threatening
to, then pirouetting
like a ballerina,
so tiny and precise.
crayola colors cascading,
one last crisscrossing
motion.
rest.
O, how we lied! the colors
will maintain, but natural
beauty became
a substantial
litter of muck, dead
so ugly.
endless.
O, how we spied the down
fall of it all. a collaboration
of crinkles and crackles
performing flips across
lips of curbs, cramping
cars' tires.
ruthless.
O, how we tried to love
nature's undressing,
but naked trees bring
shivering tendencies
and as leaves collapse
so comes winter's
mess.
II.
sun shoos sad gray
remains off slanted roofs,
gushing down gutters.
sodden sections of soil make
soles slide. shoes
pushing wet collapse
fhhhhh!
releasing with removal.
hfffff!
as ice thaws, branches
no longer snap in the wind.
O, winter is dying!
III.
radiance will dismiss
the mess from ditches?
undulations and backyards
hid under the cold city?s
silhouette. soon, the greenery
will reconvene and trees
will costume in buds.
no more sad songs
will slip from the sky,
just cheery twitters
from the critters,
rising, then diving
to snag crick ETS
and grass hop pers
as bulbs begin
sprouting.
Again the revision is so much better. You have a knack for great sound. You pick words that just belong together. I like the inclusion of more seasons in the revision. The first draft seemed to lack the natural tie, and read more like the end of a relationship than a season. I think you definitely fixed that the second time around.
thanks again. i think i can pretty much set this one aside. I just wanted to throw it on here to see what a little revision can do for ya (huh chris?).
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">ha!Originally posted by machinery:
thanks again. i think i can pretty much set this one aside. I just wanted to throw it on here to see what a little revision can do for ya (huh chris?).
I agree, the revision is really good. Kudos!
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