life, meet death -- dani cassidy

[dani cassidy]

<center>Tried my best to make you understand
That sometimes I've been dealt an upper hand
And I can't share with you what I need
It's something you'd never understand.
Tried my best to sympathise
Show you tears before I dried my eyes
But I can't share with you waht I need
It's something you'd never understand.
Tried my best to speak your language
Walk your walk, talk your talk
But all of these words have been lost
They're something you'll never understand.</center>

Riley,

I've tried to explain to you, and you know I'm not good with words. My relationship with my brother is real, and sacred, and nothing will break that. I realize people don't accept it, I realize people probably never will. But, I thought you were different. I thought you'd understand, or at least try to. But you're running away with your tail between your legs like some lost puppy, too scared to continue down a road that isn't freshly paved with fucking dandelions sprouting from fresh, green grass. And I hate that for you. I hate that you are so closed, and so self-centered that you would run away from me just like everybody else.

I've considered checking myself into the hospital for more tests, because I know that's something you'd want. But the more I see these boxes packed, the more I realize you have no intention of unpacking them. The more I realize you're already trying to protect yourself from me, as if what I'm going through will directly hurt you. You think I'm psychotic. I'm not.

I want you out. I want you out by Friday, no exceptions. If you can't accept me, don't live with me. Don't pretend to be fine. Don't lie. Just leave.

-D

[dani cassidy]

He showed up on her doorstop with a handful of weeds and marigolds, panic washed over boyish features. When she opened the door, her eyes widened, before she smirked at his gift.

"Like last time. But uhh, your neighbor is fucking pissed, so here." He thrust them at her sharply and brushed his hands clean, glancing over his shoulder for the blue-haired woman who threatened to chase him with her rolling pin.

"You're a riot. Where are we going?"

"I don't care, I just hadn't seen you in a while so I wanted to talk."

"You mean suck up."

"Yeah, maybe that too, a little. But is it still 'sucking up' if you know what I'm doing?"

"Sure it is, how do you think I managed to make A's with my male teachers throughout school?"

"Your ass is hot in that skirt."

"They said the same thing."

----

The park was quiet, speckled with people who were out for their usual Sunday strolls. Shops were busy with families enjoying the day off, kids chasing each other in circles, parents taking a moment to breathe fresh air rather than stale oxygen trapped in cubicles. They walked over to a large patch of empty grass and he spread out a blanket, both frames plopping down to sprawl, Dani's legs crossed at the ankles as eyes stared up at the sky.

"So what's going on, Dani? I haven't talked to Riley in a while. I saw his stuff gone."

"Oh, yeah. He's gone."

"Gone completely? You already killed him?"

Eyes cut to their corners to glance at him, fingers moving to swat his side. "You're just a kid. You'll understand someday when you get a girl and decide after a week you want to live with her. Take my advice -- don't."

"This coming from the girl? Aren't you supposed to defend yourself?"

"Things just didn't work out, end of story."

"I ate Ramen for lunch."

"You're the most random person I know, Zachary."

"Not entirely, I just burped some up, so it was fresh in my mind -- and my mouth, for that matter."

Head rolled as she glanced at him, brows lifting. She couldn't help but laugh. "I wish I was your age. Don't grow up."

"You act like I'm fucking twelve or something."

"Oh please, your priorities are Ramen and what jeans will turn 'that girl' on."

"So?"

"I'm just saying, you're living the best time of your life, don't waste it."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Well you're not exactly a geezer, you're still young. Shouldn't you be enjoying life -- regardless of age, even?"

"I guess."

Fingers moved to pluck at blades of grass, tossing them aside. His eyes rolled over to her, watching her. He always had a knack for older women.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Not much of anything."

"Can I shadow you sometime this week?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm wrapping up with Winston project, Wednesday we start a new spread with Donovan Designs -- just random models for various designers."

"Models, score. I'll have to buy a new pair of jeans."

