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September 30th, 2013, 11:59 PM
#1
Junior Hostboard Member
my father.
my father,
I do not want to see you perish.
I yearn you to pee on property
and field-dress cigarettes.
I allow you to shake
when the rhythm is not
yours.
I want to bleed with you,
want a back-deck brawl
that we both imagined.
my father,
I want to see human
streams sprawl
upon your farmer
face.
for so long we knocked engines
of a different rumble.
but now I know your cadence
and I want to rejoice
with you.
one engine,
with sidecar.
Last edited by thenewrant; October 1st, 2013 at 01:06 AM.
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October 11th, 2013, 11:22 AM
#2
HB Forum Owner
Re: my father.
"I yearn" couplet awkward.
I think the intention of the poem is clear and the wording is careful, of course. And the last three bits, "for so long we knocked" works.
The back-deck brawl and human streams sprawl seems forced.
but this is workable.
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June 1st, 2014, 07:32 PM
#3
HB Forum Owner
Re: my father.
this is a really interesting poem.
have you done anything with it?
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