you can do to make your pre-teen daughter feel better about herself

Ten things you can do to make your pre-teen daughter feel better about herself

By Ann Douglas

Any woman who has managed to survive that tightrope walk known as pre-adolescence
knows what a toll the pre-teen years can take on a young girl?s self-esteem. Even if a pre-teen girl is lucky enough to sidestep such obvious perils as bullying and sexual harassment?no small feat in this day and age?she may find it difficult to measure up to the impossibly high standards that society has set for her.

While self-esteem ultimately has to come from within (no matter how much others around you may love and value you, ultimately that feeling of self-worth has to bubble up from your own soul), here are 10 things you can do to help your daughter feel better about herself on that treacherous journey through pre-adolescence.

1. Find creative ways of countering the poisonous messages that our society sends young women about what it means to be beautiful. If you think it was difficult growing up in the shadow of Farrah Fawcett, I?ve got news for you: it?s 1000 times harder to grow up in the shadow of Britney Spears. After all, it?s one thing to have to compete with an adult woman who looks good in a bathing suit: it?s quite another to be asked to measure up to some ultra-sexy school girl who could theoretically show up in the hallways of your own school. Your challenge as a parent is to find creative ways of combatting the pressure your daughter faces. (And, no, my daughter and I have no idea how the Britney Spears cardboard cutout in our local grocery store ended up falling behind the Pepsi display.)

2. Celebrate your daughter?s uniqueness. One of the proudest moments I?ve ever experienced during my years as a parent occurred on the night my daughter graduated from eighth grade. Rather than succumbing to the pressure to wear the same slinky, pastel-coloured long dress as every other girl in her class, my daughter dared to be true to her ?Goth? roots. Her outfit of choice? A blue plaid dress, black combat boots, and black velvet gloves?a ?look? that was masterfully carried off by her peacock-blue hair. I wasn?t the only one who noted the aura of confidence that Julie emitted that night: I was stopped by numerous other parents who noted it as well. Needless to say that was music to my ears?and to Julie?s ears, too.

3. Find out what makes your daughter tick. Encourage your daughter to talk about her hobbies and interests. Not only will you get a clearer sense of who she is as a person?whether she?s a Picasso in the making or the next great tennis pro -- having this insider information about your daughter?s likes and dislikes will make it easier to keep the conversation flowing on days when she isn?t exactly in the chattiest of moods.

4. Get to know your daughter?s friends. While you can?t hand-pick your daughter?s friends in the same way that you did when she was a toddler, you can help to guide her choices by helping her to see the downside to maintaining friendships with girls who treat her poorly or who continually lead her astray. (Hey, with friends like that, who needs enemies?)

5. Celebrate your daughter?s successes. Don?t wait for some huge occasion to roll around before you pull out your camera or take your daughter out for a celebratory ice cream cone. Make a point of celebrating your daughter?s mini-successes on a day-to-day basis?perhaps a stellar result on a math test or an uncharacteristically tidy bedroom.

6. Encourage your daughter to learn from her mistakes. Rather than setting a standard of perfection for your daughter that views anything less than total success as a crushing failure, teach your daughter that stumbles are inevitable and that what truly matters at the end of the day is that she is able to learn from her mistakes.

7. Spend time with your daughter on a regular basis. The more time you spend together, the more likely it is that your ?mommy radar? will alert you to the fact that your daughter has hit a rough patch in terms of her self-esteem. Something as simple as taking a walk around the block each night after dinner may be all it takes for her to open up and tell you how badly she?s feeling about being the only girl in the class who wasn?t invited to one of the ?cool? kids? birthday parties.

8. Sow the seeds of optimism. If your daughter?s journey through adolescence is rockier than average, encourage her to be optimistic about the future and to have faith in her ability to weather the challenges that she is facing right now. She may appreciate being reminded that life won?t always be this difficult?that there is life after adolescence!

9. Be generous with your hugs. While your daughter may no longer appreciate being on the receiving end of a kiss in front of her friends, chances are she?s open to hugs and other demonstrations of affection when the two of you are on home turf. Bottom line? Pre-teens may give off distinctly *****ly vibes, but underneath their crusty shells, they still hunger for affection.

10. Give your daughter the gift of unconditional love. Let her know that no matter what path through life she chooses or how often she stumbles or loses her way, you?ll always be in her court. Your love for her is that strong.

Ann Douglas recently co-authored Body Talk: The Straight Talk on Fitness, Nutrition and Feeling Great About Yourself (Girl Zone/Maple Tree Press, September 2002) with her 14-year-old daughter, Julie. She can be contacted via her web site at www.having-a-baby.com.