Snickering, she shook her head. "Are you sure you aren't gay? You shop more than any oth--"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chill it right there, girlfriend. I'm not gay."

"You just called me girlfriend. Gay."

Eyes rolled to meet his and she grinned at him, eyebrows wiggling a tad.

"...I'm not gay. If I was gay, I wouldn't wish I was up your sk--"

"Zachary. Shh."

"Yes Ma'am."

Shoulders shook lightly as eyes rolled back towards the sky, spirit feeling younger than it had in years. If nothing else, he sparked her with a juvenile feeling of peace, eyes watching a single cloud as it rolled by.

Maybe things would start making a little bit of sense after all.

[dani cassidy]

"So here's the thing."

"Hmm?"

"I can't really stop thinking about you." A breath, before he hurriedly finished. "I mean it's not like I consciously sit there and think about you, it's just that little things remind me of you and I can't seem to get them out of my head."

"Oh."

Phone gently moved to sandwich between her left ear and shoulder, fingers sifting through papers scattered chaotically over her desk. She offered little response, half-assedly listening to his breath on the other end of the line. When there was silence, she refused to fill it.

"Dani, look-"

"You look, Riley. You made the conscious decision to leave m--"

"That's bullshit, you threw me out."

"I threw you out because you fucking fre--" There was a knock on the door, Mark moving to pop his head in.

"Got a minute?"

Hand waved him in and she cleared her throat, left hand moving to hold the phone as her head straightened, shoulders squaring.

"I've got to go, Mark just walked in. We'll discuss this later." Receiver met its cradle and Mark rose his brows lightly, moving to settle into the seat across from her.

"Riley?"

"Unfortunately. He's moving, you know."

"If I didn't know, you'd be in big trouble, Miss. But yes, I knew."

"I hate to think I'm responsible for this."

"What I wanted to talk to you about is Gina. You saw her last week, yes?"

Frame moved to settle into the seat, leather whining as she shifted hips to rest comfortably. "I did."

"Can you help her?"

"Mark, I'm not a doctor. I--"

He leaned forward onto her desk, rather assertively, hands pressed firmly together as fingers laced within one another. Eyes pierced as he looked at her dead-on, Danielle's brows lifting slightly at his character.

"She needs you. I need you."

Chest rose and fell with a faint sigh as she glanced at her computer monitor, then back to him.

"I find it troublesome that you're trying to coerse me into helping your sick wife, Mark. This definately oversteps company bou--"

"Fuck 'company boundaries', Dani. And for you to call her sick means you find yourself sick, since you're exactly the s--"

"Excuse me, but we are hardly the same," said rather flatly, lips forming a straight line as expression fell away from her face. "Do not concern yourself with my personal life, you know very little of me."

"I know enough to know why Riley is copping out and quitting."

"It doesn't take much for one to see that he's being a baby. People don't quit jobs because of girlfriends."

"Apparently, that's where you're wrong. He's torn up, and I'm saying this as his friend, not his boss."

"Ex-boss."

"That's not your concern, Dani."

"Bullshit! He hasn't even been to work in over a wee-"

"He's been working from another office."

Lids blinked rapidly as she glanced up towards him, jaw slacking a bit. "Excuse me?"

Mark leaned back in his seat and sighed, glancing at the clock, blue eyes rolling back towards her. It was his turn for the flat expression, tones quiet.

"I can't let him go yet, not until we're finished with the Christenson campaign."

"You put him on the Christenson campaign? Why?"

"You have enough on your plate."

Eyes rolled and fingers moved to rub over her forehead, lids closing as she leaned back further in her seat.

"So... you mean to tell me, that not only have you been working with Riley behind my back, but you gave him a campaign that you know I wanted?"

"Dani, it isn't about the campaign. It's about you and Riley, and my wife, and deadlines, and I am not a very good boss right now. I'll rightfully admit to that. But, let me remind you that I am the boss. I had to make an executive decision, you know that. You're a smart girl."

