I'll never express what I really thought
About that day with you when
We met quietly
Amidst those autumn leaves that were falling
Or how I could see just enough of you to keep me interested
But never enough to get any real idea
of how fucked you really were.
You knew what you were doing
You've done it before
With great success.
I'm not a success story
I've been the utter failure you try and avoid.
I don't need or want
I take.
It is mine because I was here long before you
Your tears have no effect on me
You can't suck my cock and make life seem better
Than the shithole it really is.
Would it make you feel better if I fucked you?
If I whispered into your ear about how important you were?
About how I'd never experianced a woman like I was experiancing you?
You've always enjoyed it when they came inside you before
The way you knew you had them in the palm of your hand
They wanted you
And now you had them.
I won't come inside of you
I won't come anywhere near you
I'll rip you apart
Tear you down
And mold you into a ball of scar tissue
So thick that no man can ever penetrate inside of you again
You won't want to feel
Because you wouldn't be able to
And it would kill you to know that you couldn't.
You're such a fucking roach.
As much as we try to kill your kind
You keep popping out kids
And teaching them how it is to suck dick
How it is to fuck and fornicate
Hitler had the right idea
He just wanted the wrong people.
He should've went after people like you
The roaches that plague our society
The whores and drug addicts who riddle our streets.
If Hitler wanted to run for president
I would vote him into office
As long as he promised to kill you off.
I'd join into the ranks in order to cleanse my life
Of you.
There will be no more quiet meetings
Just the ringing of gunfire
As I teach you how to suck the barrel of a gun
And splatter your brains all over the walls.
Wow wow. Never read anything this hate-filled by you. It's very graphic. I wonder what could have inspired this.....
Anyhoo, I think it's very emotional, but could use some tightening up. Mostly I would just like to see you give it a more uniform line length. You've got some that go on forever and some that are only 2 words. It makes for uneven reading rhythm. The content is good, now you only need to polish the form.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Better? Worse?I'll never express what I really thought
About that day with you when we met quietly
Amidst those autumn leaves that were falling
Or how I could see just enough of you to keep me interested
But never enough to get any real idea of how fucked you really were.
You knew what you were doing
You've done it before
With great success.
I'm not a success story
I've been the utter failure you try and avoid.
I don't need or want, I take.
It is mine because I was here long before you
Your tears have no effect on me
You can't suck my cock and make life seem better
Than the shithole it really is.
Would it make you feel better if I fucked you?
If I whispered into your ear about how important you were?
About how I'd never experianced a woman like I was experiancing you?
You've always enjoyed it when they came inside you before
The way you knew you had them in the palm of your hand
They wanted you, and now you had them.
I won't come inside of you
I won't come anywhere near you
I'll rip you apart, tear you down
And mold you into a ball of scar tissue
So thick that no man can ever penetrate inside of you again
You won't want to feel, because you wouldn't be able to
And it would kill you to know that you couldn't.
You're such a fucking roach.
As much as we try to kill your kind
You keep popping out kids
And teaching them how it is to suck dick
How it is to fuck and fornicate
Hitler had the right idea
He just wanted the wrong people.
He should've went after people like you
The roaches that plague our society
The whores and drug addicts who riddle our streets.
If Hitler wanted to run for president
I would vote him into office
As long as he promised to kill you off.
I'd join into the ranks in order to cleanse my life
Of you.
There will be no more quiet meetings
Just the ringing of gunfire
As I teach you how to suck the barrel of a gun
And splatter your brains all over the walls.
Tried to adjust line length - maybe adjust the 'form' a little bit - but I've always been lacking in that department.
Definitely better I think, though I think this may be a poem that you will edit multiple times upon further readings. I have those. The poems that you tweak because there's alittle something that needs to be added or taken out because your emotions aren't as raw the next time you read them. I think this is a very emotional poem, and I'm interested to know what you will think and feel when you read it, say a year from now?
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