Fixed and Consequent

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 84, Eighteen Five

Llyluna showed up again. It?s ...really just... Old. Well, it was old a long time ago. She flies in, knocks people and vehicals spinning, and then waits for something to piss her off. Anything. Everything. Usually Dillon.

He obliged, of course, and though I didn?t leave, I stayed in the woods, on the edge. And watched. Most people just got disgusted and walked over to where I was. Paige, Cam, Zane, Chris, Cianan, I think. Just trying to wait this all out.

She?s developed a new perversion, so to speak. She roars. As loud as she possibly can, preferably aimed at people. After the second one, I couldn?t hear, and I thought my head was going to explode. No one could hear. So much for getting out of the way of the fracas and trying to enjoy the evening. Well, we could have played charades, I suppose.

I don?t understand the attitude at all. I just don?t. It?s not great pride or dignety or anything like that, it?s just sheer... spoiled brat. It?s not like she?s there because she?s loney and wants company in her old age, it?s not like mistrust, it?s... just... mean.

I try to be nice. I really do. I keep hoping that it will occur to her that no one but a few are trying to get at her, and that all you have to be is polite and people will respond. She insists she is polite, but I don?t think she?s bothered to look at what she?s doing. A lot of people have really tried to befriend her and all, but she still just blows like a frog in the microwave at the slightest things, and doesn?t stop to think that there?s other people there.

Well, it was weird that time. I couldn?t hear, but I can read lips and I can use sign language, and some others can, too, but Paiges ears started bleeding. Which scared me. But what really scared me was that she was scared. She was afraid. Not at Llyluna, Llyluna usually just ticks Paige off.

Then there was something, but I couldn?t tell what, pulling at the back of her neck, and I tried to grab for it, but it was gone. It was some sort of a magical attachment, and it was creepy, when I looked for it, there was nothing. Nothing, almost like... a nadir, an entity of nothing. I don?t know, it scared me. All Paige could say was that she?d been at the docks and she?d felt a little funny ever since.

Well, I went home with her and woke Rick up, and it wasn?t like last time, when Jessica asked me to heal Frank.

That really surprised me. That Jessica trusted me that much. But when we were going to see him, someone opened up firing on the tavern, and I got hit in the leg, and Paige in the shoulder.

I did it, though. The spell worked, and I?d never cast it before. He was really bad off, so I knew the little one I use wasn?t going to cut it. I really think the wound helped me focus, like it had at Disneyland, because it forced me to ignore the pain, and just on what I was doing.

I do not want to have to shoot myself in the foot just to learn new castings. Great spirits.

Well, I took Paige back home to Rick, and I couldn?t just say ?Hi, Dad!? and try to run like last time. Anyhow, he?s fast for an old man, he can catch me if I can?t get a little lead time.

He was worried. I don?t like that. It?s scary. When the people who should always have everything in place are afraid or worried... I guess that?s why Mom and Dad tried to hide it from me, or watered it down a lot. If Mom and Dad can?t handle it... who can?

I don?t know. I told Rick what I knew, and I knew I was going to have nightmares no matter what.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 85, Eighteen Five

The last thing you ever want to hear someone say when you get into a truck is ?hang onto your boo boos, folks?. Especially when there?s seatbelts.

Once again, Zeth gathered up a strike team to go back to Disney. Because the technomage or whatever running all that hadn?t been there when we went in, I don?t know. I guess if it?s Disney, there?s going to be a sequel, but spirits!

This time, they met us going in. I just hung on, mainly to Minion and Tyg, and stayed low. I couldn?t quite see what was going on, and I wasn?t sure I wanted to. Tyg said ?Stitch Sinks?, and I was just... Oh great. There was a Herbie charging at the truck, and something sliced off the top of it, and I thought Rick was going to explode.

He threw Oscar, the fae he?s got attached to his truck, at Herbie, and it crashed, and I guess it dunked the Stitch. When we went in, though, we were met by the Country Bears from the Jamboree ride, which I thought was totally unfair, because that ride?s closed.

Then this... skinny little geek -- I know, pot, kettle, but he was. He was playing with one of those old Star Trek ?teleporter? toys, and sent out a lot of thugs in costume at us.

I was able to get a tracking spell on the geek, but the next thing I know, Minion and I were in the old ?Incredible Shrinking Man? ride, or whatever it was called. It looked like it was neat, it?s too bad they closed it.

Before we could figure out what happened (that stupid teleporter toy really worked!), there was a Micheal Jackson and a monkey coming at us. I freaked. It looked like it was from when he was still black and had most of his face, but still.

I just fired at the stupid thing till it stopped moving, and the monkey jumped on Minion, I grabbed it and threw it, and he shot it. I made a lot of the little impact grenades, and used one of those to open a door and get the hell out of there. Ugh. I?m still shuddering.

Well, Rick and Paige caught up with us then, and he was ...wow. Scary. I don?t know where they?d gone, but he had the top of an R2D2 and Paiges BAR. He yells at us and I said ?if we don?t behave, you won?t take us to Disneyland??. Well, Paige laughed, anyhow.

The spell led into the New Orleans Square, and right to the Haunted House. Tess and Tyg caught up with us, then, and Zeth had been in Fantasy Land, I guess. So, we went in. It?s my favorite ride, and since there wasn?t anyone to tell me not to, I jumped up to see the pictures in the elevator get longer.

Except the gargoyles started attacking. And the hanged man. And the entire elevator just... dropped. I fell onto the floor and just ducked all the gun fire.

When we got out and started walking through the halls, it was very odd. Something was happening. Like we went without knowing it from reality into the Umbra or something, and I guess we did. We were inside of one of those Nexus crawlers. A giant spider.

