Laugh Dammit!

[ellanoize]

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk
and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he
is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,
sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship
mouth and Rowboat Ass".

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with
writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative
portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy
points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses , gets in the middle of the guys
face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is
about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under
cross > examination the defense attorney asks; Officer is this a reasonable
facsimile of the > citation you issued my client?

Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine,
same number at the top.

Attorney: Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation
you don't normally make?

Officer: Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH",
underlined.

Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer?

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"

Attorney: Aggressive and hostile"

O fficer: "Yes Sir?

Attorney: Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?

Officer: Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!

[ellanoize]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in
the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?

[ellanoize]

Due to the Don Imus controversy, there will only be 49 contestants
in the Miss Black America Contest this year, because no one wants to
wear the banner that says, IDAHO.

[ellanoize]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, Sister Clarise, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. Sister Clarise said,
"Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later Sister Clarise asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny
came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the sister
once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

Sister Clarise asked her a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue with his pencil.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Sister Clarise fainted!

[Cherry_pez]

LMAO!! Rosie O'Donnell!

[Cherry_pez]

"You helped our nation celebrate its bicentennial in 17 -- 1976." --George W. Bush, to Queen Elizabeth, Washington, D.C., May 7, 2007
(Watch video clip)

"I'm honored to be here with the eternal general of the United States, mi amigo Alberto Gonzales." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2007 (Watch video clip)

"Information is moving -- you know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007

"The question is, who ought to make that decision? The Congress or the commanders? And as you know, my position is clear -- I'm a commander guy." --George W. Bush, who apparently is no longer "The Decider," Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007 (Watch video clip)

"Wisdom and strength, and my family, is what I'd like for you to pray for." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007

"Either we'll succeed, or we won't succeed. And the definition of success as I described is sectarian violence down. Success is not no violence." --George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007

"And so, what Gen. Petraeus is saying, some early signs, still dangerous, but give me -- give my chance a plan to work." --George W. Bush, in an interview with Charlie Rose, April 24, 2007

"There are jobs Americans aren't doing. ... If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about." --George W. Bush. Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"There are some similarities, of course (between Iraq and Vietnam). Death is terrible." --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"I've been in politics long enough to know that polls just go poof at times." --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"My job is a job to make decisions. I'm a decision -- if the job description were, what do you do -- it's decision maker." --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"Politics comes and goes, but your principles don't. And everybody wants to be loved -- not everybody. ... You never heard anybody say, 'I want to be despised, I'm running for office.'" --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"I said to her, make sure the rug says 'optimistic person comes to work.'" --George W. Bush, on his instructions to First Lady Laura Bush in choosing a rug for the Oval Office, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"One of my concerns is that the health care not be as good as it can possibly be." --George W. Bush, on military benefits, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"Forms of government matter, in my opinion. It matters how -- the nature of the government in which people live." --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"My attitude is, if they're still writing about (number) one, 43 doesn't need to worry about it." --George W. Bush, on his legacy, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"A good marriage is really good after serving together in Washington, D.C." --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"The best thing about my family is my wife. She is a great first lady. I know that sounds not very objective, but that's how I feel. And she's also patient. Putting up with me requires a lot of patience." --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"Iraq is a very important part of securing the homeland, and it's a very important part of helping change the Middle East into a part of the world that will not serve as a threat to the civilized world, to people like -- or to the developed world, to people like -- in the United States." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2007

"Suiciders are willing to kill innocent life in order to send the projection that this is an impossible mission." --George W. Busy, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2007

"And my concern, David, is several." --George W. Bush, to NBC's David Gregory, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2007

"The solution to Iraq -- an Iraq that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself -- is more than a military mission. Precisely the reason why I sent more troops into Baghdad." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2007

"That's why we are inconveniencing air traffickers, to make sure nobody is carrying weapons on airplanes." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2007

"They're innocent, they were doing nothing, and they were summarily plucked out of water." --George W. Bush, on British sailors who were detained by Iran while on patrol in the Persian Gulf, Camp David, March 31, 2007

"Some call this civil war; others call it emergency -- I call it pure evil." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 28, 2007

