Dance

[Hannibal]

I don't know why i find it so hard to write the verses that hurt.
I can't seem to say the words,
Or even think the thoughts,
That I should.

When I think about you.


Sometimes I cut myself to see you a little clearer,
To feel you flowing slowly from me..
Father.

I can't see past any of you,
In the time that I can think,
I see it all wrapped in a small tank,
Amidst a world of trees.

Tall, dark, and handsome.


Provide, provide.
Provide me with the insight to see,
provide me with my life.
Provide.

I've stopped providing,
not that I ever have, or should have.

Provide,
Believe.

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy

[Generalkaos]

Well, you know, I was just fooling around here, and I noticed this piece. It's pretty good, but tapers off at the end. Some little things I noticed: You can cut the length of the first line and make it whip faster if you just ask the question rather than say you don't know the answer: if you ask the question outright, that implies you don't know the answer. I feel the strongest part
"Sometimes I cut myself to see you a little clearer/to feel you flowing slowly from me" is blunted by the next line, "Father." I think it works better if you leave that for the end. Also, the next stanza is good, but it veers away from the rest of the poem and loses focus, and I can't relate it to the rest. The line after that is the perfect use of cliche. Taken in context, it gives the cliche new meaning and actual power, but then the poem loses me. I want another image here, at least something to sink my teeth into, but all I get is "provide" over and over again, and it drowns out anything else you're saying. I really like this piece, though, and I think it could be one of your best with some work. Have you done anything to it since you posted it? Because I'm curious to know what you've done in subsequent revisions if there are any.

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.

[This message has been edited by Generalkaos (edited March 15, 2002).]

[Hannibal]

I never did make any revisions... however I can kinda follow what your saying...
originally it was completely different from what it is here.

I had an idea that worked... but i was on my way to school, by the time i got home, all i had was the first line repeating through my head. *shrugs*

Perhaps some revision would be good
or just a new poem, same idea

------------------
As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy