Joke Thread

[Lon Frank]

Here's an old one, but you've probably forgotten it by now, and will think I'm really great for coming up with it.

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being
held in the area around Lafayette, and duly dispatched the infamous
Detective Desormeaux to investigate.

Desormeaux reported to his sergeant the next morning: "Dey is tree main
groups in dis cock fightin," Desormeaux began.

"Good work Desormeaux! Who are they?" the sergeant asked,

Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," said Desormeaux, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight, I
knowed de Aggies was involved whan a duck was entered in de fight."

The sergeant nodded. "Ok, I'll buy that, but what about the others?"

Desormeaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved wen
sumbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant. "And how did you deduce that the Mafia was
involved?"

"De duck won."

[Aunt Bee]

Lon, I DO think you're great for coming up with THAT one-LOL! Never heard it before~

Now you're gonna make me go try and type two lawyer jokes my favorite lawyer told me recently! I swear, he has the most amusing lawyer jokes!

Thanks Lon! Been a long time since I was exposed to cajun talk!

[Aunt Bee]

PAINLESS DELIVERY

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

[Peter Errington]

An old married couple lived in a house next door to one occupied by a newly-wed couple. They observed, every morning, an extended session of torrid kissing by the newly-wed couple on the porch, before the man went off to work.

One morning the wife of the old married couple turned to her husband and said "I wish you'd do that."

And he said "I'd sure like to, but we haven't even been introduced."

[Aunt Bee]

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me.

I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical
school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was FredDingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my dental assistant. She gave me VD..... So, I was Fred Dingaling , MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my 'dingaling' so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.

[Aunt Bee]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all
alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her figuring that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying, "This is from the gentleman over there."

She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it reads:

"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

[the mule]

[img]wink.gif[/img]

[Mr Johnny Canuck]

What's the difference between a woman's G-spot and a golf ball?
.
.
.
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball

[Mr Johnny Canuck]

...to continue in the golfing vein...

[A background for this joke....in Britain people from Scotland are thought to be a little tight when it comes to parting with cash....]

Three couples are playing golf one beautiful summer morning. The first couple to tee off is English, and as the wife bends down to place her ball on the tee her husband notices that she is not wearing any underwear.

"Goodness gracious, darling. Why aren't you wearing any underwear?"

"Well, there isn't enough money left at the end of the week for me to buy new knickers"

Embarassed, the husband reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ?20 note and says "Take yourself off to Harrods and buy some."

The Irish couple is the next on the again. And begorrah and begosh if the husband doesn't notice that his wife is not wearing any underwear either.

"Jay-suss, woman, why in the name of God are not wearing your kit?"

His wife replies, "If ya didn't drink up all the housekeeping money I'd be able to buy a pair."

Shamefacedly, the husband reaches into his pocket and pulls ?5 from his pocket and says, "Away with ya to Marks and Spencer to buy yerself a pair."

The final couple up to tee off is Scottish. And if the husband doesn't notice that *his* wife is not wearing underwear.

"Hoots, man, why ye no wearing your gitch?" he asks.

She replies, "If you didna have your wallet welded shut I'd be able to buy a pair".

At this point the husband reaches into his pocket and pulls out a comb and says, "Well at least tidy yourself up." [img]eek.gif[/img]

On that note......

[the mule]

Generic Drugs

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

The US Federal Drug Administration has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mycoxafailin. Also considered were Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit. And of course, Ibepokin.


Some of my friends swamp my email with this stuff daily.