I got everyone to go ahead a bit so I could banish the thing, but I only made a very small hole, so we?d have time to get away before it was banished. So it was kind of a flushing. I didn?t know where else to banish it to, and, well, Jareth did invite me in, so, I banished it there. Maybe he?ll think it?s neat. Well, I?ll apologise next time I see him.

We got out of that, and we were in the grand ballroom. And there was the geek, sitting at the organ. He turned around and just... Great spirits. He started talking about using us as characters in some action show. And said Elijah Wood would play me. ELIJAH WOOD!! He doesn?t even look remotely like me, and he?s creepier than I could ever hope to be, and not in a good way. I just -- UGH!

I don?t even know who killed the little geek, everyone pretty much launched at him at once. Except Rick who just stared and said ?but Sean Connery doesn?t have any hair?.

That wasn?t the end of it, though. I guess the geek body was just a puppet or something. Doubles of ourselves attacked us, but they were cartoony. And whatever we did, they did. I got hit bad that time. I didn?t realize it was going to do whatever I did, and I ran the Tommy gun across mine.

It really scared me, but I got pushed back, just a little. It slowed the bleeding almost to a stop, and I was able to cast another spell to destroy the stupid thing. After that, all I could do was wait for Zeth.

Everything was hazy after that, everything just seemed off kilter. I just wanted to go to sleep and rest. They took me home and put me to bed, I... I don?t know, even now, something just doesn?t seem right.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 86, Eighteen Five

So, I talked to Llyluna one night. What a night. I think it would have been easier if she?d just torn me apart and left me for dead. It feels like that, anyhow.

She?s old, she?s cranky, she?s alone. She?s afraid she?ll die alone and be forgotten. No one cares if she lives or dies and most prefer that she would die.

Kind of a classic case of dying as you have lived. I tried to explain that you don?t have to lower yourself, but you do have to give to recieve. I told her she?d recieved a lot without giving, but I don?t think she believed me.

I know a few meetings would never change a lifetime of strife, but she?s not stupid. It?s more than a few times that she?s seen people delighted to see a dragon. And she changes their minds every time.

Dillon always gets mad and complains ?she?s a RED DRAGON, she?s EVIL?. So are a lot of things, but not all of them burn me. Besides, if you can turn something from evil, isn?t that better than just killing it? I would think that was more a show of the strength of good. That it can corrupt evil as well as evil can corrupt good.

Well, either way, she?s never seemed evil. Just... spoiled.

But, we talked. A long time. It was like talking to Horam when he was wounded. When I knew that he would ... When I knew I would be a disgrace and worse, because I?m disabled. I?d be dead, most likely.

I don?t know. Is it an artificial piece of culture, when it keeps even it?s most disabled members safe, loved, and alive? Perhaps an overwhelming parential instinct that insists on keeping all of their children alive at nearly any cost?

They say that many of our most influential leaders were disabled, and if not cared for well past what the average child needed, many would have died in their youth. So can it be said that it weakens us? Or strengthens? I don?t know. I?ve seen people who were useless simpering little blips on the radar of society emerge as powerful and insightful proponents for this or that cause or research after they?ve been given a disabled or worse child.

Better medical care, that does strengthen the race. But it doesn?t weaken us to add wheelchair ramps or hand holds or braille signs.

It might weaken when an otherwise healthy and strong parent will refuse to leave a disabled child. Or like the one lady who kept having babies even though she knew she was carrying sickle cell anemia. I knew all of the kids, too, and I couldn?t ever regret knowing them. They?re all gone now except the youngest. So far, the bone marrow transplant has held.

I couldn?t ever regret them. Even though they knew they?d be lucky to turn twenty. Though they?ll never be part of society, they are. Always will be. We all knew them, and the ones that lived, their lives touched ours. Made us into what we are.

It was awful knowing how much pain they were in sometimes.

Though what are we? Bad genetic material. I make it sound like we?re nobly running around inspiring the healthy. We?re not that. We?re no angels. ...We?re normal, but... well, nothing outside is normal. Sometimes, not even inside, like the mentally retarded and Downs kids.

Well, maybe they?ll never design a better mouse trap, but... They?re happy, they make their families and friends happy, and... Well, what?s wrong with that? Maybe they?re back to being a blip on the radar of society, it just doesn?t matter if they?re happy.

There was little Skye. Fairy-girl, everyone called her. She was tiny, like a midget, and had duck-fluff hair. Her eyes were far too big for her head, they were out of proportion, and she had a similar syndrome to mine. More like Alice, less constricted, more involuntary movement. Her teeth were all pointed, the front ones, and she never really got molars. Or they kind of crumbled out.

She was very fragile, her bones, they could break at a touch, almost. I don?t remember what they called her disabilities, I guess it doesn?t matter. She also had a form of autism. She didn?t want to be left alone, nor did she have a problem with being held, in fact, she loved that. She just... she didn?t exist here with us much.

She never really spoke, she rarely was able to communicate any of her physical needs or even what was in her head. She was... she was like a flower. A flower in a vase. You knew it wasn?t going to last forever, but you enjoyed it while it was alive.

Her older brother, Ben, he was one of my best friends for a while. He was big, and you knew he was going to be the biggest guy in school, football player, all that. And he was kind. He was a jock, but he wasn?t an ass.

He went through his treatment bam, just like everyone knew he would. I remember sitting in the family room with him and Skye. She barely knew or cared that we were there, and we?d talk for hours, wondering what the world in her head was like. Sometimes, I would look, and I?d tell him what I saw. But it changed. It was always green and growing, but never the same.

