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Thread: I'm in the mood to just post whatever I wrote... and thus

  1. #1
    HB Forum Owner parch's Avatar
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    I'm in the mood to just post whatever I wrote... and thus

    the last ride I took a new path, no azungu ameneyo, no children screaming, no little you and little me and all we wanted to really be, no youth and no classmates, the last ride I took an old path, a ride defined drive down things I couldn?t understand and didn?t want to, the last ride I saw the village the way it intended to be seen, not at all, or all covered up in green,
    the last ride I tried to give my respects to that which had been so much dust and dirt and travel, places I had found pork and grinned fat belly pride, places where I had somehow tricked banana peckers for free, somehow strolled past naked children laughing and swimming in mud water rivers and then all the fires of the corn went blazing, somehow the last ride was immeasurable, unable to take pictures, unable to really grasp what I could see,
    I couldn?t take it with me, I couldn?t take it with me, I couldn?t take it with me, I couldn?t take you with me, my friends, mnzanga why won?t you just come with me?
    the last ride I couldn?t touch what I couldn?t see and nobody found me
    sitting there shivering
    atop the three hills, spread out my legs and cried
    the last ride I saw the ants walking faster than usual, I saw less chickens, but more birds, I heard less screaming children, fewer balls trolled the road, and everything was a good price for me

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    Junior Hostboard Member thenewrant's Avatar
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    Re: I'm in the mood to just post whatever I wrote... and thu

    As you were in the mood to "just post whatever," the prose formation works for the speed in which the piece needed to be read, but as I read it, there were places I wanted to slow down. Again, your language in this is great and it provides great imagery. The imagery is what carries this piece. It bodes well for this voice within the piece.

    Now, is it about the "you and me," or is more about the "me?" This is where the piece could use some revision, and with that, structure can be developed and the imagery/words already provided will help frame a much stronger piece.

    As it is, it has great bones. Now give it a body.

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    HB Forum Owner parch's Avatar
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    Re: I'm in the mood to just post whatever I wrote... and thu

    the last ride I took a new path,
    no "azungu ameneyo!" -no children screaming,
    no fumbling dreams of what we thought we wanted to be,
    no youth, no classmates, no you, no me.

    the last ride I took an old path,
    a ride defined on things I couldn’t see.

    the last ride I saw the village
    the way it had intended to be seen,
    not seen at all,
    but covered in green.

    the last ride I tried to give respects
    to dust and travel,
    places I found pork,
    and belly pride,
    places I had tricked banana peckers
    for free!
    strolled past naked children laughing and swimming in mud rivers,
    and fires of maize blazing,
    the last ride immeasurable,
    unable to take pictures, unable to really grasp what I could see.

    I couldn’t take you with me, my friends,
    anzanga why won’t you come with me?

    the last ride I couldn’t touch
    what I couldn’t see,
    and nobody found me
    sitting there shivering
    atop the three hills,
    spread out my legs and cried.

    the last ride I saw the ants walking faster than usual,
    less chickens, but more birds,
    less screaming children,
    fewer balls trolled the road,
    and everything was a good price for me.

    - - - Updated - - -

    blah blah blah blah

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