Various

[Hannibal]

Last wednesday in a dream,
A woman who I loved deeply for so long was there,
I shot her in the face with a handgun,
The first shot didn't kill her,
So I shot her in the head again.
I held her body and felt no remorse.

Last Sunday I had a dream,
And there was a dog that was dead,
or dying,
Standing in front of the steps to the house I came to see.
It was an old house.
The dog had a bone in it's mouth from somewhere,
It growled, bared it's teeth,
And it wouldn't let me pass until,
I finally shooed it away.
The house was in a field that extended past the horizon,
In the middle of nowhere,
Without a tree in sight.
The dog disappeared about 5 steps away.
The living room inside was filled with boxes,
All neatly packed and sealed up.
Small ghostly images of devils danced at my feet as I walked,
They were whispering to me,
I don't remember what they said.
And I began climing the boxes before I woke.

I wake up sometimes,
And I don't know who I am.
I can't understand the difference between what is real,
And what was a dream.
I'm scared to shut off my alarm clock,
Because something bad might happen.
I'm scared to shut my eyes,
Because I might fall into dream (or wake up).
I can't remember what time is,
Or where I'm supposed to be.

[Kalyope]

That can be a super scary feeling. Dreams are weird creatures that can't be tamed, no matter how much we want to claim that we can analyze them. I think this poem shows just how powerful and erratic they can be. I feel like it kinda tapers off at the end there though. Try to strengthen those last lines a bit. The rest of the poem is filled with strong images. Don't lose the hold you have on the reader.

[Hannibal]

Althought I broke it up like a poem, this was more of just a blurt for me. I just wanted to document my dreams so someday I could look back and go, woa!

[machinery]

dreams are often hard to remember and record. dreams are blurbs, correct? do your dreams come at you in sentences, filled with punctuation and what not? it's a stream of unconsciousness. let it be that. I really think you can let this one go, not be so poetic about it.

and i agree with kaly that it tapers off at the end.
if anything, it should pop at the end, like your head when you wake up suddenly from a dream. pow!

<font color="#00FF00" size="1">[ March 06, 2007 06:26 PM: Message edited by: machinery ]</font>