Eyes rolled to glance at the clock, realizing they were cutting into her lunch hour. With forty-five minutes left, she had enough time to catch a cab, ride over to Fifth Street, and be just in time to finish up the Winston project. Head shook lightly, insides bubbling with words inappropriate for the time and place. Hands moved to gather papers, sliding them into black leather shoulderbag.

"I've got to go, Donna's meeting me in forty-five minutes to close the Winston project." Standing, he moved to speak, but didn't -- not for a moment, before he stood and turned to walk out, stopping in his tracks.

"There's something else I have to tell you."

"What? That my dog died?"

"There's a benefit tomorrow night for the Christenson Campaign. Important people that are looking to us for future spreads and/or campaigns. I need you to be there."

"Fine, time?"

"Seven. Black tie."

"Oh, super." Teeth gritted as she felt herself nearly sick at the idea of having to find a tacky dress to wear.

"Riley is picking you up at six."

"Excuse me?"

"No exceptions. You don't show, you don't get the next spread. See you then."

[dani cassidy]

<center>



------</center>

Sky flooded over the outdoor gala, pooling over the event like a star-studded blanket, across seas of people dressed as stiff statues of cosmopolitan dreamers, white shirts in stark contrast against black tuxedos. They waltzed around her as if it were a dream, hazed vision identifying no one, blatantly obvious forced smile sinking into her lips as she waved fingers towards the ghostly images of coworkers and prospects. None of it seemed real -- she heard the music, though it didn't register -- saw the gowns, the glitter, the glamour -- but it didn't register. Perhaps because none of it mattered anymore, body overcome with illness as she confined herself to a black evening gown, hair worn rather plainly to feather about slender shoulders. Though she'd wanted it, the sky refused to threaten rain -- it was the clearest night in months. Slowly, she wove soft steps through the crowd, the angelic voice seeping through the chatter and tinkling of words passed on a business level, its melody encompassing her -- catching her off-guard, even. Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall, but watching stars without you, my soul cried. Half of her wondered why a sullen song was even sang at the gala -- she'd prefer jazz, or something more upbeat. But the heavy voice of the alto continued, words sinking into her mind, catching to swim through her veins. Heaving heart is full of pain, oh, the aching. 'Cause I'm kissing you, oh. I'm kissing you, oh. Words caught her heart and plucked like strings of a violin, ghostly visions moving to slow-motion, footwork so intricately sewn that they led her straight to him. His eyes were dark and soft, a contrast to her own bright grays, reflecting the full belly of the moon as it sparkled down from Heaven. Slowly, his palm slid over her shoulder and down her back, pressing gently to the small of her back as other hand moved to hold hers gently, feet guiding her into a gentle step into the center of the twirling sea, eyes never leaving hers. The song spoke volumes in the background, words cascading through otherwise still air as the rush of chatter seemingly ceased. Touch me deep, pure and true, gift to me forever, 'cause I'm kissing you, oh. I'm kissing you, oh. Chin tilted slightly as she moved to look into his eyes, her lips moving to say something, though she caught herself. It wasn't appropriate -- words would do nothing but shatter the glass of hope that encompassed her. She fell into his lead, following, feet guiding her in ways they hadn't before -- she wasn't accustomed to dancing, she wasn't accustomed to leading -- but she was with him. Every move he made kept her moving within his woven dance, every step like one more splash of paint on an unfinished canvas. They both knew the song, it was popular, it had been used in the movies. And words were barely mouthed to her as the singer sang her lyrics, Danielle's jaw tightening as she tried to force down feeling into an empty gut as he mouthed words to her: Where are you now? Where are you now? 'Cause I'm kissing you, I'm kissing you...

-----

"Good morning, Chicago -- You just heard Deseree with Kissing You. It's a cloudy day today in the windy city, hold on to your ha--"

Fingers moved to gently touch the radio alarm, thin frame rolling onto her side to find mattress empty -- even Riley's scent was washing away into nothing. Where are you now...

