secrets of a sky savior -- Lola Maroon

[no ones muse]

The dry heaves got worse and worse as the nights went on. Sometimes being quiet about it didn't always seem to work as her body jolted and blood was gurgled away from her stomach. Normally it only lasted a few minutes, though sometimes it was a continuous trek from her bed to the bathroom. Tonight she was lucky, and she was only locked away in the confinement of her bathroom for a good five minutes.

Thin boned knuckles came to smooth across the landscape of her jaw, drawing away a few traces of red from the paper white of her chin. Breathing was always good, and the excercise she put into it was slow and steady. Shakey hands caught the edge of the toilet and the Birdborne shoved herself to her feet.

Hands reached and twisted the nozzle to the sink letting cold, fresh water spill into her palm which was quickly used to wash out the foul taste of bile and vitae from her mouth. Eyes had watered up and she felt that weak, jello aftermath of her knees start to set in.

It was a hard decision, yet Lola had refrained from letting anyone know of the sudden disease she was plagued with. It was due to the pregnancy, surely, but she would never blame such a thing for her illness. The birth, though strenuous and hard on Lola, had also been the peek point of Isabella and Octavio taking their first breaths. Her hand fell near her stomach, smoothing across where she could feel the scars. This was the right choice in the Birdborne's mind.

Silent as a ghost of her own estate, the Bird crept like the shadows across the hall and stopped short, when she passed her childrens nursary room. The sight was enough to send a smile across her lips, and offer her a bit of bliss through all her fatigue.

Raoul had been a sleep within the rocking chair between the two cribs, looking quite uncomfortable though Lola dared not disturb him. A book in his hands that she couldn't figure out the title, and two beautiful babies at each of his sides.

With Raoul staying here to help watch the kids, it made it a bit easier on Lola. Not because she couldn't be a single mother on her own, though in the state of harm she was facing and the damn good job she was doing covering it up, it made her tired easily. She had her good days, and her bad days, though lately none of the too terrible days had crept up on her.

And what about Raoul? She was still confused on his intentions on staying here. It was for the kids, wasn't it? She herself had nothing to do with him staying here. They were both so damn stubborn, and so foreign in their own witty and arrogant ways, that the truth wouldn't be said or acted on from either or. She wanted him, she wanted him back so bad. Sure, she technically had him, though he was still so far away. They had no physical connection, their smiles were a bit awkward. Conversation never really built around anything but the twins, which wasn't bad, though it wasn't like old times either where their bodies fit like puzzles. Where her mysterious rendevous' with him sparked such passionate devotion. They had been the epitome of an inferno when they were together, and apart? Apart they didn't seem like much of anything but relics of what true love was.

The smile faded slowly and she drifted off from the door way. Things seemed so much better, yet at the same time, so worse. She took the good more than the bad, though. Her own health wasn't as big as a priority anymore, as long as she was strong enough to defend and raise her children for as long as possible.

Sativa and Bowser came hobbling behind her while the Birdborne began the slow, euphoric crawl back into the comfort of her own bed. Pillows surrounded her and she clutched them against her chest, just like she would do with a body. The dogs scattered at the end of the king size, and they were enough to offer Lola a slow smile. The pain residing in her abdomen ceased, for now, and the pretty bird began her climb into dream land.

And her dream land was almost exactly like her reality, now.

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[no ones muse]

Journal entry made on 8/22/05

Life as we know it, is worth living. Some choose paths that not all would agree on though that is there journey to take. For some of us, life is about family. It is about those that we look to for guidence and the patience to help us through the slumps of day to day stress. And I am happy to say that I have a good amount of those that I would consider family.

This house, this new place where there are no old memories, smells so fresh. It's ripe with the laughter of myself, with the sounds of my sleeping children. It's home when I walk within and can already smell what Raoul has cooked. This is where I belong and I couldn't ask for anything more.

Raoul has come back and we have finally seemed to patch up the riff that had opened up between us. Last night we kissed and held one another as if it was the first time. I couldn't remember a moment where we were so connected, so bound to one another in the silence that was sometimes ruined with a faint moan or a breathless "I love you".

