disquiet

**SHATOUSHKA** · April 22nd, 2005, 08:01 AM

sometimes i feel as if i have made my own
victim within myself. sometimes i feel as
if my offenses are merely self-generated
due to a removal of illusion once clogging
my sight.

sometimes i question the legitimacy of my
perspective and wonder how valid my feelings
really are. from beneath the mask, it all
seems so very real... and i can feel every
pin-prick and hear every chiming word.

but then i contemplate the mask.... and
wonder if there really is a mask at all
or if what i'm seeing is real, or merely
the by-product of what i wish to see.

under many occasions i become quite trapped
within this conundrum and, if i allow it,
it consumes me for a great deal of time...
yet no answer is ever satisfactory for me
so that i may climb out of the well.

there are times when i take a breather from
the reflection and i can be at a comfortable
peace. but never does it stop the problem
from reocurring in my brain again at some
vague, unpredictable moment in the future.

i suppose out of the two sensations i
receive from viewing either perspective,
masked or unmasked, it would be wise to
seek the perspective that allows me the
greatest feelings of positivity.

but isn't that just another game i'm playing
with myself?

perhaps the unmasked version is the perspective
that is aware of both masks... or, rather,
both non-masks. at any rate, it's circular
and has no absolution.

all i do know... is that sometimes it's not
always good to know the reality of things.
(no pun)

* * *

i sit here wishing i were ignorant to a lot
of things i now know.

why must we be so curious? why do we seem
to become infatuated with trivial information
that can potentially harm us in a way that
cannot be mended without a scar?

why do i sit here juxtaposing block after
block of myself and situation... in the
futile attempt to make some sort of sense
from it?

* * *

sometimes i feel as if my boundries are not wide enough