[dani cassidy]

The sound was enough to make ears bleed, cheap ceramic crashing to the floor as she tore into a deep rage, tears flooding down cheeks that were in fact not sunken, nor pale -- but full, and rosy. Stomach lurched as fingers felt the smooth, cool ceramic beneath them, eyes boring straight into his as a yellowed plate decorated with multi-colored daisies went splashing to the floor.

"You fucking decided to tell your little goddamn coworkers about me, hmm?"

"I-I only told D-Danielle... Honey, please, c-calm down..."

A raging growl hissed from her as she sent a cup to shatter with remnants of its fellow set, a cheap set purchased at Goodwill that had been tucked away in her closet until the timing deemed appropriate.

"Why don't you fucking tell the goddamn USA Today, you stupid son o--" Eyes flashed as a bread plate skidded and shattered to meet tiled floor, the rest of her command lost behind the loud screams of shattered dishes. In contrast, he stood quietly, molars grinding as jaw tightened, fists shoved into his pocket. He knew in time it would past, and she'd fall into a puddle of tears. And he'd pick up the pieces as usual -- pieces of a broken woman who had little control over herself -- as much control as the second dinner plate donning daisies did, as it went crashing to the floor.

"You think you're some hot shit, now that you don't have to deal with your ex-wife, don't y--" Punctuated by a shattered teacup.

"Excuse me? That's enough." He moved to her and gripped both of her wrists before she could pick up another dish, fingers tightening as he felt her recoil beneath him. "Now you listen to me. We are not divorced. You left me, remember? You ran away, and n--"

"I ran away because you ignored me! You won't accept me! This is how I am and you don't understand it, you don't try to understand!"

"Gina, for the love of God, stop defending yourself and just listen to me."

"I don't need you, Mark. I don't need you or--" In one quick shrug, she slipped wrists out from under his grasp, leaning back against the counter. "--your hold on me." Fingers reached for the yellow broom that was propped in the corner, and she moved to sweet shattered ceramic using careful precision, shoulders squaring. In the snap of an instant, her rage was turned inward, frame otherwise outwardly calm and collected. Just like that.

-----

"Danielle, Gina."

"How are you?"

"I'm rather well, you?"

"I'm good, thanks."

"I'm calling about this evening's meeting."

"Yeah?"

"A friend dropped by, and I don't think this evening will work. We got a little -- tied up."

"That's fine, just let me know when you want to meet."

"How's tomorrow morning?"

"I have work."

"Meet me at eight o'clock, for thirty minutes."

"Bu--"

"Trust me, Mark won't be into work at his usual time. Tomorrow, then."

The line went dead.

[dani cassidy]

<center>Seven am;
The garbage truck beeps as it backs up
And I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away.
Could I push rewind?
The credits traverse, signifying the end
But I missed the best part.
Could we please go back to start?
Forgive my indecision

Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side
But, then again, a day will come when I want off that ride.

Eleven am,
By now you would think that I would be up
But my bedsheets shade the heat of choices I've made
And what did I find?
I never thought I could want someone so much
'Cause now you're not here and I'm knee deep in that old fear.
Forgive my indecision... I am only a man.

Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side
But, then again, a day will come when I want off that ride.

Twelve pm and my dusty telephone rings.
Heavy head up from my pillow, who could it be?
I hope its you.

Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side
But, then again, the day has come and I want off that ride.
[Incubus.]</center>

[dani cassidy]

The last time they'd spoken was at the benefit, though it hardly compared to her dream. He hadn't picked her up as Mark said he would, which was better for them both -- and throughout the evening they'd force cracked smiles towards their colleagues and contenders alike. For the most part they were silent, albeit more recently silence trumped discussion ten to one. Denim-covered legs kicked up onto the sofa, fingers diligently scrolling through the latest updated photography. The new kid sucked in comparison to Riley -- there was no better word for it. He knew her pictures like he knew her splitting soul, smoothing the rough edges and bandaging the hiccups. The damn song that haunted her dream continued to haunt her, a flushed sigh sneaking past lips as she breathed out lyrics aimlessly. Eyes moved away from the rough photographs and teeth moved to grind into each other, fingers moving to rub over her forehead. Diskette was popped from the laptop and thrown at the opposite wall, a growl huskily forced from heaving chest. Fingers moved to grab her cell phone, scrolling through the list of names to find Mark's. As far as she was concerned, she'd take her business elsewhere. Anywhere. Anywhere away from the god-awful city that held her as she lulled herself to sleep each night by way of tears.

