1. Suggest that they 'just relax' or 'go on vacation' in order to get pregnant. It minimizes the real medical conditions that cause infertility. My counselor (who specializes in infertility counseling) points out that she has worked with a couple of infertility patients who were raped and became pregnant. Not to make light of their tragedy, but I can guarantee that they were far from relaxed at the time.

2. Ask, 'Are you pregnant yet?' (or, 'Any news about adoption yet?') If the couple has news to share, trust me - they will! Each time they hear these questions it adds pressure. Instead, if genuinely interested, ask in general how they are doing.

3. Insist that once a couple starts adoption papers, they'll get pregnant. I know that Bro. and Sis. So-and-So had that happen to them, but there is nothing magical about adoption paper ink! The fact is, only about 2% of infertile couples who turn to adoption get pregnant. That's the same percentage of infertile couples who get pregnant on their own without adopting. Besides, people generally adopt children because they feel it is right for them - not because they are trying to use it as a way to get pregnant.

4. Advise the couple to quit trying already and 'just go adopt'. It's not like there is a baby vending machine that you put your quarter in and receive a baby. It's not any easier than going through treatment, and it also shouldn't be regarded as 'Plan B'. Those who have adopted can testify that this was the means for THEIR child to come to them. Each couple has the right to their own inspiration about how these spirits will come to their family, and others should respect that right.

5. Tell the couple, 'At least the trying is fun!' There's nothing like schedules, post-coital exams, and other medical scrutiny to spice up your love life.

6. Tell the couple, 'My kids are driving me nuts - you can have them!' It's like saying, 'I have something you really want, and I just take it for granted.'

7. Wonder why the Lord won't trust this couple with a child. If children only came to worthy parents, we wouldn't have things like crack babies and teenage moms. People like Ardeth Kapp would have a million kids, and the Bible wouldn't have stories of people like Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, and Elisabeth.

8. Criticize someone who is grieving a setback, by saying that people who have faith in the gospel have no need to be sad. Actually, the Savior himself was 'a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.' Even he wept. The trials of mortality give us cause for grief and sadness, that we might know joy. There is a difference between grief, which is a normal, healthy response, and despair or bitterness, which faith in the gospel helps us avoid because of its eternal perspective and hope of overcoming mortality.

9. Tell a woman who has miscarried, 'At least you can get pregnant again.' I know it's an effort to look on the bright side, but it's not always a certainty. Also, life isn't replaceable - we wouldn't tell the mother of a child killed in an accident that she can just have another one.

10. Offer voodoo remedies like: stand on your head, eat less meat, wait for a full moon, etc.

Thou shalt...

1. Recognize that there is more to this couple than their reproductive or adoption status. Help them remember this, too.

2. Listen, listen, listen if they want to talk. They may not want advice, just understanding.

3. Offer comfort and cheer, but let them grieve at their own pace.

4. Help them find opportunities to use their nurturing abilities. Being an influence on a niece, nephew, neighbor, class, or ward member can be very rewarding. During a recent father/son campout, Jared was asked to accompany a young scout who had recently lost his father to cancer. It was a wonderful opportunity for both of them to fill a void in the other person's life. I was called to be the YW president one year on Mother's Day, and it was the first one in a long time that was happy for me, as I suddenly had 29 'daughters' in my care. My brother and sister-in-law are always quick to point out how my niece takes after my musical ability. While not quite the same as having children, it is nice to feel like you're building a 'legacy' wherever possible.

5. If you've been through a similar experience, share it. I had so many sisters come up to me and say, 'I don't know if you would be interested in knowing this, but I went through (X), and I remember feeling....' It is so helpful to know that there were more people out there who understand. One Mother's Day, our stake RS president (who had gone through years of infertility before having four great kids) came up to me, hugged me, and said, 'I know how much I hated this day when I was going through this - I love you and I'm thinking about you today.'

6. If you haven't been through a similar experience, and don't know what to say, just say, 'I love you and you're in my prayers,' or, 'I was thinking about you today. How are you?' It helps me a lot to hear that. Hugs are also nice if you know them well enough.

7. Support their decisions. Deciding what to do, whether it is treatment, adoption, or both, or neither, usually involves much soul-searching and prayer. Everyone is different, and the couple is entitled to their own personal revelation on the matter. They need to feel supported in doing what they feel is best for their situation.

8. If they have miscarried, help them validate the experience. My OB/GYN explained that what I lost wasn't a little blob of tissue, but a tiny person who had all the things it needed to live 70 years. It was the loss of something real, and I needed to hear that. Both of our employers sent flowers, as did many friends and family members, acknowledging that this was a significant loss in our lives.

9. Be sensitive during commonly tender times such as Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, or other holidays that often center around children or large family gatherings where they might feel out of place. Even birthdays can be hard, as they mark another year without a child and time is running out. Be understanding if they want to bow out of a family gathering once in a while or keep a low profile.

10. Pray for them. There is strength that comes from knowing the prayers of others are behind you. One sister in our ward asked me when our next IVF was, because her family wanted to have a special fast for us. I was touched, and it helped me have comfort during the procedure.