Exploder

[Hannibal]

I can?t leave.

I miss you.

I?m stuck in your daydream eyes, and alcohol breath.

Tired sparks of dynamite light in your eyes,

Causing my brain to explode.

You're volitile,

You hate me and I feel it in my bones.

[Kalyope]

Wow. This is very short but filled with emotion. It packs a powerful punch even in its brevity. Sometimes you can get the job done with a limited amount of words, and I think you have expertly done that here. I really think this was great.

[Hannibal]

Thanks for the kind words.

Machinery would be proud of me on this one... he knows a lot of time it takes some real coaxing to get me to revise works I make. A lot of times I post up what it is, and then it just remains and becomes 'what it was'.

I had originally jotted this down at work, and e-mailed it to myself... but when I got home and read it - there were some parts that just had me going "wtf... how crap is that?" so I actually revised BEFORE I posted it up... apparently the revisions were good. Thanks for the kind words [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Kalyope]

Revision is definitely your friend [img]smile.gif[/img] I have problems getting myself to actually follow through on it though. I usually need coaxing from an outside source, or changes will never get made. I think the changes you made must have been good because the poem is super duper.

[machinery]

ah, Chris, you revised? I'm crying over here! You're the man broham! Yes, short and concise. It's solid. Is there any particular reason you spaced the lines? And just for you, though I did it before reading you revised, I put revisions up of some of my older poetry.

I would have like to gander at your first shot at this poem, just to see what you hacked out.

[Hannibal]

Originally posted by machinery:
ah, Chris, you revised? I'm crying over here! You're the man broham! Yes, short and concise. It's solid. Is there any particular reason you spaced the lines? And just for you, though I did it before reading you revised, I put revisions up of some of my older poetry.

I would have like to gander at your first shot at this poem, just to see what you hacked out.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">OK, ok, so it wasn't a TON of revision... but I think the few changes were for the better... here's the original (and the spacing is just because that's how it came in the e-mail I sent to myself from work)

I can?t leave.



I miss you.



I?m stuck in your daydream eyes, and alcohol breath.



Tired sparks of dynamite light your eyes briefly,



Leading my mind to scream, and my brain to explode.



You hate me and I feel it in my bones.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">