On the other side of forever, his wet soles moved against cement in a dull clap, heated breath was exhaled and rose above him and trailed behind like some flesh and bone locomotive as he walked the avenue. The flip phone was expelled from warm solace, hazel eyes stared at the backlit screen for what seemed years before he punched buttons with a bare thumb. Contacts. Dani Monster. The name he gave her number, a little joke on his part, a small smile worked its way over chapped cold lips. It was wrong, yet why did he need to hear her again? Too many questions to answer, too many needs to be met. On the other end of connection, plastic mechanism skidded from fingers when it rang, vibrating and lighting up in all its grandeur, a rather awkward obscenity squashed from perplexed lips. Staring at the screen, she blinked -- RaRaRiley. Heart instinctively clapped up into throat, stomach churning as she swallowed hard.

"...Riley."

A pause, the sound of speeding cars crackling through the line.

"Dani... look, um... meet me outside. I wanna talk to you." Shifting his weight, he glanced up at her building -- it was inevitable that he'd end up there amidst his wandering. "And don't give me any bullshit, just come outside, please -- it's a beautiful night..."

"I wasn't going to argue with you. I'll be down in a minute."

Phone flipped closed and she grabbed her jacket, also a pea coat that was ridiculously preppy looking and had hot pink lining. It actually made her look quasi-normal, wafer-thin form strapped into her life jacket swimming her to an All-American sort of safety. Feet slid into brown shoes and carried her downstairs, her footsteps heard from outside -- pushing the door open, nose instantly turned pink from the cool air, unlocked door clicking behind her as she stepped out onto the sidewalk. She made little eye-contact at first, loosely-curled fists shoved deep into the warmth of her pockets.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself." He mirrored her, the shiftless form under the streetlight, a hearty mist emblazoned by the dull glow from above. Voice cracked boyishly at first, though it cleared as he went on.

"You look better in that coat then that silly dress.." Head tilted down, eyes to a foot as he kicked at an imaginary something, hands still nested in warm pockets.

Laugh scuffed lazily from her lips as she rolled her eyes at his compliment, knowing full well she looked like a fucking cheerleader. There wasn't necessarily a smile to accompany her laughter, either -- the more he spoke, the more exposed she felt. The harder it was to keep emotion in the pit of her stomach. The more her eyes burned with the threat of tears. But, tears never fully formed -- eyes moved to glance at the moon, his words razor-sharp against an empty ribcage that enwrapped a rapidly rattling heart -- pieces of one, at least.

"I miss you, you know. I miss us." He was almost pathetic looking, albeit in that dockworker dapper sort of way; semi-wet and thoroughly miserable.

"Yeah. Part of me does, too."

Bullshit. All of me does.

"You just gotta tell me what's going on, Dani. I don't want to lose you to something that I could've helped prevent, you know?" Feet instinctively moved closer to her, a broken boy standing before his broken girl -- maybe together their pieces could fit together to make at least something remotely whole.

"I... I wanted us to work. I wanted to be there when you woke up in the morning, I wanted to be the reason you came home. Everything is nothing without you, Riley. I just... what happened that night is something that I don't know how to explain. And even if I did, you wouldn't believe me. And now Mark has me acting like a fucking psychiatrist to his wi--" Lips turning into a frozen wasteland. "You didn't hear me just say that."

"There you go again, leaving me in the dark. I believe you Dani, just make me understand and don't leave me out, stop leaving me out."

