joke time

[ellanoize]

Sally was driving home from one of her business
Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
A ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
The car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
Woman just sat silently, looking intently at
Everything she saw, studying every little detail,

Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

"What's in bag ?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
Two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
She said:


"Good trade....."

[Forbidden Passions]

Cheers*lol

[ellanoize]

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

================================================== ===


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[cherrysis]

ROTF!!!

[ellanoize]

A stranger was seated next to a young lady on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ?Let?s
talk. I?ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.?

The lady, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ?What would you like to
talk about?

?Oh, I don?t know?,

said the stranger. ?How about nuclear power??

?OK,? she said. ?That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is??

The stranger thinks about it and says, ?Hmmm, I have no idea,?

To which the little girl replies, ?Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don?t know
shit??

[cherriesmum]

hahahahha..still laughing about the clean sheets...that really hit me hahahaha..WHAT..they have to be dirty first hahahahaha...

[Forbidden Passions]

*lol

[Forbidden Passions]

*ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ellanoize]

I apologize for the vulgar punch line on this joke in advance... [img]redface.gif[/img]
_________________________________________________

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day!
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied,?Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

[ellanoize]

Technical Update

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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