The Way You

[Hannibal]

I always hated the way you,
Or maybe I just loved the way that I saw you,
Doing all those things I hate.

I couldn't be alone with my conscience,
Because your mouth words were always stinging my eartips with their truth.
Your truth.

Sometimes I would want to be alone,
And you were gone.
But the distance was not enough to keep your words,
From me.

Only when I was graced with the blessings of others,
Was I able to sufficiently seperate myself,
From your truth,
And think about everything.

I would enjoy the presence of others,
Just so I could pay no attention to what they said,
and enjoy the fact that I didn't have to hear you.

I never learned to make friends,
because I was always too busy dreaming of days,
While they rambled on about their life,
And I imagined mine without you.

When they would stop,
I would long for them to continue,
Because I knew what was coming,
And your words would assault me from all angles.

I saw you and your words in a dream once,
My slumber even left me seeing your face,
listening to your praises, slander, and 'truth'.

I always hated the way you,
Or maybe I just loved the way that I saw you,
Doing all those things I hate.

[Kalyope]

Okay, I'm gonna work with your lines a bit. Enjambment 101 if you will [img]wink.gif[/img] I like the message, but want to help you with the flow.


I always hated the way you,
Or maybe I just loved the way
I saw you, doing all those things I hate.

I couldn't be alone with my conscience,
Because your mouth words were always stinging
my eartips with their truth. Your truth.

Sometimes I would want to be alone,
And you were gone.
But the distance was not enough
to keep your words from me.

Only when I was graced
with the blessings of others,
Was I able to sufficiently separate myself,
From your truth,and think
about everything.

I would enjoy the presence of others,
Just so I could pay no attention
to what they said,and enjoy the fact
that I didn't have to hear you.

I never learned to make friends,
because I was always too busy dreaming
of days,While they rambled on
about their life,and I imagined mine
without you.

When they would stop,
I would long for them to continue,
Because I knew what was coming,and your words
would assault me from all angles.

I saw you and your words in a dream once,
My slumber even left me seeing your face,
listening to your praises, slander, and 'truth'.

I always hated the way you,
Or maybe I just loved the way
I saw you, doing all those things I hate.

Okay. So I like the repetition of the first stanza at the end. It reminds us of how it all began. I think you can leave the sufficiently out of "sufficiently separate". The line is just as powerful without it. My only thematic suggestion would be to maybe add some love or fondness. You begin by saying "maybe I just loved the way", so show us that it wasn't all bad, you know?

<font color="#00FF00" size="1">[ October 04, 2006 08:29 PM: Message edited by: Kalyope ]</font>