Inept Ropes

[Kalyope]

Confined in a tower prison, she waited
and aged, and grew.
Her hope for escape soon abated,
and despair ensued.
She envied the birds for their freedom,
their wings, their song.
To sate her avian hate she'd hum,
first soft, then strong.

She spotted hope from her perch in the tower
high and hidden,
and knew victory was now hers,
swift and sudden.
She called to her hapless savior,
so naive and sweet,
"Kind sir, please do wander nearer"
she did entreat.

Entranced by the damsel's beauty
he sealed his fate,
and bound by chivalrous duty,
he took her bait.
She lowered her braids from the window
for him to climb,
ashamed she had thought him a hero
she'd never find.

He began his ascent of her locks,
woven with care,
numbed by an unexpected shock:
there were no stairs.
Reluctantly, he climbed higher,
hand over hand,
the maiden's rekindled desire
more than she could stand.

Then halfway up, it happened...
sudden, tragic.
The golden braids suddenly slackened,
lost their magic.
The unlucky suitor fell quickly.
The ground caught him,
as he hit earth, his bones cracked sickly.
Damsel's hope dimmed.

She hesitantly reached to her head,
tender and sore,
and discovered her scalp now bled
where hair was before.
The braids lay crumpled on his chest
many feet below,
lay with him, just as lifeless...
inept ropes.

Just a little something for fun [img]smile.gif[/img] Was asked to write a twisted fairy tale, so I revamped Rapunzel a bit.

[machinery]

i'm not much for rhyming, though i've been doing it lately (i know i know), but this was nice.

the first line: "tower prison"

it's not that it seems redundant, but it seems like its too much.

another thing: there are a lot of &'s in this piece, mostly in the beginning (nine total, seven in the beginning AND two in the last stanza).

i find myself sometimes adding words to for structural purposes...so think about it.
it might be more for the rhyming, which i do as well (again, i know i know).

on a positive, i really like some of your word choices in this. it breaks the simplicity of the rhyme, though you do use off and slant rhymes in this piece.

the rhyming is a piece of candy and the WC is a nice piece of garlic bread fresh from the oven.
and this might not work for you, but i'm not a big candy guy, but i love salt and garlic.

one more thing: the title. it gives the "twist" away. but like you said you were having fun with this, and i'm sorry if i'm being too critical with something that was fun, but that's what i'm here for.

I really like this piece, but i think a few minor adjustments would really bring it together.

[Kalyope]

Wow. Didn't realize I had used and so much. I'm definitely going to weed some of them out. The rhyme will probably stay because I just wrote this for fun, so I don't see me devoting serious edits to it. However, here is an updated version without so many filler words.

Confined in a tower prison, she waited,
aged, and grew.
Her hope for escape soon abated,
despair ensued.
She envied the birds for their freedom,
their wings, their song.
To sate her avian hate she'd hum,
first soft, then strong.

She spotted hope from her perch in the tower
high and hidden,
knew victory was now hers,
swift and sudden.
She called to her hapless savior,
so naive and sweet,
"Kind sir, please do wander nearer"
she did entreat.

Entranced by the damsel's beauty
he sealed his fate,
bound by chivalrous duty,
he took her bait.
She lowered her braids from the window
for him to climb,
ashamed she had thought him a hero
she'd never find.

He began his ascent of her locks,
woven with care,
numbed by an unexpected shock:
there were no stairs.
Reluctantly, he climbed higher,
hand over hand,
the maiden's rekindled desire
more than she could stand.

Then halfway up, it happened...
sudden, tragic.
The golden braids suddenly slackened,
lost their magic.
The unlucky suitor fell quickly.
The ground caught him,
as he hit earth, his bones cracked sickly.
Damsel's hope dimmed.

She hesitantly reached to her head,
tender and sore,
discovered her scalp now bled
where hair was before.
The braids lay crumpled on his chest
many feet below,
lay with him, just as lifeless...
inept ropes.