Story: Succubus P.I. - Dark Temptation Parts 7+8+Epilogue

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Originally Posted by herbert3000

Happy to hear that! What drew you into the story if not the sexfights, if I may ask?

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Thanks for reading the story commenting it! Yes, it were those 2 stories by JB and Catharis featuring a witch fighting a succubus (both very good reads with a similar plot but quite different in tone) which gave me the initial inspiration. Especially reading JB's version made me wonder how the life a an independent succubus wtihtin modern society would be like and how it might change her.

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I enjoyed the overall story building since I like a story that builds up the characters BEFORE the fight and opposed to give an info dump during or just before. I liked that you gave them motivations outside just meeting some woman and basically the two of them just jumping one another. It reminded me of a story I once wanted to write. A kind of MIB story, only instead of aliens they police mythical creatures like succubi, angels, demons, etc that, it turns out, actually do exist.

I do have one criticism, sort of a sour and sweet scenario. The last part where you have the four women sexfighting, you built it up as if we were going to see all four, while we only saw two. Another way to have done would be for the angels to have moved to another room and when Aya finished off Elena she runs off to find Katrin getting finished off by Jolie.

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Originally Posted by Gradius

I do have one criticism, sort of a sour and sweet scenario. The last part where you have the four women sexfighting, you built it up as if we were going to see all four, while we only saw two. Another way to have done would be for the angels to have moved to another room and when Aya finished off Elena she runs off to find Katrin getting finished off by Jolie.

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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Fair point of criticism you have there and an viable solution that doesn't require the introduction of additional perspectives. I'll keep this in mind for the next time.

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Originally Posted by Johannesdk

A wonderfull story, and as others have remarked, I'm also astonished that english is not your native language.

It's not mine either and I recognise very well your remarks about how hard it is to write and how much checking has to be done. But you are for sure a master in constructing a plot and you describe perfectly the surroundings and how your characters behave and how they feel.

It's a nice variation over the succubus stories written by JB (and another writer, who was the first, I think), that the succubs turns good or rather is forced to become good by an angel.

Thank you so much
Johannes

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Well, it’s more like the succubus was always good but the angel was mistrusting of her until she proved her dedication to not feeding on others anymore than what is necessary for her survival.

Ah yes, Herbert, thank you for reminding me, it was Carthasis who wrote the very fist succubs story - I really like those supernatual stories, it gives the writers more freedom to write wild scenes

Always interesting to read another author’s take on witches and succubi. That was well written, with a good balance of plot (both twists and revelations) and action. Katrin bringing Aya under control made the discovery that Elena was similarly controlled consistent in the rules of your world. Nice and symmetric.

One small thing that could have made Katrin’s secret identity less surprising for the reader would have been to drop clues about it earlier in the story, either through her words or behavior. That kind of setup and payoff can be done either covertly (through hints that don’t seem important or obvious until the second time one reads the story) to overtly (by making the lack of answer to her origin a nagging question or mystery).

Overall, this was entertaining. Hope you continue writing, in whatever language you’re most comfortable.

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Originally Posted by Catharsis

Always interesting to read another author’s take on witches and succubi. That was well written, with a good balance of plot (both twists and revelations) and action. Katrin bringing Aya under control made the discovery that Elena was similarly controlled consistent in the rules of your world. Nice and symmetric.

One small thing that could have made Katrin’s secret identity less surprising for the reader would have been to drop clues about it earlier in the story, either through her words or behavior. That kind of setup and payoff can be done either covertly (through hints that don’t seem important or obvious until the second time one reads the story) to overtly (by making the lack of answer to her origin a nagging question or mystery).

Overall, this was entertaining. Hope you continue writing, in whatever language you’re most comfortable.

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Thank you very much for your feedback, I really appreciate it!

I actually did some foreshadowing on Katrin when Aya checked her background at the beginning of the 3rd chapter. Maybe it was a little too subtle but on the other hand big shocking revelations kind of fit the cheesy pulp literature style I tried to apply here. Not sure :cool:
Anyway, as this story was generally well received I'll probably do a sequel once I have the time for it. I have the plot more or less nailed down but I really have to finish my current non-erotic novel first or my readers will grab their torches and pitchforks and come after me ;)

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Originally Posted by herbert3000

Thank you very much for your feedback, I really appreciate it!

I actually did some foreshadowing on Katrin when Aya checked her background at the beginning of the 3rd chapter. Maybe it was a little too subtle but on the other hand big shocking revelations kind of fit the cheesy pulp literature style I tried to apply here. Not sure :cool:
Anyway, as this story was generally well received I'll probably do a sequel once I have the time for it. I have the plot more or less nailed down but I really have to finish my current non-erotic novel first or my readers will grab their torches and pitchforks and come after me ;)

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Can’t wait!