He couldn't stop the way he moved to her, the way his arms moved to loop about her waist. He felt her tense beneath him, broken-down kingdom slowly crumbling as she finally tugged hands away from pockets, arms moving to encircling about his neck.

"All I can do is try."

"That's all I'm asking you to do, then."

"...Come home."

[d to the evin rocked it out.]

[dani cassidy]

"When's the last time you saw him?"

"The Christensen benefit."

"Did he look healthy?"

"He looked like he usually does."

"If you could save your sarcasm for others, Ms. Cassidy, I'd appreciate it."

"Sorry."

Eyes rolled to their corners, focusing on the yellowing cement blocks. The dimly lit light didn't help much to soften her mood.

"Moving on. Any coworkers seem to be acting strangely?"

"No."

"I've been told by several other interviewees that you've become close to Riley Donovan. Is this correct?"

"Close is a relative term, don't you think?"

"Ms. Cassidy--"

"Yes. Yes, we're close."

"Living together?"

"I don't unde--"

"Yes or no, Ms. Cassidy."

"We were."

"But you're not now?"

"It's up in the air."

"Have you met any of Mark's family?"

She sat for a long moment, spine stacking as shoulders squared.

"I need an answer, Ms. Cassidy."

"Once."

"Who?"

"His wife."

"And what was her character towards you?"

"Casual."

"Did she seem alarmed?"

"No, why would she?"

"I'll ask the questions here." The man cleared his throat, backs of fingers moving to scratch along his jaw line before he continued.

"Did she tell you her name?"

"Not that I recall."

"Did she seem healthy?"

"As far as I could tell."

"You say she was 'casual'. Could you be a little more specific?"

"We met in passing. I've never spoken with her one-on-one."

"Was she with Mark at the time?"

"I can't remember where I met her."

He cleared his throat curtly and moved to the edge of his seat, leaning elbows onto the table -- much like the way Mark had that night in the bar.

"Ms. Cassidy, I'll say this once. If you are hiding any details from me, you may be tried as an accomplice."

"Accomplice? Mark isn't dead, is he?"

"He's missing. And by not giving straight answers, you're involving yourself greater than you may think."

-----

"Gina?"

"Yes! I've been waiting to hear from you."

"Yeah, we better get together after all. They asked me some things I wasn't expecting, we need to get our stories straight."

"Good. I'll give you my entry at the same time."

"Don't break anything until we see each other."

"I've already broken all I planned to break."

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ October 14, 2005 06:36 PM: Message edited by: reconciled ]</font>

[dani cassidy]

Folded in half with a single piece of Scotch tape, stuck to the bathroom mirror.

Riley,

I know I'm not very good at saying the right thing all the time -- or anything, really -- but at least I'm saying something, right? I know you want answers, and I know you're anxious. I know you feel in the dark, and left out, and for that I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you of all people -- because when I hurt you, I hurt me, doubly. You know?

I guess all I really wanted to say is I'm trying, and that's all you asked of me, so that should be sufficient. I won't be satisfied until I see your boxes back in my livingroom, even if they never get unpacked. I need to know that you aren't leading a double-life where you can scoot out whenever I go off the deep end again, because honestly, you and I both know it will happen. And, well, I'd just be a really bad girlfriend if you had boxes at some other place. So just move them back. Okay?

I have a meeting up in Oak Park -- long story, don't ask -- tell Mark I'll be in as soon as I can.

-D.

[dani cassidy]

Left on his voicemail.

"Zach, D. I know. And I don't know what to make of any of it, I can't really get my two-cents in edgewise at work, and this fuckin' kid who's working for me doesn't have a clue what he's doing. Just... hang in there. I'm going to try to get this kid fired, you're the person I want if Riley can't do it. He's been working from another office. It's Saturday -- you shouldn't be thinking about work, anyway. Maybe you'll figure that out wh-- Oh, shit, it says I have thirty seconds remaining. Um. Don't ever call me again at two o'clock in the morning, but -- Callmewe'llgooutsoonbye."

Click.