Fixed and Consequent

[Desdenova]

Thorn lost her grandmother. I guess she was the only one of Thorns family that she loved, that she found value in, that found value in her. She had kind of a wake, I guess, for her grandmother at the tavern. I walked up, and it was a disaster.

These two... All I can say of them is that they?re about the epitome of the stupidest things ever come up with around here. Super fags who are so stylized, they could have come from the cheapest Japanese illustrated porn ever made.

Nine and Dezzy or something, and evidently, we?re all supposed to be afraid of these idiots. That?s like saying we?re supposed to be afraid of a splatter of pink glitter paint on the wall. That?s about all the impact either of them have.

Simply to prove he was bad ass and tough, one of them kicked over the tables Thorn had set up and taken one apparantly to make a fort. Oh, my, was I ever frightened.

I knew it was going to mean a seizure, but I couldn?t stand to see Thorns effort to celebrate her grandmother turned into a childish temper tantrum by superfags that Ace booted out of his Fuck Me Fuck You bar.

Spirits, speaking of Ace. He was so upset that Fae finally dumped him that he actually was bugging her phone and the places she went. This despite the fact he had a new wife. Creepy just doesn?t begin to describe it.

But anyhow, I ran the tables backwards, and suggested that dipwad go home if he was having such issues over his personal space. Again, I?m supposed to be afraid of this loser. I half hoped the little poser would make a move, hell, in for a calf, in for a cow. I ran the tables backwards, why not run those two forward? Until they crumble like the waste of space they are.

Sometimes, I wonder why I hold on to what I have. To this facade of decency, of calm, of honest and good hearted kindness. I?m not. Waste of space isn?t worth preserving. Why should I walk away, ignore it, let someone I care for ask me to let it be?

But I do. I do, and it?s always to their detriment. These two clowns will hurt someone that tries to care for them without thought or care in the world. And start whining when someone goes to take proper Vegeance.

They don?t like Thorn, they don?t like anyone, they?re pigs. Why do I have to hold back my hand, they don?t hold theirs back. Of course, they can?t do nearly the amount of damage they believe they can.

They haven?t got the balls for it.

[Desdenova]

I had to ask myself again, what holds back my hand? Is it my faith in the Spirits Who Never Sleep? They aren?t so compassionate. The stong shall survive, that which is worth preserving shall survive, mercy is a man made artifact.

Mercy is not mine, it never was. Mercy is a chimera that is so beautiful, it blinds you, and so hideous, it kills you with a scorpions stinger that tears out your heart. Compassion, it is nearly as bad.

Empathy. I can empathise.

I feel so much how alien I am lately. How much in truth I am a monster, however beautiful. Like Mercy. So beautiful, so hellish.

I guess I?ve been with my aunt too much. At her theater. I?ve been filling in for her Faust, it?s fun. It makes me think too much.

I?d rather play Mephisto, but the man playing him is too good for me to even whine about it. The girl playing Margaret is a riot, and when she sings, even my aunt stops and listens. I?ve been thrown into a company of utter perfection, and I feel the part when I sing it.

That kind of scares me. There are times when I wonder, is the search for perfection, knowledge, love, all of that, worth the risk taken to the soul? Sure, Mephisto is thrown down in the end, love triumphs, of course, but ...

I?ll be glad when the usual guy is back, but I guess he?s madder than hell, they told me I?m better than him, but I don?t have his voice. I?m not a tenor. I want Cam to come and sing for my aunt, but she?s already seen Cam perform, and says she?ll blind for her brilliance.

Blind for her brilliance. It was a strange thing to say, but it fits. Cam says she?s going to peek in and see how I do, and I said I wasn?t going to wear the red suit she was looking at for nothing, and she said I would if I didn?t want her spying on the rehearsals.

...I guess I can live with a red suit once. But I know that won?t keep her from just happening to decide to come pick me up before the rehearsals are ended.

Then -- Oh, Spirits. I came to the tavern and there was Jake and Lantana. It was so ...bizarre. She was one moment so into him, I thought they?d been together a long while. But he was asking her to go out, and ... that was the first time he had.

Then she said ?no?, and ran off.

It was... bizarre, to say the least.

Lantana told me what was wrong with her. That she had been a while ago kidnapped by Lasombra or something, vampires, and they?d been experimenting on her blood, then there was a fire and she escaped, but one of the vampires kept following her. Obviously, a blood bond.

So I told her, basically, her best bet was a bone marrow transfer. She didn?t seem to like that, as if it was too mundane and boring. If that?s what she thinks, she?s never seen someone go through one. They?re sheer hell.

Eliza showed up, I guess she and ...I don?t remember his name now, but I guess they?d broken up for good and all. He showed up a few times, I remember telling her that it would be good to at least work out why it didn?t work out, then maybe it wouldn?t happen again.

And if pigs flew, who?d need dragons?

She has a new business, she said, which really made me uneasy. She makes all sorts of love type potions and sells them. Passion inducing things, she said.

Cruelty and evil, and she doesn?t seem to realize it. How evil those things are. Typical.

[Desdenova]

Spirits, I can?t believe it. Eliza decided that Jake was cheating on Lantana by seeing Reva, and Eliza poisoned him with an aphrodesiac. I cannot believe it. It was the filthiest thing I?ve ever seen.

The hardest part is realizing that I just am not all that surprised that she was capable of doing something like that.

How she can rape someone like that, yet she can?t defend herself from someone she professes to love beating her, I don?t know. It?s sick. Sick.

