Originally Posted by
JB57
Dear Jack,
This is off to a really good start and you have clearly done some work in fleshing out the characters. Your world-building is great and I look forward to seeing where this is going. The outline of the characters is interesting and some of them are really intriguing. I look forward to meeting them and seeing how their worlds develop in later chapters. Your interest in D and D and the whole fantasy, medieval setting is evident.
Some constructive criticism: As Paloma wrote, you need to do some proof-reading. "Moriah" is, at different times, "Diana" and "Lorelei." Also, there is a point where the women are on a rug - I don't know how that happened, since they began fighting in a forest. In terms of description, you generally do a good job, but there are several parts in the sexfight where I cannot visualize what is happening because the positions of the women, what they are doing, and how they got there is unclear. In terms of writing, there are many places where I recognize my own phrasing and style. That is absolutely fine - we all need to find inspiration/models on which to base our work- but try to find your own voice as you go along.
Overall, this is a really great start to an erotic fantasy world. I'm really looking forward to the next chapters.
Good luck!
JB57
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