We?d talk about how beautiful she?d be when she grew up, but we knew she wouldn?t. He cried once when he was telling me about the crap he was going to put her boyfriends through when they wanted to date her. Just... cried, all the while talking about how he?d grab them and slam them to the wall and say things like ?you know when ten o?clock is, right, punk??.

Skye was Jackies first embalming. It was so perfect. She made a mask, too, we made it into a doll. Ben gave that to his first daughter.

Ben grew up. I sometimes go and see them, they?re all so healthy and happy that his wife once called me in tears because the second daughter got a bad ear infection, and please do something. I didn?t laugh, even though I knew how much worse things could be, and even how much worse it was for Ben. I begged Moms fixer from her and she understood.

It would be so nice if it was ever just ear infections.

I don?t know why I?m dwelling on all this. I talked to Llyluna and it just opened up everything. How I can be worth anything when I?m not perfect. How someone perfect can be worth anything when they don?t feel.

It just tore me up. So much. I didn?t want to let her see that. Not because I didn?t want to hurt her, or because I didn?t think she needed to know, but because I didn?t think she?d care. I don?t think she does, really.

I think Jhael found me and took me back home. She?s drow, or half. She just pretended she didn?t see the state I was in. She said she had brothers, and they all eat pride for br

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 87, Eighteen Five

I thought I?d be so thrilled the first time I went more than a few days without having a seizure, a week, two, but it scared me. I don?t know why. I guess, horrible as it sounds, it?s familiar.

I?d be someone else, I think. All these doors would open. Everything would be different and it was so overwhelming to think...

Except it just felt wrong. Like I was still stuck a little out, and... I guess I was, I can?t remember drawing back in after I was shot, I ... I must not have. And sometimes, they screw up my medications, and they had, one of them, anyhow, and I was really... I was afraid.

I knew it would be really bad when it did come.

It was. Really

Nathanial and Jhael were with me, I was at home.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 88, Eighteen Five

Meeting Auroras? parents could have gone better. I suppose it could have gone worse, but only if I?d seized while I was there. It was so easy introducing her to my mom and dad. Just... Walk in and say, ?this is Aurora?.

Mom smiled and said hello, dinner will be on in a bit, why don?t you go listen to the radio with Des?s Dad? So we went into the livingroom and sat with Dad and Alice. They were listening to ?Inner Sanctum?. We had dinner, we talked about mainly our respective jobs, and Alices? school, of course. Then Alice played harp a bit for us, Dad played violin, and then we left.

Mom said Aurora seems like a nice girl, Dad kind of laughed and said the gigglers will get you every time.

Aurora?s parents, though. Great spirits. I know that my parents probably have more money than they, but it?s not really a big deal to mine. It is to hers. A very big deal.

The butler looked me over like he?d scraped me off the bottom of his shoe. Then he said that he was sorry, but madam and sir were not interested in buying anything I might be selling. When I said I Aurora had invited me, he snorted ?surely not? but at least went and asked.

A two hour trip on the bus for that, and another half an hour at least walking. I know she told them she?d asked me to come and meet them. I should have left then. Finally, he lets me in, only to announce that pets are not acceptable in the house. So I know she told them, because Bea was in her case. I said I?m sorry, she?s a service dog, she?s very small, and I won?t take her out.

That?s such a mark of forced gentility. When your servants run your house to their liking, but I got the feeling he was given full blessings to be an asshole to me. And he makes me wait in the foyer again.

Finally, he takes me to a downstairs parlor, or should I say, their shrine to Aurora. It was the creepiest thing I?d ever seen. Photographs, paintings, awards, certificates, everything that she?d ever done was memorialized in there. I mean, it was neat seeing what she?d done and all, but...

Mr. Beemis was waiting in there for me, and I thought the butler looked at me like I was something disgusting. He gave me Auroras? life story, how intelligent she is, how much potential she has, her social position, her achievements and aspirations. Kind of like he was preaching gospel, in fact.

Then he gives me this glare and says ?Anyone who comes into contact with Aurora is of course bettered, but it will not be tolerated if her betterment is to her detriment.? Fancy way of saying ?you have good taste, loser, but you?re out of your league?.

Finally, Aurora and her mother come in. Aurora was glad to see me, just as she always is, but her mother... If looks could kill, all that would be left of me would fit in a Zip-Lock freezer baggie.

?I thought we were entertaining Brandon, dear, who is this?? her mother announces, and I could tell Aurora was embarrassed, and I know she?d told them, but... well. All her mother has to say to me after Aurora reminds her that she?s not seeing Brandon anymore, and Desdenova is her friend is ?my dear, I?m sure he?s nice, but he certainly is not Brandon.?

I really wanted to leave then, but I didn?t want to run out on Aurora. I just smiled now and then and pretended I didn?t notice. They didn?t invite me to sit, had tea brought in, but didn?t offer me a cup. Even though Aurora did, I just ... They don?t want me there, they don?t want to offer hospitality, I?m not going to take it.

So I stood there for about another hour while they detailed Auroras? relationship with Brandon. Brandon?s father is a Judge, his mother is CEO of a chain of exclusive hotels. Brandon?s going to college to become a business lawyer.

Brandon and Aurora started dating when they were sixteen, and they share every interest, they expected an engagement when Aurora came back from a tour of Europe with her duenna, but Aurora recieved a prestigious invitation to the college where her uncle and aunt work at the last moment, and it was wiser to hold off on such things.

Brandon?s a football player, he was offered the chance to go pro by his sophomore year, but of course, though he still plays in college, it is his intention to join his mother in her business.

Brandon has always been like a son to them.

I think that burned me the most.

I never would be.

