Take me somewhere nice
Take me home where
fires burn quietly inside
closed frosty doors
windows heavily decorated
The money set aside
so loved ones may
comfortably discuss
your passing over dinner
Take me somewhere nice
Take me home where
I can almost see you
sitting fireside
your elderly frame welcoming
all family visitors
Damp day funeral
raindrops unsettled emotions
from those who came before
join their ranks
Take me somewhere nice
Take me home where
We're walking with happiness
Madness becomes you, when you are sick.
Upon first read, not sure I like the first two stanzas. They really don't add to the piece much, and it's possibly due to the repetition the author asking to be taken "somewhere", yet right after that the author states to "take me home." These are two totally different places. Also, do fires really burn quietly? The word "frosty" throws me off, and what are the windows heavily decorated with?
"The money set aside
so loved ones may
comfortably discuss
your passing over dinner"
"Money set aside" speaks of something no one likes dealing with with a family death, yet everyone thinks about it. I feel this is merely mentioned.
Why couldn't the family be discussing this, and that is why the author wants to be taken somewhere? The word "comfortably" comes off as awkward. The author obviously isn't comfortable. I see this dinner mainly consisting of forks and knives chiming off dishes, and not much else for sound.
When the author mentions seeing the deceased by the fire, the descriptors don't provide much. "Elderly frame" is a given as the person is deceased. And how would this person welcome people. Give us more.
The end is much the same. With something as powerful as death, I as a reader, really didn't get much from this piece. However, it does make me want to feel, but the emotion isn't charged with your word choices. This lacks description. And with death, memories run vivid. Provide the reader that, and maybe, the reader can feel what the author "feels."
Hope this helps. Give it another go and show us a revision.
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