"I'm a strong proponent of the restoration of the wetlands, for a lot of reasons. There's a practical reason, though, when it comes to hurricanes: The stronger the wetlands, the more likely the damage of the hurricane." --George W. Bush, New Orleans, March 1, 2007


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"And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it." --George W. Bush, interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007

"I think that the vice president is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality." --George W. Bush, interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007

"And one thing we want during this war on terror is for people to feel like their life's moving on, that they're able to make a living and send their kids to college and put more money on the table." --George W. Bush, interview on the NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, Jan. 16, 2007

"The best way to defeat the totalitarian of hate is with an ideology of hope -- an ideology of hate -- excuse me --with an ideology of hope." --George W. Bush, Fort Benning, Ga., Jan. 11, 2007

"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"It's bad in Iraq. Does that help?" --George W. Bush, after being asked by a reporter whether he's in denial about Iraq, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006

"And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and our guest read it." --George W. Bush, on the Baker-Hamilton Report, appearing with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006

"This business about graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all." --George W. Bush, on speculation that U.S. troops could be withdrawn from Iraq, Amman, Jordan, Nov. 30, 2006

"The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done." --George W. Bush, Greeley, Colo., Nov. 4, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words." --George W. Bush, interview with Rush Limbaugh, Nov. 1, 2006

"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one." --George W. Bush, Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 26, 2006

Maria Bartiromo: "I'm curious, have you ever googled anybody? Do you use Google?"
President Bush: "Occasionally. One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see -- I've forgot the name of the program -- but you get the satellite, and you can -- like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It remind me of where I wanna be sometimes." --interview with CNBC's Maria Bartiromo, Oct. 24, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"We're never been stay the course, George." --George W. Bush, attempting to distance himself from what has been his core strategy in Iraq for the last three years, interview with ABC's George Stephanopoulos, Oct. 22, 2006

"This morning my administration released the budget numbers for fiscal 2006. These budget numbers are not just estimates; these are the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the 30th." --George W. Bush, on the fiscal year that ended on Sept. 30, Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards." --George W. Bush, on holding six-party talks with North Korea, Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 2006

"I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me." --George W. Bush, talking to key Republicans about Iraq, as quoted by Bob Woodward

"I like to tell people when the final history is written on Iraq, it will look like just a comma because there is -- my point is, there's a strong will for democracy." --George W. Bush, interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Sept. 24, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"You're one of the outstanding leaders in a very important part of the world. I want to thank you for strategizing our discussions." --George W. Bush, meeting with the prime minister of Malaysia, New York, N.Y., Sept. 18, 2006

"The Patriot Act has increased the flow of information within our government and it has helped break up terrorist cells in the United States of America. And the United States Congress was right to renew the terrorist act -- the Patriot Act." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. , Sept. 7, 2006

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --George W. Bush, interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

"I said I was looking for a book to read, Laura said you ought to try Camus. I also read three Shakespeares. ... I've got a eck-a-lec-tic reading list." --George W. Bush, interview with NBC's Brian Williams, New Orleans, La., Aug. 29, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"And I suspect that what you'll see, Toby, is there will be a momentum, momentum will be gathered. Houses will begat jobs, jobs will begat houses." --George W. Bush, talking to reporters along the hurricane-ravaged Gulf Coast, Gulfport, Miss., Aug. 28, 2006

"I would guess, I would surmise that some of the more spectacular bombings are done by al Qaeda suiciders." --George W. Bush, on violence in Iraq, Washington, D.C., Aug. 21, 2006

"The United States of America is engaged in a war against an extremist group of folks." --George W. Bush, McLean, Va., Aug. 15, 2006

"See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s**t, and it's over." --George W. Bush, chomping on a dinner roll while talking about the Middle East crisis with British Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 summit, St. Petersburg, Russia, July 17, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"One thing is clear, is relations between America and Russia are good, and they're important that they be good." --George W. Bush, Strelna, Russia, July 15, 2006

"I've reminded the prime minister-the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006

"We shouldn't fear a world that is more interacted." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 27, 2006