Then they announced that they had to get ready for dinner, Brandon would be joining they and Aurora, and Aurora started to protest because she?d invited me to dinner, and here they were not only dismissing me, but had invited someone else in my place, but I just shook my head and told her it was all right, I should get home anyhow.

I just wanted out of there. I don?t know why I stood there and took all that for as long as I did. Well, for Auroras? sake. I could have slapped them down for their poor manners, but really -- why? Quietly accepting would prove I was a loser, protesting or stomping out would prove I was a boorish pig.

I have my dignety. They couldn?t take that. I just thanked them for a nice afternoon and left. I could see tears in Auroras? eyes, but there wasn?t anything I could do.

But... She caught up with me. She drove me home. Aurora did. She only said ?if I say anything, I?ll start crying and I won?t be able to drive?. So I didn?t say anything.

I told her she should go back. Mainly because I could see them calling the police because their daughter disappeared with some transient sort right before having dinner with her almost-fiance. But also because they are her parents, after all, and she loves them dearly.

I don?t know. It... just gives me a lot of pause. They really don?t want me around. I?m completely objectionable to them. Just by breathing. Aurora just said they?re still mad that she decided to change colleges, and they don?t really like Brandon all that much, they were just really irked that she?d found friends away from where they lived, and they?d treated her new sorority sisters just the same.

I don?t know. I don?t know them. I see their pictures in the papers sometimes, they?re politicians and social lion sorts. Meaning only people they all ready know or who are somehow famous in an approved manner will ever be able to associate with them.

Well, Aurora went back home. She called me once she got there, too. Brandon wasn?t coming after all, which she thought was hilarious, I guess it was. He called at the last moment and said ?sorry, the guys on the team want to go to the pub, so I?ll take a rain check.? Her parents were furious.

If that?s their idea of a son, I suppose the world should be glad they didn?t have one. I mean, they raised Aurora, they can?t be all bad. Just really overprotective.

I don?t know. They don?t like me or want me around Aurora. I shouldn?t be around her, then. I know they don?t know me, but... they don?t want to know me, either.

I know most of my family will be very angry if I told Aurora I couldn?t see her anymore because of that, and it?s not fair to her, either. I just don?t know what to do. If I knew what it was I was doing or not doing that antagonized them so, I would try to right that, but the only thing I?m really doing that?s objectionable is... being Desdenova, not Brandon.

I wonder, though. If I?d been like him. If they still would have protested. Another GQ uberrich athletic going into a high profile business profession that was all ready in the family. Another upper class drone. Never good at anything except in the social sense, never able to strike out on my own, never able to be my own.

It seems like that?s a worse handicap than I could ever have. Never shining. Never feeling. Never... nothing. And what?s terrifying is they don?t know they?re handicapped like that. They don?t know until something happens to kick all the supports out from under them, and then they?re utterly at sea.

Sometimes, people tell me not to dwell so much on my disabilities. Or not at all. But pretending they weren?t there is what kept me at home for so long. It was only when I sat down and worked out ways to deal with them, in private, alone, and in public, in the workplace, everywhere, that Mom and Dad let me go.

If I didn?t know how to deal with that, if I wasn?t constantly alert, constantly asking myself ?if I seize now, what??, I wouldn?t want to be away from Mom and Dad, either. It?d be too dangerous.

I don?t know. It?s just really difficult for me to realize that her parents don?t think well of me at all, and I suspect that the more they know, they less they will like.

[Desdenova]

[Interlude - Summer Night]

Daylight surrendered to the twilight songs of the phoenix. At least, Charlie believed it was so. That the rapturous song she gave to the setting sun brought the night in its slow graduations of summer.

A long and hot day, it had been. The green house, he had to shade before the plants within started to cook. Getting the blinds up had been backbreaking, exhausting work under the summer sun, and even though he had worn a long sleeved T-shirt and hat, he felt as if he?d been sunburnt to a crisp.

But, the fair white skin showed only the pinkish glow of life. Perhaps a tinging of red on his throat and hands. Vain, the youth could be, he stood before the full length dressing mirror in his bedroom, nude, to paranoically inspect for any signs of sunburn.

Giving his reflection a wrinkle of nose, humorous recognition of his own vanity, and he turned from the mirror to take up a towel, his robe, and stepped downstairs.

Still too hot, and humid, even as the sun sunk lower; Desdenova padded through the tombstones to the pond, lifting his head, then his voice, amused, to join in a stanza or two of Charlies? night song. The phoenix swooped and dove through the still air, she enjoyed the weather, to be sure.

Tossing out his towel to the grassy bank, the robe beside it, Desdenova walked to the waters edge. A smile flickered at his lips, his head tilted, a slow stretch worked from his heels upwards, arms raised to loosely lock and fold over his head.

Caught in some daydream or another, the youth simply poised there at the waters edge, the usual still of his features taking on a gentled aura. In his eyes, mainly, dark and lightless as they were.

A pair of spheres plipped from the waters surface, energetic light in the fade of day, purple and gold. Those hovered a moment before playfully spiralling around Desdenova, joined in a swoop when Charlie buzzed by. Shaken from his thoughts, the youth laughed and swatted at the whisps.

?Oh, stop, I?m just thinking,? he murmured, a somewhat sheepish insistance, because Ogopini and Gus knew well enough that his thinking usually turned towards the last he?d seen Aurora. Silly, innocent thoughts they were, as simple as a childs? realizing that one person outside of family made them happy. It was a lot, for him.

