Pirates (not Disney)

[Tard]

Yea, the porn has been around for about a year, but I wasn't gonna buy it. Heard good things about this "Pirates of the Caribbean" ripoff, so picked up the R-rated version when it hit the local HOLLYWOOD VIDEO store.

GAWD! [img]graemlins/gulp.gif[/img] The R-rated version is horrible! Of course, the sex scenes are edited away. R-ratings don't allow male nudity, or female nudity either for that matter. At least not when women have bald monkies, as all pron-queens do! Therefore, anything more explicit than showing a breast or butt-cheek had to be edited away. Therefore, guess about half the movie disappeared to get this rating. 1 hour and 20 minutes total runtime.

And it was so badly paced & dull, felt worse than the original 3.5-hour 1970 Tarkovsky version of SOLARIS while buzzing on a handful of White Crosses!

What was left was a bare skeleton of a 'movie'. It likely works better as a porn, but as a "real movie" (which they attempted with this rated version), Pirates is a flop. The CGI and greenscreen effects are about on-par with old Hanna Barbera "Land Of The Lost", Sid & Marty Krofft "Lidsville" episodes, or about how your local TV News weatherman looks before a cloudmap forecast. Obvious "cut-out" feel to anything done using greenscreen.

O'course, they are PORN actors, which means they may try but consistently fail to communicate real feelings (beyond "me rod. you hole. must fill. ugn!").

http://www.piratesxxx.com/main.php?flash=true#

[SHATOUSHKA]

as i've noticed this upon numerous occasions,
i feel its now the best time to mention that
you, rev, have a definite talent for writing...
perhaps reviews, i dunno, but you have a knack
for doing deeply involved (yet short) summaries
of things. i've often found myself really just
looking at what you are saying as opposed to
subject matter -- as i find it interesting to
read what you are saying.

i hope you are seriously doing something with it

[Tard]

That was by no means a 'fair' review of PIRATES, but focused mainly upon the fact an adult video was trying to pass itself off as a 'real' movie.

In fact, for an adult video, it had spectacular production value.

Costumes were well made (likely rented from a Renaissance-Fest). Nothing really to deride the production company about in this respect.

CG-FX and mat-paintings were about on-par with, oh, say the first season of Babylon-5 minus prosthetics. Which means pretty bad if compared to Jurassic Park, or War Of The Worlds, or (YES) even the weightless tentacles of the Kracken in PotC2; Dead Man's Chest. But they easily equal similar SFX seen in current Sci-fi Channel, basic cable TV, 'original presentations'. Someone really worked on those effects; and both for the type of video being made, and lack of budget being allocated for effects from said budget, I won't deride them for that either.

Some of the intentional humor was actually rather humerous. True, not LOLROTFPIMP by any means, and ocassionally lifted straight from PotC (with added swearing) but kinda chuckle- or snicker-inducing anyways. There was likely a LOT of unintentional and perhaps a bit more intentional comedy in the uncut version, but I'm not nearly interested enough to spend $40 for the XXX multi-disc DVD set to find out.

I'll likely watch it again, take notes on the story, character names, their arcs (yea, the characters actually grew from beginning to end!), and add to this review a bit more later.

Anyone else watch this "movie"?

[Tard]

PS to shatzy.
I only really write when posting online. Usually nothing offline, nothing 'saved'. Only on messageboards whenever the feeling to blab about something strikes me.

Last thing I tried writing (offline) was a movie script for an animated sci-fi comedy last year called "The Day The Earth Drank Swill". In a nutshell; a first-contact story between aliens & humans in the near future, but written and paced like a Frank Zappa concept album. Only got about 40 or 45 pages done, outlined (at least) the entire story, but never got a full version of Final Draft to flesh-out the whole story. Have a problem writing believable small-talk banter between characters.

Hehee, got a lotta numbnuts 'reviews' about it. "I don't understand what's happening", "where's the love interest?", etc. etc... which to some extent I understand. It's not written as the next Michael Bay CG-heavy summer blockbuster formula-flick.

Maybe I'll try reposting it here sometime. See what you think. Get me back in the mood to try writing something fresh (rather than reviewing other peoples material) again.

WTF. I'll look around for a free server that'll host text documents...

<font color="#5b5b5b" size="1">[ August 04, 2006 09:38 PM: Message edited by: reved ]</font>

[SHATOUSHKA]

i saw that pirates movie at blockbuster. at least
i'm pretty sure its the same one you're talking
about... i dunno. i just know you have to be 18
or something to rent it.

gay.

it's funny but....

i honestly wouldn't mind renting it if it wasn't
for the fact that the movie would leave a smudge
on my 'girl movie' rental streak.