withering away : lantana kayson

[chasing sunday]

<center></center>

I feel so restless. I don't know what to do anymore. My mind is .. is..

<font size="3">//last week I passed out in the library, woke up in the hospital, I had a seizure in the hospital bed and bit my tongue. I have never had a seizure before//</font>

..Maybe I'm just restless. Maybe I'm losing it. Lately I've felt so weak, though. I know I'm sick. Hell, I know I'm tired. But there's something that I'm finding out--I'm sick and tired of being <font size="3">//sick and tired.//</font>

The dog ran away. I searched for two weeks. I searched every single dog pound, animal rescue, newspaper add and turned up nothing. I have left posts and posters, adds in newspapers and I have heard nothing.

I want to sing again.

I want to live longer than seven years.

I want to be like a cat.

I want nine lives.

And tonight, I want a good thrill--the kind that leaves explosions in your eyes and your blood pumping to the point you feel as if you'll pass out or explode.

I want, I want, I want.

<center><font size="3">I want it all.</font></center>

<font color="#FFCC00" size="1">[ June 11, 2005 01:57 PM: Message edited by: sunday phantom ]</font>

[chasing sunday]

<center>Step out the front door like a ghost
into the fog where no one notices
the contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you
the angels get a better view
of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.
I walk in the air between the rain
through myself and back again
Where? I don't know
[counting crows]</center>

To her, there's nothing more beautiful than the feel of static from a storm brewing high within the atmosphere.

To her, there's nothing more refreshing than raindrops splashing on her tongue, sticking her hair against her cheeks.

To her, the most beautiful sound in the world is the distant rumble of thunder; like a man's deep laugh or a low and slow drum beat.

To her, the best feeling is love.

To her, true love only comes once in a lifetime.

To her, love should last a lifetime.

To her, death is something that shouldn't be feared.

To her, death is a continuation of life itself.

To her, there is a such thing as soul mates.

To her, she fully believes that she has found her soul mate.

To her, the best dreams are the simple kind--the american dream with a steady job, a loving family that includes 2.5 kids and a white house with a white picket fence and the best lawn in the neighborhood, even if the whole idea isn't possible for her. But some dreams are only that; things to keep up hope even though you know you'll never reach them.

To her, life is a dream.

[chasing sunday]

Beautiful feather hovering overground
We're similar
We're both being pushed by the wind
Through the air
To wherever
Haven't I seen you before?
Haven't you been here before?
As we both sit here together
Whatever

As the wind blows...

It's so supernatural, it's so supernatural
Let it fly

Wonderful words lying in the grass
We're similar
We're both getting cut off again
Together
Whatever
As we both sway...

It's so supernatural, it's so supernatural
Let it fly

We must stop meeting this way
We've both been living o.k.
'Cuz we fell so far from this tree again

And the sun is my best friend
And the earth opened up to me
We've been seperate for so long
So long...

It's so supernatural
Now everything's beautiful

We fell far from this tree
For so long
We crawled out of this stream
For so long
What's become of you?
What's become of me?
It's ok, It's ok
It's part of everything

It's natural
It's part of everything
[supernatural/splender]

-------------------------------------


Wilting, withering, falling at the speed of light, right into a downward spiral. Lantana found herself back at square one; a lost, sick-slim pathetic nothing of a woman who could do nothing better than dig herself a deeper hole.

This time, she didn't think she'd ever climb out of it.

She began viewing the world through apathetic eyes, speaking only when absolutely necessary and tending to shy away from the public all together.

There was no telling what had taken her on such a drastic spin; what had pulled her back into what she was before--the very thing that was so hard for her to break free from.

But it began three days ago.

Without a single word, without a single form of notice, she left the apartment. What started as a stroll ended with miles left between herself and the man who had been her savior. She didn't have a compass, but knew she was heading west only for the fact that she was following the setting sun until it had vanished completely under the skin of the horizon.

When night fell, it was nothing but her and quiet country side. The only sound was the occasional call of a random animal, the chirp of crickets, or the howl of a wolf. The wheat field stretched for what seemed like eternity under the blanket of stars and shallow light of the moon. There were few trees and only one house that seemed to have been abandoned ages ago; windows were boarded up along with the door that threatened to fall completely from the rusted hinges.

Lantana was most certainly lost.

And she suddenly began to wonder:

Did she really want to be found?

[chasing sunday]

<center>Hello, again.
It seems like forever between now and then.
You look the same.
I mean, you look different but you haven't changed.</center>

Just when she'd given up. Just when she was sure that she'd never see him again, he shows up. Out of the blue, out of nowhere, like her own personal savior. Jake Ives had (somewhat) breezed back into her life.

It is so funny and so strange how time can slip in reverse without you even knowing it, when you thought such a thing impossible it slams into your face to prove you wrong. She, an older version of herself, wrapped up in shivering skin that wrapped over frail bone. And he, far too stoic, a stone wall of a man with emotions never showing, or never felt. Lantana could never figure out which.

It was a dream. It was a nightmare. Everything that had been seemed as if it never, ever existed. Somewhere, within their flat conversation and long moments of silence, her heart cracked and inside she was torn to pieces.

They had so much to talk about, a lot to catch up on, but Lantana vaguely wondered if that would even happen. She wondered if their encounters would be by chance and the only words crossed were the usual greetings, the usual offer of a drink, then, the usual farewells.

She didn't tell him about the new blood flowing through her veins, only for the fact that she didn't quite know about it herself--though others did know. And no doubt, they knew of the trials that lay ahead of her with such an addiction.

They were both back to what they once were. Would they ever go back to what they once held?


<center>It's like the first time I saw you, you do me that way.
What should I say?
I see you here standing, when I am afraid I might get in the way.

I never thought I would see you again, how have you been?
Do you remember, I mean everything?
You steal me away.
Like the first time I saw you; you do me that way
What can I say?
I see you standing, when I am afraid I might get in your way
[dmb/stolen away on 55th and 3rd]</center>

[chasing sunday]

<center>

You're the sudden splash of color in a colorless world</center>

It was a note, left in a pretty scribble of her hand writing taped along Jake's door. She wanted to knock, to see if he was home but she was much, much too frightened.

It'd been a long while since they'd seen each other. She didn't leave her name, but wondered if he would know who the letter was from. He'd said that to her once. That memory, along with others, were haunting her dreams at night--when she could sleep, at least.

She stepped back, cast a look up to the building with a long sigh. Then, as silent as night, Lantana simply walked away.

[chasing sunday]

All that time I was searching, nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
Ooh you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go through me,
But I don't know why.

Ooh I know you're going, but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving,
It's like we never knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go through me

It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life
Just caring bout somebody else.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

You know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep...

--Genesis, "In Too Deep"

[chasing sunday]

The appointment went as well as expected when involving a girl far too skittish and frightened when it came to anyone within the medical field.

There were hesitations. There were a lot of hesitations. It was like dealing with a child, rather than a full grown woman. She certainly wore patience thin, and it probably included Jake who was stuck in the waiting room for what seemed like time that'd never end.

It was as if she knew the outcome well before the doctor spilled the diagnosis. She reacted with a blank expression, a mindless shrug while she listened, half-understanding what spilled from the doctor's mouth. He expected something more, and seemed surprised by her apathetic response.

Her prescription looked like a grocery list for a pharmacy, and she stared at it once it was handed over, arching her eyebrow high and internally making a face of disgust.

In the end, she seemed more bothered by the side of Jake she'd never get used to. So emotionless. She tried to match that, and so far she'd been successful.

Like it used to be, in the beginning, and while she acted out a role that she hated, she wondered who'd crack first--or if anyone would crack at all, this time.