A single, fluid movement of dive. Sheer elegance, powerful, as if Desdenova truly had no business at all on dry land, and forever was waiting for the chance to return to water. Little splash and ripple to mark his passing, the pond was deep and wide. Immediately after him, Ogopini and Gus followed with even less disturbance, though under the water, their gleaming light was eerily vivid as koi sporting about after feeding.

Blessedly cool water, it revived as he swam, lazily through the reeds for a moment before shooting swiftly into the open, tagging at the whisps and darting away. A strange aquatic game of hide ?n? seek that set the ponds? surface rippling. Occassionally, Desdenova or the whisps would break the surface, apparantly for air, or to escape pursuit, though it wasn?t often.

Soon enough, as couples will, Ogopini and Gus flittered off to be alone. That was fine with Desdenova, rolling to float upwards, and sprawled back, chest arched and arms outspread, simply lazed in the water, watching the moon rise through the last hues of twilight.

Catching himself starting to doze, Desdenova moved, rolling slowly in the water to swim for shore. Almost ungainly as he clambered from the water, but he didn?t care, simply dropping to his knees, then his hip and side on the towel and stretching out once more.

Moon-tanning, his mother jokingly referred to it as, and the youth had a fine one, indeed. His head fell back, his eyes closed. Falling into sleep there as he often did over the course of the summer.

The bizarre, almost terrifying gasping gurgling and tension abruptly wracking the sleeping form brought Ogopini and Gus promptly to hover over Desdenova. A seizure, one of the easier ones to deal with -- not enough to awaken him, he simply moved aimlessly as if trying to run, and finally, fell into a profound sleep.

Ogopini moved in closer, brushing against the astronomers cheek, as if giving a fond kiss. Checking to assure herself he was all right before spinning upwards to join Gus once more.

The whisps flickered away to their own business once more, though clearly, they would be quick to reappear if Desdenova was disturbed. After a seizure, however, when he did fall asleep, it was difficult to awaken him.

There was a lot learned of his condition in the months Aurora had known Desdenova. From what he told her, her aunt and uncle, her own observations. It was rare that a seizure was powerful enough to exhaust him into sleep, and even so, he had a handful of odd little guardians to watch over him.

Rarely alone. Even now, the whisps weren?t far away. They wouldn?t go far from their pond, she knew. Though Desdenova considered them neighbors, they were quick to watch for him. The ghosts often paid her no attention, usually, she couldn?t see them at all. They would summon help, if needed, too. The phoenix seemed to have retired to the barn. Bea hadn?t followed her boy out, nor had Teddy or Flinx. The bogle, shadow, and dog likely were taking a break, watching television, it seemed. The generator was running.

Aurora learned all that. Because otherwise, Desdenova wasn?t alone. He had said she could ask for that, but when she had, he had been so uneasy of it. He wasn?t used to it, much as he spoke so wistfully of being so.

Quietly, cautious indeed, Aurora stepped from the concealment of an overgrown hedge near a tombstone. Her eyes wide as she stared at the sleeping youth, entranced.

Beautiful. Slender without promise of filling out some day, pale as fine marble in the moonlight. Muscle defined itself clearly, etched under the youths? skin without the deception of clothing, or even his own ways. Murmuring reverent appreciation under her breath, Aurora slowly sank to her knees beside Desdenova.

Auroras? hands lifted, and she paused, once more, giving an intent look around, over the grounds and to the house. All was still. She reached out to carefully glide her hands down the youths? throat, his chest, her gaze steady on her hands.

Smooth, supple, everything she had fancied. Aurora chewed her lower lip, then bit into it, settling back on her heels. Those gentle touches didn?t so much as disturb Desdenovas? breathing.

Bolder passes of her hands ran over the youths body, careful exploration, Aurora stared glassily. Desdenova hadn?t lied, even so vulnerable, he didn?t react to the sensual touches, but that didn?t matter at the moment. That was just touch.

Slowly, Aurora leaned over, dragging golden hair over Desdenovas? bare skin, drawing her lips from the hollow of his upper chest upwards.

?What are you doing??

The voice, female, was hardly strident, quite the opposite, it was quiet and gentle, confused; yet Aurora nearly came out of her skin. Anna tilted her head, a demure vision, almost solid in the night.

Aurora gaped at the spirit, her face scarlet, and scrambled quickly for the proper pre-considered reasoning. It was Anna, after all, a girl from an earlier age, an innocent who had died so and never learned more than that.

?Oh uh uh oh, he had a seizure, I was making sure he was breathing all right,? Aurora explained with a bright, guiless smile.

?At his throat...?? Anna responded doubtfully. The living had become strange things to the girl-ghost. Though she remembered that she could see the life force of the living, and most living could not, they were still very odd sometimes.

?Well, and his pulse.?

?With your mouth?? Anna demanded, her lashes fluttering. Aurora rolled her eyes and simply smiled sheepishly, inviting amusement at her own failings.

?Well, yes, my hands were shaking, so... I know, it?s silly.?

?Oh. He?s all right. He?s sleeping. He?s all blue and green and not scrambled at all. Are you sure he had a seizure?? Anna inquired, gliding closer and peering down at Desdenova with a warming smile. She remembered sleeping like that.

?I think so. I just stopped by to drop off some files for him, and I guess he?d been swimming,? Aurora responded, doubtfully, however. Damn the ghost, she hadn?t realized that Anna would be able to see spectral evidence of his siezures. Well, she knew now. She?d have to work around that.

?Oh. Well, he?s all right. If he had one, he won?t wake for a while yet,? Anna smiled brightly, settling with a flumph beside the youth. After a moment, she began tugging at the robe, though it seemed to flutter over and around him on its own.