Reva laughed about it, I guess before she realized just how vile it was. I don?t know. That kind of freaked me out. It freaked me out a lot, really. A lot. I just suddenly told her -- everything. Everything.

I don?t know, I realized as I said everything, she?s one of the ditzes, I mean, she was living with that guy Deacon and loved him and all and then he left, but I guess I expected that she?d get the thousand mile stare and saccarine smile of ?oh, you can?t have sex, well, nice meeting you, see you?, but... she didn?t. She just kind of smiled and said ?maybe you haven?t me the right girl?, and...

Well, it doesn?t have anything to do with that. I don?t know. It?s impossible to explain when I don?t really have any reference points.

[Desdenova]

All over again. It?s just Aurora all over again. I don?t know why I?m willing to go along with it. I can see everything that shouldn?t be just hovering there. I don?t know why I agreed.

I don?t know why. I said everything, I know she doesn?t believe it. It?s all just empty words and challenges and oh, if only I?d find the right girl.

The right girl for what? To kiss? It?s not that. It doesn?t matter what I say. I don?t know why I say it.

Pretty pretty I feel like Eric looking through the shadows and there?s something beautiful and I know very well I can?t have it, and I?m too stupid to realize it?s not my own lacking, it?s that the pretty thing believes itself to be perfection.

It will take, it will not give, it will destroy.

It?s my last afternoon covering for Faust. I?m not sure that?s good or bad. The show starts next week. I?ve totally missed the point, I think.

Oh, well. It?s a tragedy, what do I expect?

[Desdenova]

Once upon a time, demons, devils, were creatures in service to the beings of good. Lucifer branched out from Heavens choir to provide dimension to his Gods ways, because there is no way to see good without evil.

Which isn?t exactly true, but close enough.

When one religious way overtook another, the gods of the defeated became demons of the winner; everything that leaked out when it shouldn?t have got named or renamed.

Then of course, the entire point was missed, and wearing a lot of black and being a bitch equalled evil. Devils and demons are no longer stern and just beings of the balance, as necessary to the moral maturity of soul as angels, but angels are a lot of sex crazed morons, too, and... I?m kind of afraid what that says about the people here as a whole.

Which leads me to Valic.

He?s another happy time feel good demon. I mean, yes, in RhyDin, no demon, no angel, no god or being of any power has to be what it is to its mortals, but... Wow. This one rather takes the cake.

I sit between my aunts, they?re opposing ends of the spectrum. In this place, they can be sisters, they can get along, they can be loyal to each other and love one another dearly, as they do. They can do this in any where, actually. I think it?s because they?re intelligent and make a point not to pit against each other.

But, they are also ?lawful?, meaning, they always follow their path as they should. Evil, and Good. They?re as strong as the other.

They have senses of humor. They?ll do things just for a laugh. They?re just not... Stupid. They?re Pure. Unholy and Holy. They match each other and have reason for being.

They aren?t that because it?s cool. So many of the demons and angels are because it?s cool. And they just aren?t. They?re lame.

The real thing that bugs me about him though, is he?s psycho obsessive with bouts of being la la cuddly cute. He has no idea when a joke is no longer funny, he can?t tell when people are fed up, and he doesn?t even try, because most people will just politely accept the stupid and later, shake their heads and ...well, stupid is as stupid does.

It?s kind of sad, I really think he?s trying to mean well, he just doesn?t know where the lines are, and to keep them drawn. I half wish his demon lord would send him back to seminary or something.

[Desdenova]

It?s so hard to keep in mind what seems is not what is. I wonder, so much, why I let myself believe, I know I shouldn?t.

The old man has been walking with me a lot, talking with me. He talks about the weather, about how beautiful the day is, he tells me the chords Aj Ondas, where the daffodils are blooming, and oh, by the way, what you forgot is gathering power unto itself, I do hope you?re keeping that in mind.

I want to wring his neck sometimes. But for whatever reason, he can?t tell me, and I have to respect that. He said I have it written down, and I know that means I have to re-read my journals.

Apparantly, that means he?s read them, too.

He, the old man, he met Alice, and she took to him like a grandfather. We only have one left, alive I mean. He knew she has a magnet implanted in her skull, and right where it is, when she started to have a seizure, he snagged up a steel pen and ran it right over, and well, that breaks hers up before they happen. She doesn?t have them often at all since Dad put in the magnet, I wish it would work for me.

I?m so glad it works for her, though.

She sees things in them, sometimes. She said she saw the old man with wide arms and robes and long hair and laughing and laughing, like everything went right, and he was very pleased.

I had her for a few days, Alice, and we went and stayed overnight with ?fairy godmama? of course. Arlena spoils h... us both, really, horribly, and we went and got Matildes girls for more.

Reva gave Alice all sorts of glitter and seashells, so she made an unholy mess in my office. It was funny. They started announcing I was handsome, too. Well, I know I am, but I try to be more than a pretty face.

I wish I could believe, but it didn?t help when Rick took me aside to tell me Reva?s ex has having a coronary over her seeing ?someone else?. And surprise, he?s another demon.

I should just start taking their union numbers and reporting them.

[Desdenova]

(Sorry folks who have been reading, I've gotten horribly behind and I'll get this un-caught up again as soon as possible. For now...)

I had Alice with me for a few days. Just to see her fairy godmother, of course, and to pick up Matildes girls so they would get to share her. They're so funny. Always all over the place.

They made a horrible mess in my office, too, Reva gave Alice a lot of glitter and sea shells. I don't think I'll ever get all of that out.

I just wonder. I really do. Everything that means much to me...

I'm just paranoid.