The things that matter

[Fliptastic29]

Falling...Falling..Falling down,
Crash,
boom, bam, splash,
Suddenly surrounded by demons,
Their little nails dig deep
and pierce my eyes,
Blinded and unknowing of my surroundings,
I find a rock,
Leaning, breathing...breathing.... breathing.....
breathing......
My heart races, boomboom boomboom,
then thud...
and it stops...
White lights soon follow with a kind of meloncholy glow. Orange soon moves in
and i feel so very very comfortable.
Bye bye Mother,
Bye Bye Father,
I miss you,
and soon you will find a way to miss me,
For if you cannot see you will soon.
Don't worry i'm still here,
but don't forget,
please don't forget me,
for that is the only way i will remain
immortal,
Please don't make me invisible.
Don't make me invinsible...

[La Luna Unita]

I really like the umm... well, I guess I have to call it "percussive element" or something smart like that, since I don't really have a term. I felt like I was hearing this poem more than reading it. It also all comes in a rush, which I think heightens the impact.

I hate venturing guesses as to what poems are about, since invariably I either read too much into something obvious, or too little into something complex.

Care to share anymore of what it's about?

[sarafina mable]

i agree with la luna on the 'percussive element' (which i wouldn't beable to come up with a better term [img]smile.gif[/img]
i like this most when reading it pretty fast and emphasizing the sound words.
i absolutely love the ending:

"Please don't make me invisible.
Don't make me invinsible..."
--i'm alittle confused at not becoming invisible, b/c it seemed like earlier in the piece you were describing yourself being gone. but i love the idea of asking not to be made invinsible; its just so unique. the words are so visibly interchangeable, but with vastly different meanings.

-these are the only lines that didn't settle well with me. the first kinda tripped me up reading it (although that might just be me) and the second kinda takes me out of the 'zone' the rest of the piece puts me in. it seems just like an unexpected shift in voice. i'm not saying it would be better to omit them, just re-word them somehow.
"For if you cannot see you will soon.
Don't worry i'm still here"

[Fliptastic29]

Your totally right about those two lines they do kind of send u off. I don't really like that stop either. I can't really describe what brought it about nothing in my life at least i guess sometimes i after i sit for a few mins by myself i can pretent to be in different situations and well this one was brought up by my thought of beign young and forgotten by your loved ones so on and so forth. There were many other senarios going on in my head but i wanted to let it up to the reader to decide what they wanted to happen. THnx for the replies