?True. Oh. Well, I?d hoped to talk with him a bit, but I suppose I?ll just go home and get some sleep. I?ll come back tomorrow,? Aurora decided with a little pout. She leaned over, smoothing Desdenovas? hair from his brow, then kissing it sweetly. Quickly wiping as if to rub in lip gloss, she giggled conspiritorily to Anna.

?Don?t tell him I did that, he?ll be so embarrassed.?

Anna giggled in response, and agreed, but, when she realized that Aurora had walked quite a ways before the engine of the Opel started, she frowned. She wouldn?t have to tell Desdenova that Aurora had kissed his brow, he would be able to scent her over his...

Skin.

?Why didn?t she cov...?? Anna whispered to herself, her brow knitting. Instants later, she raised her voice, calling for Teddy.

Teddy hissed, cattish ears lain back, with Annas? tale given. It could be nothing, it could be bad. Anna was not blessed with a dirty mind and healthy paranoia, part of why she had been murdered as she was. But it didn?t matter, really, Desdenova had a horrible crush on Aurora, and this would, innocent or not, devistate him.

From a cat sized creature to one pushing ten feet, hairy and monstrous, Teddy oozed from one form to another and carefully lifted the sleeping youth in powerful talons and arms.

?No one leaves him alone unless he specifically asks again. Charlie, bitchslap that willow into telling us when someone?s around the cemetary,? Teddy rasped at the small group. Charlie chirrupped and promptly flew to toast the willow into paying attention, at the least. Bea and Flinx followed the bogle back into the house.

Teddy simply bathed the youth and put him into bed. It was a bitch sometimes that Desdenovas? sense of smell was so keen.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 89, Eighteen Five

Thorn showed up, a little after Shadow left, I think, and she just seemed kind of quiet and retiring. She?d talk with Simon and another man, Baziou or something, who it really seemed like she had a big crush on, but he wasn?t paying attention to it.

I know how that goes, though. I mean, I?ve seen so many with crushes on me, but they?re just not what I see as... I don?t know when I started thinking that way. Maybe after I met Aurora. See as a girlfriend. Not a friend or sister.

I try not to be mean about it, but sometimes, it?s just really aggravating. I hope I?ve never been that aggravating to anyone that I liked. But I just won?t demand what isn?t given. That?s wrong.

Well, anyhow, Thorn likes to lay on this pile of cushions she?s collected onto the porch. I guess she was kind of living there after finding her way there. She was talking about monsters, and I told her there were a lot around. I mean, I am. No matter how pretty or well mannered.

Someone, I?m not sure, but they reminded me of a story one of my aunts tells about a thing that lives in the sewer, this coelescence of evil that looks for all the world a sock puppet.

So, I started telling Thorn about the sock monster. I wasn?t feeling well, and I was banged up, so I was kind of in the shadows, and doing all I could to look creepy and mysterious.

She just stared and stared. And kept pulling herself so she didn?t have anything touching the floor. Baziou started in, and well, made one of the shadows on the wall look like a big, fanged sock puppet monster.

Thorn came out of her hide, out of her pillows, clean up into the air and onto a table, screaming her head off. I laughed, I had to, it was hysterical. She finally realized we were teasing and read us the riot act, but she wasn?t really mad. Like telling scary stories around the camp fire and your dad comes running back from the car wearing a mask and carrying a chain saw and screaming ?It?s dinner time!?.

Well, maybe that?s just my dad. But it?s pretty funny anyhow.

I didn?t want her to think there were any hard feelings, so I spent some time the next day at lunch making sock monsters. They?re little three legged stuffed toys, they?re kind of primitive looking, I just used socks and stuff I found in the company lost and found.

They?re three legged and steal one sock from every pair in the drier, and are stuffed with the lint of their kills. Well, not really, it?s just that craft shop stuffed animal stuffing... stuff.

Matilde laughed at me, sitting there, hand stitching all these odd bits and peices together, and reminded me that the sewing machine was invented back around the beginning of the twentieth century. I showed it to her and said she was welcome to sew it up on a machine, I couldn?t figure how to do all the turns and such.

So, she did. And in ten seconds flat. She sucks, I swear. So, I finished them and she sewed them up. We made a lot of them before I figured a way to get my toymakers spell to vary the materials and patterns.

I gave one to Thorn, and she laughed, but she really liked it a lot. Everyone did, really. I guess they are cute in a horrible way. Matilde laughed and said we should sell them in the shop, and well, maybe later, because I made them to be gifts. Maybe when I?m out of the ones we made by hand.

I don?t know why that makes them more special, but it does. Though you really can?t tell the difference between the ones we made and the ones from the spell.

They made a lot of people smile and laugh.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 90, Eighteen Five

Cam and Zane meeting Aurora = Disaster.

Aurora wanted so much not to offend, and I know they were waiting for someone completely airheaded. I guess that's my fault, but I don't know what I said to make them think that.

She's not. I can't do anything or say anything to show them differently. I don't know if there's anything Aurora can do. I'm just afraid they'll say they don't want me seeing her, and... I... I don't know what I'll do.

They know better than I do. But I see Aurora, and... It feels good. I mean, I'm not planning on marrying her. I don't want t

What's so bad ab

I don't know. I

I don't even know what Aurora would see in someone like me anyhow, it doesn't matter

[Desdenova]

Journal entry 91, Eighteen five

I had a very strange afternoon. Very... Very strange. Auroras parents requested to meet me. At this exclusive little tea house. I got the message at work. They had their butler come down to the Four Winds and give me the note.

Matilde was there. She took the note and read it while informing him of why his ettiquette and that of his employers was utterly bourgiesie, and she wasn?t sure she should allow her prodigy to be in the company of such boorishness. She can do that high class Victorian Lady thing better than my Mom.