I've been back to the Tavern, to see the faces that I missed so much. The day before, Raoul brought Isabella and Octavio out to show off while he had chased me out of the house earlier to get some fresh air. He is a wonderful father and you can tell he is delighted with the twins by just the faint brightening of his eyes. His moods have changed and he actually has not been working as much, just to be sure he has enough time to spend with the kids.

At the Tavern, I was more than overwhelmed with adoration from those I hold so dear. Paige and Rick were there, and my emotional bond with them will never change. Paige is much like my mother in a sense, though a sister and best friend as well. Rick will always be that older brother type. When I look at them, I can't help but just smile. Their relationship and love for one another is what I feel like I have almost achieved with Raoul. Aside from the marriage part, of course. In due time, though. In due time.

Seeing Zane and Desdenova was a treat. Zane has always been a wonderful listener, and Desdenova, as frail as he seems, is one of the strongest people I have ever encountered in my life. I respect him just as much as the others, if not just a hint more for his thriving way of life. Morbid or not. Camilla was there, and something like curiousity came over me. Cam has been through so much, like that of me, and yet she still finds the time to be there for those that need her. Such as Desdenova. All in all, these are the people that I will speak very highly about to that of my children when they are older. Stories and tales of adventure and friendship.

Trent has stumbled back into my life, though not as you might expect. I love him, and always will. But he understands now that I have a family, and I would do anything to protect it. Raoul is who I am supposed to be with, forever. Though Trent was the stepping stone to the possibility of real love with Raoul. Even with the awkwardness between Trent and Raoul, they remain civil towards one another. Perhaps for my sake, which in all reality, I am thankful for. Raoul understands that Trent will always be apart of my life, though he also knows that he himself is the main point of my heart.

Isabella and Octavio are growing, and I couldn't be more proud of how beautiful they are. Healthy, attractive, with their own personalities starting to shine through. This is what I have always, always wanted and needed. Stability. Knowing I now have others to truely watch out for aside from myself. The instinct to take care of them, the primal animosity of a mother tightly knit to her offspring. I would easily die for them, in knowing that they would go on. A parent should never, ever have to see their children die. And even with these two new babes, Bethany will always be in my mind. She watches over them. I know it.

Earlier this afternoon I went to see a doctor. A specialist, anyways. I told him about the dry heaves, the blood. He said due to the complications that had happened when the twins were born, my insides were a bit mangled. My cervix is still ruptured and ripped, and I will have to go into surgery for it. The scars across my abdomen will fade, in time, he says. Telling Raoul about the surgery won't be easy, though now with things seeming much better between us, I know he will be right there to see me through.

All in all, life is wonderful. I am happy, and from what I see around me, the majority of those I care for are as well. Though one person I have not seen as of late is Shannon. I miss her dearly. Perhaps I will give her a call tomorrow.

[no ones muse]

Another year older means what to people nowadays? Does it mean you need to start thinking clearly of your future? Find out the right pricing on botox?

Thirty years old and I'm still not married, though I have two beautiful children. I have a boyfriend who, from my calculations, isn't as happy as I think he should be. My family is scattered around, watching over me as if I am fifteen again.

This birthday was nothing special. In fact, I barely remembered my own birthday. It was mostly my brother and parents that called me, to wish me a happy 30th. Raoul seemed to have forgotten, though it's expected with how busy we've both been with the twins, and him at Soho still.

The odd thing is, I finally feel my age. I finally feel old compared to a good majority of those that I am friends with. I hear the age twenty four and I cringe. Twenty two is even worse, which makes up half the population that is running around. I'm a grandmother practically. Well, not yet anyways.

Maybe this signifies a time to move. To just grab everything and head somewhere to start anew. Spain. Maybe even back to Portugal to raise the twins. Perhaps this is the time where I really buckle down, and strictly put efforts of my life on hold for my children. Who, in all reality, are my life now.

Raoul means very much to me, and as much as I am afraid to loose him again, I feel like it will happen in the long run. He was right before: Time is just something we don't have for one another. Soho means too much to him, and I could never compare to his dream job. That isn't to say that there isn't someone else out there for me. Who knows, no? Regardless of what happens, Raoul will always be welcome in my life. He is the father of my children, afterall.