listen, and not be heard

[parch]

giving up what I give, azungu, I am still white man,
big perch, big nefarious absent minded beard, giving up what I never wanted
I am still white man,
unaware of the ways we have spoken
giving up what I give I am still
unknowingly committing, small inconsistencies, callous hands clasping at sores,
giving up what I give, I am still white man,
thinking the comfort is mine deserved,

giving up white man
people begin to scrutinize, second guess my easy smile, my day,
the time I showed up late, my motivations,
even my speak up, even my own little throat pushing,
giving up white man
I could listen, and not be heard
giving up white man
I can fall, and not be lifted, not be seen, not be noticed

[thenewrant]

Definition of azungu: white person.

Love this. Should be used more. Azungu! I say this because it seems that the voice in the poem is tearing itself down. Azungu! Though, I also like the repetitious variation of "white man" as well.
However, I do not like the word “big” being repeated in the second line.

In line four, who is the “we”? Is it white people in general? Is it the people of Malawi? I’m guessing it’s the Azungu(s), though I’m not sure. Also, that is the only mention of “we” in the piece. The rest of the piece has the voice in singular/1st person. It is only hinted, but I believe “we” to be a big part of this poem, but the voice of the poem is taking all the blame.

In the second stanza, these lines read a bit awk. to me: “the time I showed up late, my motivations,
/even my speak up, even my own little throat pushing,”

In a stanza that the speaker changes from “I am still white man” to “giving up white man,” I would think the voice would be a bit clearer in thought, descending from the “perch” in the first stanza. But, it also appears there is a quiet realization that giving up the white man, and merely being a man gives the speaker a feeling of being humble. And the second stanza should reek of humility. Am I wrong? Have I read this totally wrong?

Overall, I really like this piece, but I think you could make this either tighter or much longer with repetitions and such. Would love to see your response to my feedback and a revision as well.

[parch]

listen, and not be heard (rewrite)

giving up what I give,
azungu!
I am still white man,
on perch,
this nefarious, absent-minded beard.

giving up what I never wanted,
I am still white man,
unaware of the ways I have spoken.

giving up what I give,
I am still
unknowingly committing, small inconsistencies, callous hands clasping at sores.

giving up what I give,
I am still white man,
thinking the comfort is mine deserved.

and giving up white man,
people scrutinize,
second guess my easy smile,
my day,
my tardiness, my aspirations,
even my speak up,
even my own little throat pushing.

giving up white man,
I could listen, and not be heard.
giving up white man
I can fall,
and not be lifted,
not be seen, not be noticed.

giving up white man
I can eat,
and not be rich.
I can eat,
and not be guilty.
I can eat,
and not be taking,
not be oh the serpent breaking,
not be wide belly aching and laughing,
not be suddenly summer Sunday stroll and criticizing,
no be ready to pounce for the taking.

“azungu! azungu!
give me my money!”

give me whatever I was making
give me the water I am drawing
the school I am building
give me cloth I am sewing
give me the maize I am growing.

azungu! azungu!

give me whatever you don’t mind
just a little
just something small
just today
to eat
to rest
to cover me when rain falls.

- - - Updated - - -

yeah, I don't know.
I just tried to expand it some.
and now I think I need to cut it some.
and then see whatever is left.
and work from there.

I decided I'm trying to work from two voices now, the white man (me) and the other, the one calling me "azungu."

any advice is appreciated.
and any cutting - just trash, cut, whatever, would probably help.

thanks.