There?s nothing quite like being morally bitch slapped by a wicked witch.

Matilde drove me. I begged her to please just go home, I?d get a cab, I?d walk, I?d call Rick or Sin or Horz?t, but she just wasn?t having it. She promised she?d just wait in the car while I went in. Meaning if I was the slightest bit upset when I walked out, she?d probably probably turn every person in the tea house but them into starving crocodiles.

So, I went in. This time, they were a lot more courteous. A lot more. I didn?t really say anything, just asked for mint tea. The waiter brought me that, a towel to put Bea on, a bowl of water, and a couple of plain biscotti for her, which really shocked me. But, since they were making the effort, I put her on the table on the towel.

Mrs. Geemis announces that Round Table Kennels produces the finest of Maltese dogs, and I agreed, but I was really unnerved. I know I told Aurora where I got Bea, but I had no idea why that mattered.

They looked Beas? pedigree up. And found out how much I paid for her. That she was a show quality dog and not pet quality, and even so, their pet quality dogs are still pretty expensive. I didn?t get her because of that, or even because of her value. I got her because I saw her and fell in love.

It got weirder. They had tracked down every bit of my history that I made public to get the job at the observatory and the Four Winds. My parents, my sisters, my school, medical... Everything that there was to find, they found.

They were suddenly much more cordial after finding out my parents are authentically old wealth. That I was a child prodigy and had already completed a four year degree in science, and had gone to very exclusive schools to do so. Father?s a surgeon, but only accepts certain cases. Mother?s a research specialist. Jackie an award winning mortician and occassional fashion model.

I had many of the ?right? friends. The Halliburtons, Cam, the D?Kamors, Lola, Debbi and Brent, Dame Arlene... They?re all the sorts of people that the upper class wants to be associated with, but usually are not because though rich and or talented, they don?t give a damn about social position.

And that never sinks in. That the people that the upper class see as the ultimate social stars usually don?t want anything to do with them.

Debbi and Brent had told them about my work with them, they?d sung my praises and were certain that they were training another Stephen Hawkings, which I think is going a bit far. They had met Senior at a cocktail party and they asked him about me, and were shocked to find that he not only knew who I was, but had known me all of my life, and was very pleased that I had hired on. Under my own talents and skills.

They knew all about my disabilities. I know my doctor here would never give anyone that information unless I authorized it, so I figured, yes, they?d put a private detective on me.

They discussed my siezures, mainly, then announced that I?d probably never be able to produce children. I was so stunned I ... Great spirits.

I apologised and told them I really wasn?t comfortable discussing that with anyone, let alone in public. And that I like Aurora, but I didn?t have any intentions. We?re just friends.

Well, they just wanted to get some things straight with me. I shouldn?t be having any intentions towards Aurora, because although I was not the horrid little wart they feared I was, and can actually help with her career, I would become a terrible liability if I forgot my place.

My place. My place is to entertain her when she can?t find anyone better, but discreetly as I?ve always been; I have such good taste about not flashing around who I?m seeing and making it look like there?s romance when there?s not. I should be at arms length in public and private, but in private, we can, of course, be good friends.

Otherwise, I?m a distant chum who can be counted on to take up a dull Saturday night, and, of course, introduce her to my parents more exclusive circle of friends. Who can also help advance her career in more ?subtle? ways.

?Subtle ways?, her father says, and he looks over at Bea. They even found that out. Maybe just that I work for the Four Winds, they hire mages as often as scientists, all for the same purpose of research and development. More likely they talked to people around the tavern.

I have to be very careful, because if anyone ever found out I was using my more ?subtle? ways to help Aurora, she would of course be completely banned from her career path of elected official. Unless I did what was right and took all the blame, exonerating her.

I should be glad to do that, because Aurora is going to be such a powerful and insightful and intelligent civil leader. She wouldn?t really need my aid, except there are so many unscrupulous politicians out there who would do anything to win elections, and I would balance things out and allow the people to make the right decision.

In fact, it would be good if I started now, helping dear old dad with his upcoming campaign.

Shocked just wasn?t the word. I couldn?t say anything. ?We will let you be friends with our daughter and not treat you like trash, and all you have to do is be our pet mage.?

Oh, and I?d be able to stand aside and watch Aurora marry someone who can produce heirs for them. I?d get to be their fairy godfather. How nice. I can go pick up a wand with a glittery star on it. And that tu-tu Fae?s always teasing me about.

If what I?m doing is ever found out, I get to take all the blame. That though I only ever acted like a casual friend, I actually was deeply in love with Aurora and would do anything for her, and of course, her political theories were obsessions of mine and I was so dedicated to them that I had to make sure they achieved their proper place in society.

Kind of a benevolent Rasputin. So while I?m sitting on the edge of this wonderful new order that I will help to create and this majestic dynasty of power and peace, I realize that if I say ?no?, I?m a liability. A serious one.

If I say yes, well... No. No way in hell. So, I did what I had to. People are stupid. They know they?re dealing with a mage, but they don?t stop and think that if I can sway someone elses mind, I can sway theirs. They didn?t even pick up something that would protect them from any castings on my part.

I didn?t even try to hide it, I mean, what were they going to do, stop me? I explained it. That actually helps set the spell. It was an aphasic spell. Meaning that whenever their minds get to ?Des is a mage, he can work for us?, everything scrambles.

It?s stopgap at best, but Matilde?s going to help me look for something more permanent and effective. She wants to use a potion, but those are always difficult to administer, I?d rather use a ward, but those can be discovered and defaced or removed.

