mother marcia jean (revision)

[machinery]

mother marica jean
she rode with me on a Sunday
after early morning get up
for fables in the wooden pews
of the fictious church boundary walls
her head was high, eyes stern (up to Jesus - the portrayal of - against the fake silliness of the blue paint background)
she listened for fact and her lip quivered to the surround monotone

I on the other -- was lost in the palms of my hands (sweat existed in the roads of wrinkles making my brows dirty)
angrily yawning and fighting my weekend action
...my eyes were wanting to fall...

mother marcia jean, with those promising black circles
you look with a frown, lopsided and heavy on those bones (of 50 years plus of intent look & stare)
down at me you did

I'm sorry I didn't come home
rather than sleep - I drank - I drank silly
and smoked cigarettes - four short of a pack
I rose dizzy in the night, walked the streets of the small town,
late - I was out - the nicotine to my lips and my head to the stars -- I was looking ("you don't see this in the city.")
and I saw you, you mother marcia jean
It was you - my mother - that hung in the stars
as if to say you knew

- took a step back and one last drag
then flicked the stick in a nearby bush

and in that new factory aluminum, on Sunday - moving east (still fighting last night, and your eyes from the opposite seat)
I realize I'm a mystery to you - you know only excerpts (little ideas in your...)

[This message has been edited by machinery (edited April 13, 2001).]

[ranter]

like it man like it man....um...yeah...god revision, i like where you went addin' those internal thoughtsssss in there (kept my attention, kept me thinkin') like how it just cuts off in the end, (grins knowingly) its only an excerpt of your life

[ranter]

i know exactly what you are talking about with the doubles...i didn't like them either...i will fix em! thanks parch...

[machinery]

hey, I don't how that happened, but I think Thom used my comp beforehand..it will be me that fixes the doubles..hahah..

sorry bout that.

RP

[parch]

ok
all the double parenthesis (()) - i don't like.
they don't cut it.
they don't add for me.
i get it better without them and i don't want to read them.

the single parenthesis () - good! i like.
they work well.
the first one...was different than this..
altogether i like this better, but i don't like the double parenthesis(ed) stuff.

the ending here is much better, --leaves a clear trail to follow, but the old one --it was like...a poem..and then out of no where here's this voice (your voice) saying the last 2 lines or so....

so this ending works great actually, and the double parenthesis work equally opposite the ending in the 'not so great' category.

___---parch

OK - I know i'm not the be all and end all to poetry but at least i'm honest and I'm pretty sure you can take it - can't you machinery? ... anyway... meow meow.