the house that was supposed to save everything (very raw)

[thenewrant]

You never say “I miss you” or “I love you” first.


This was supposed to be the house that saved everything.
A big one, we were planning ahead.
Rough sketches of removed walls and converted rooms.

We had porches to ponder how the yard would look with grown grass, dog, and children.

“I wanted one with you.”
A question of tense.
“I want a family with you.”

We had big windows and numerous rooms to display California conifers in the winter.

Within six months, you changed your office relentlessly, like you never found your niche.
We bought a loveseat at a community trailer park yard sale so that you could read comfortably in your office.
It is now the property of our neighbor; your new apartment too small.
Love sits elsewhere.

“You’re too good to me.”
But now I am in the rolling plains and you remain
in the west.
The grass is still green here, and the foliage along country roads reach out to me.
What is dead scuttles across the prairie, and I’m reminded of the endless death in the desert.

“Figure ourselves out and stay a part of each other’s lives.”

We were not happy there. I am now miles away, relying on technology to hear and see, but I am no longer able to bring you in and smell my lover.

“We just both need to change and grow.”

Seems everything is dead here, there. My heart remains waiting for your jolt.
But, the things you said are starting to add up and I’m uncertain of our equation.
Still searching for a home with you in mind, with us in mind. I need a porch. To sit and ponder, to await your prints in the strong grass, little ones chasing yours. I smile at this, then cry. The Midwest is soggy for your return.


That was the house that was supposed to save everything, but we left tomatoes on the vine, and I walked you out, after our last view, you tucked in my arms, as if we were starting a new life, only to put you down and let you walk on your own.

It has not been sunny since my departure of the west. Misting in Nevada, rain in Utah, whiteouts in Wyoming. The only sun I’ve witnessed came the day after our voices coalesced in Nebraska. Me tired, you drunk. We cried. In the morning, the sun shone and made a vampire, void of happiness.

All of this is a culmination of my mind and your behavior. I race while you erase away.

Just one time I’d like an “I love you” to spew from your ellipsis, from your digital mouth. I cannot maintain our composure of separation without a little help. You remain forever in limbo. Changeless. Wild Abandonment. I hear from you when convenient.


I just want to be out of this basement and be out of this funk, though this basement is 1776 miles from your body, so many miles from your veins. And I don’t know what you do. And you don’t care what I do. Your digital words mean next to nothing, and emit no kind of love.

“Hope you’re okay.”

My mother just came down and stated she made my favorite dish, but I am not hungry. I claimed I’d have leftovers, but we’ll see. This is a liquid night.

***


Just some ramblings. Need some ideas/comments about where to go and how to do it. Like I said, this is very raw.

Let me know what you think.

[parch]

well, the first line is good. I like.

all good until a question of tense. let the reader realize the tense. don't tell me it's past. I can see that.... well, if you want to clue the reader somehow, okay, but using the word tense didn't work for me.

obviously the topic is strong and you have some good ideas,
best parts: "This was supposed to be the house," stanza. and, "That was supposed to be the house," stanza.
I think you could take a number of these stanzas and just chop, for instance:

"Seems everything is dead here, (there. My heart remains waiting for your jolt.)
But(, the) things you said are starting to add up (and I?m uncertain of our equation.)
(Still searching for a home with you in mind, with us in mind. )I need a porch. To sit and ponder(, to await your prints in the strong grass, little ones chasing yours. I smile at this, then cry. The Midwest is soggy for your return.)"

If you cut, you could have:
Seems everything is dead here,
But things you said are starting to add up
I need a porch. To sit and ponder

....and you could keep going...

That was the house that was supposed to save everything
....??? and yet tomatoes rot the vine....

actually, I don't know.

basically there's a lot of good emotion in here that you could work out.
and some good lines.
so good raw draft.

I would think you might want to highlight a recurring theme, and rework it centered on that.
I know it has a theme already, but I mean a technical theme, or linguistic/language theme. that would really pull it together.

the house, the porch, the grass, the tomatoes, the neighbor, the loveseat, the office - these are the meat.
I think working around those with only a few quotes, very carefully placed, would really work well.

the midwest, plains, etc, don't do it for me. - not specific enough.
get into the little details, which is usually where you thrive.

I want to see this again.