We?re going to the company library, some of Prince Myrddn Emrys? grimories are in there, and they respond to me. They?re hard spells, they rely on pure magic without a focal point. The only one I?ve ever been able to cast so far is the one I used on Penn, to make him smaller.

It was kind of strange. It almost seemed like it?d been written for me to cast on Penn, it even said ?be sure you know, young mage, all of the variables?, which I didn?t.

Matilde?s sure his grimorie will give us something we can at least work with because every time I have used them for research, they open for me just like a regular book, and I open them right to where I need to. The wards on the princes? grimories are so strange.

They won?t open at all for the arch magus Trevalin, and he?s so holy and good and pure and white, it?s scary. They won?t open for Nesbitt, that?s for sure. Trevalin has me open them, and he can read through them fine. Nesbitt does, and there?s nothing on the pages at all. Matilde can only open them half the time, but never has trouble reading them.

Maybe it?s because our names are a lot the same.

[Desdenova]

[Interlude: Color]





Colors, colors, colors, all over, every page used. Like another code. And the last one, it was fresh. Pinks, purples, yellows, whites. Sort of a sunset and focused. Maybe too much. Color drifted over color.

Older entries, he supposed they were entries, other abstracts. Thought translated to movement and color caught on paper. Crayon, mainly. Water color. Pencils. Sort of like one of the dreamers Tarot decks, he supposed.

Some seemed angry, fearful, wounded. Others seemed joyous, bright, questing. Seemed an odd way to record ones' life, really, but who was he to say? He chose to use words. And often questioned why he had written them at all.

It wasn't something he could unravel in a moment. Overanalyzing, sometimes under, in any case, it meant something.

What was it? Where was the point of demarcation? A faint knit of brow showed under the fall of dark hair, breif, and he picked the journal up. Carried it to the room he had been put into, to set it on a desk and reach for his own journal.

Deceptive thing, it was, almost as well bespelled as his seldom seen or used grimorie. Opening it to the last written page, turned to a clean one, he reopened Paiges' to the last. Tracing fingertips, careful as they were precise. In the casting of the spell, color bubbled up to the blank white of his journal. Pooled and spreading wet in a precise imitation of the original, and then hazing over dry, a duplicate to the very scratches of pencil on paper.

It seemed logical to leave something in return, but he wasn't much of an artist. Not figural, anyhow. Then again, none of the pictures in the journal were figural. After a moments thought, he got up and wandered through the castles' halls. So easy to get lost, but he simply followed scents.

"I'm betting your parents used to tie bells on your shoes or hung one around your neck."

Gruff and amused remark from the master of the keep, though Desdenova doubted much he'd startled the man as he typed in the upstairs office. A tilt of his head, innocence of his tending to quiet. In any case, it was quite true. Until he'd learned, as a cat will, to walk without making them ring.

"How did you know?"

"Just a guess. What'd you need?"

It was still fascinating to stand before someone declared dead long before he was born. Someone who'd lived a life the youth could only read about and envy. To just... go. Alone.

"...I don't know... Colors...?" A little doubtfully, as if he had never thought to ask for such a thing in his life. Rick seemed amused. To understand, in any case.

"Play room oughta have crayons and paints and what have you."

Desdenova nodded, but lingered, almost fidgeting a bit, gaze flickering almost uneasily through the room. Unaware of the humored sidelong gaze of the older man, only noticing when Rick simply raised an arm. The silent invitation was more than it took to send the youth almost skittering to the offered hug, bulldozing the wheeled office chair a bit before Rick got his feet down steady.

It seemed the pilot was used to abruptly finding teenagers all but flinging arms around him and trying to hide their faces in his shoulder. Borrowing his strength, simply seeking comfort. With a gentle ruffle of the youths eternally rumpled hair, Rick finally spoke once more.

"For a quiet boy, you sure seem to get into a lot of tangles."

The soft irony of tone gained a faint hush of laughter from the youth, an affectionate press of his temple.

"It's... It's that... I..." Stammering, and as he realized it, he stopped, took a breath. Focussed before speaking. Unlike most with the problem, once he did start to speak, it was every thought that had log jammed in his head, not necessarily in linear order, breaking loose in a breathless flood of words.

"Everything I knew isn't what I know anymore, it's changed and I don't want it to but it did and I don't understand any of it, but I thought I did and I don't want to look further I don't know what would happen and I don't want to know what I thought it was, I don't want to be different from what I am, I don't want to be what I'm not..."

And as abrupt as the wash of words, silent, wide eyed. Listening. No sign of laughter in the mans' gentle respirations, simply the heavy thud of heartbeat.

"Are you having fun?" Rick asked without warning, idly and gently petting the youths hair and cheek. A trifle taken aback, Desdenova could only nod, smile reflexively.

"Stop worrying about it then. Stop trying to impose other peoples rules and thoughts on it. Just be who you are, that's all you can be."

"Was that the colors in Paiges' journal?" Desdenova asked slowly.

This time Rick did laugh. Soft and slow, patting the boys shoulder and getting to his feet, drawing Desdenova with him. Shooing him off for the play room with the rest of the children.

It must be. Though Rick didn't exactly answer. Maybe because he wouldn't talk for his wife, maybe because he felt Desdenova was smart enough to figure it out for himself. It felt right.

So, seated at the desk with a childs palette of watercolors, Desdenova carefully painted. Dark blue, purple, green, red, peacock hues in wet black. In a wide, endless swirl suggesting an opening nebula. Before it dried much, he dropped white into the center. Twice, one overlapping the other and watching the pigment bleed into the dark colors. Yellow spattered like stars.

Copied over into his own journal, his own entry, and finally, he returned Paiges journal to where he had found it.