"I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?" --George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
Bush: "Touche.
--an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"I tell people, let's don't fear the future, let's shape it." --George W. Bush, Omaha, Neb., June 7, 2006

"Trying to stop suiciders -- which we're doing a pretty good job of on occasion -- is difficult to do. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there's a peaceful tomorrow." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 24, 2006

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." --George W. Bush, on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006

"If people want to get to know me better, they've got to know my parents and the values my parents instilled in me, and the fact that I was raised in West Texas, in the middle of the desert, a long way away from anywhere, hardly. There's a certain set of values you learn in that experience." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany." --George W. Bush, D.C., May 5, 2006

"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" --George W. Bush, while showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"Finally, the desk, where we'll have our picture taken in front of -- is nine other Presidents used it. This was given to us by Queen Victoria in the 1870s, I think it was. President Roosevelt put the door in so people would not know he was in a wheelchair. John Kennedy put his head out the door." --George W. Bush, showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"That's called, A Charge To Keep, based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president's job is never to promote a religion." --George W. Bush, showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2006

"I can look you in the eye and tell you I feel I've tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, and would have committed troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today." --George W. Bush, Irvine, Calif., April 24, 2006

"I aim to be a competitive nation." --George W. Bush, San Jose, Calif., April 21, 2006

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006 (Listen to audio clip; Watch video clip)

"I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it -- I'm going to repeat what I said before -- I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out." --George W. Bush, Charlotte, N.C., April 6, 2006

"No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 22, 2006

"If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate." --George W. Bush, Washington D.C., March 21, 2006


"After the bombing, most Iraqis saw what the perpetuators of this attack were trying to do." --George W. Bush, on the bombing of the Golden Mosque of Samarra in Iraq, March 13, 2006, Washington, D.C.

"And so I'm for medical liability at the federal level." --George W. Bush, on medical liability reform, Washington, D.C., March 10, 2006

"I believe that a prosperous, democratic Pakistan will be a steadfast partner for America, a peaceful neighbor for India, and a force for freedom and moderation in the Arab world." --George W. Bush, mistakenly identifying Pakistan as an Arab country, Islamabad, Pakistan, March 3, 2006

"People don't need to worry about security. This deal wouldn't go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America." --George W. Bush, on the deal to hand over U.S. port security to a company operated by the United Arab Emirates, Washington, D.C., Feb. 23, 2006

"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company." --George W. Bush, defending a plan to allow a company controlled by the United Arab Emirates to manage ports in the United States, aboard Air Force One, Feb. 21, 2006

"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to--the beauty of playing baseball." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 13, 2006

"I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president." --George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Feb. 1, 2006

"He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror." --George W. Bush, on Saddam Hussein, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006



"I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen the movie. I've heard about it. I hope you go -- you know -- I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say." --George W. Bush, after being asked whether he's seen Brokeback Mountain, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006

"It's a heck of a place to bring your family." --George W. Bush, on New Orleans, New Orleans, La., Jan. 12, 2006

"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire." --George W. Bush, addressing war veterans, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2006

"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself -- not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel." --George W. Bush, after visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006

[ellanoize]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.


He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.


They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! ! !


"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "


"No, " she replies. .. . . . "


She says:


"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Cherry_pez]

awwwwwwwwww that is so cute!

[ellanoize]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells
her that her hair smells nice.the woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and
tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.the supervisor
is puzzled what's wrong with the coworker telling
you that your hair smells nice? the woman replies
he's a midget.

[ellanoize]

There were four buddies golfing and the first guy said, "I had to promise my wife that I would paint the whole outside of the house just to go golfing."

The second guy said, "I promised my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

The third guy said, "You guys have it easy! I promised my wife that I would built her a new deck."

They continued to play the hole. Then the first guy said to the fourth guy, "What did you have to promise your wife?"

The fourth guy replied, "I didn't promise anything."

All the guys were shocked, "How did you do it?!"

He replied, "It's simple. I set the alarm clock for 5:30.

Then I poked my wife and asked, 'Golf course or intercourse?'

And she said, 'Wear your sweater.'