Fixed and Consequent

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 92, Eighteen Five

Why can?t they see past blonde/cute/cheerful = stupid bint? I don?t understand it. It?s so frustrating. It?s unfair. There isn?t anything she could possibly do to be anything at all besides an airhead ditz ...

And that?s my fault. It?s not what I describe, it?s because I am describing. I say she?s so intelligent, she?s fun, funny, she likes a lot of the same things I do, and it doesn?t matter. I say she makes me happy, and that doesn?t matter. It just doesn?t matter. Blonde, cute, cheerful, therefore she?s an idiot with absolutely nothing to her.

It?s me. It?s got to be me. They just don?t want me seeing her, maybe. I don?t know. Maybe they don?t want me seeing anyone.

Maybe they?re right, but how could I be so wrong? I?m trying, I really am, to see what they are. I see sunshine, they see blonde blonde blonde. I see cheerful, they see airhead.

Well off pretty girls are always spoiled and don?t care about anyone or thing. I?m well off, or I was when I was at home. I?m spoiled. I don?t get it.

I don?t understand. I just don?t. I?m trying. I want so much to ...

I don?t know. I... I want to tell Aurora what I feel, but... I?m not sure what it is. Love maybe? I don?t know. I just... I can?t BE anything. I

It?s not fair to ask someone else for so much for almost nothing. Everything, for what? Maybe they just don?t think I should be asking.

I mean, they try to hide it. Empty smiles. Empty. I ...

I just don?t get it. Now even Teddy and Anna are doing it. Empty smiles, empty reassurance empty empty. Would they tell me if there was something really wrong? I don?t know anymore. I know I wouldn?t. Unless I had to.

Never tell a friend when their love is straying or wrong, baby, they?ll never believe you and get furious that you spoke against their beloved. They?ll get furious that you didn?t say anything, too, so it?s usually best to play dumb all around. Mom always said that.

I forget that sometimes, but I know I shouldn?t. There?s never anything I can do, and no way to turn when it all comes out. Now I wonder if I?m the blind one.

I?m not mad they?re doing this, it just hurts. I don?t understand why. I don?t know if they just don?t want to potentially lose me to someone else or if they see something I can?t or won?t.

I?m just so afraid. What if I am wrong? What then?

[Desdenova]

[Interlude: Rites]

The slide of twilight tilted well in the dark violets and eerie lit blues, the final shreds of daylight. Still, Desdenova stood by an enormous capstone near the rear south wall of the cemetary. Very still he was, reading from an elderly scroll held open over the stone, weighted down with a few rounded rocks.

Low light was rarely a problem for Desdenovas? eyes, yet he still smiled swift appreciation when Charlie curiously winged to his shoulder to see what he was up to. A hand curled upwards to gently riffle fingers through the little phoenixes feathers before moving to sift through the fall of his own hair.

Though...

Desdenovas? head tilted faintly. In the golden cast of Charlies? illumination, ghostly echoes of the ancient ink etched across the parchment. Eerie and tending to flicker much as smoke might.

The scrolls? title translated loosely to ?In Fires Eye, In Moons Night?, which made little sense -- it was a record of early funerary rites. Yet none of the ancient inscriptions matched the time dimmed scratches on the capstone.

Tilting the parchment to the phoenix, brought more information, and none was specifically funerary. Desdenova looked up reflexively, to the sky, but the moons would not rise till much later. Perhaps another set of writings would be revealed in their light.

Summonings, he had been good at, but only because he was more cautious than even his teachers in casting protection circles and runes first. Desdenova knew better than even those horribly maimed in aborted summonings what danger those could be.

Cthulu wasn?t just another pretty face in a half-crafted mythos, after all. And though it was a joke, it was terribly true that after a morning spent opening a dark portal into a dimension of evil, absolutely nothing worse could happen.

Summonings. In a funerary rite. Desdenovas? brows knit lightly, lifting his head to look over the peaceful cemetary. It had been unconsecrated when he had bought it. All of the holy places and icons broken, smashed, defaced.

The Star of David knocked from a tombstone finial, the prayers carved into a Buddist spire filled in with mud or feces, a Madonna tipped over and splashed over with blood... In fact, any representation from the several faiths represented there, stripped of its power.

Not stripped of their power, Desdenova decided, turning to lift the fragments of a badly decayed labrus from the box where he had earlier collected the pieces from an ancient gravesite. Not stripped of their power at all. He could feel the belief that had so long ago created the double headed ax, shining as true as it had when it was forged to mark a grave.

However, knocked from its place and broken, left to rot in the harsh elements, it could no longer protect. It was not where it was supposed to be.

It couldn?t be the pranks of teenagers and the results of conflicting faiths. The symbols had to have been systematically and purposely been defaced, yet retained their own power enough to keep whoever had done that from removing them altogether.

The tiny Druidic shrine was easily rebuilt, little more than stacked stones chosen for their resemblance to oak. It had taken Desdenova some time to locate a priest who promised to re-consecrate the shrine as soon as was feasible.

A tiny Catholic shrine had managed to survive intact, but all that had been housed within it, for the use of the priests come to give services for the dead, was long decayed and smashed past recognition, let alone use. Cam had sent him to Father Stephens, and the old man had been pleased to replace what was gone, to renew the blessings on the tiny stone church.

An intinerant Rabbi had spent a week helping out, going grave to grave over the small Jewish population, and promised to return before fall to finish matters.

Desdenova leaned his elbows onto the capstone, little more than a slender silhoette in the falling night, shadowed under the glow of the phoenix. Before that, he had stepped into the cemetary.

Unhallowed ground, he knew it at once. It seemed strange that a cemetary, of all places, would have lost its grace. Yet, it was wrong to leave it so.

The earth, air, fire, water, it was all there. The Spirits simply needed to know once more where this place was. It had taken him days, worn him almost into exhaustion; at the same time, bouyed his own spirit. Until he felt as fragile as dried leaves, and yet, if he stretched out a finger, he could have restored the entire grounds with a whisper of spell.

Power wasn?t the thing. It was controlling it. He didn?t know if he could have controlled such a casting, did not know why the cemetary had lost its sanctity, and so, wouldn?t even make an attempt.

It all seemed so willing to once more become clean, even though the ghosts remaining were so old, they weren?t quite sure what had happened to their haunt. Yet, the way it was, Anna rarely returned to her own grave, before Desdenova had arrived.

Anna never really said why, just that it was such a relief that he had come and done all of his weird pagan things to make the cemetary comfortable.

He needed to ask her why.

Shrugging slightly, Desdenova smoothed a hand over the parchment, re-reading the arcane text. It might have chilled anothers? blood, the summonings written in letters of fire, yet he did not give them that power over him.

Calling upon minor, hateful things, these were. Perhaps as vengeance against the dead. Perhaps that was why the rites were detailed in the plain ink of the scroll. That the one casting would know how to desecrate the burial site well enough...

None of the graves there were desecrated well enough, Desdenova realized as he lifted his head once more, scanning over the dark play of shadow and movement of the cemetary. No longer hallowed, no longer consecrated, but the fallen icons had never been removed. The graveyard could not be tainted so long as those remained.

The scroll Desdenova read didn?t spell that out, but it was something he knew, very well. That it was only the cemetary with all of its protection removed that became breeding grounds for evil. Zombie farms, his dad called them. Vampire slums. Prone to becoming dimensional vortexes.

And worse.

Charlie lit off after a rabbit, and Desdenova watched her flight with a faint smile. Sometimes, she would hawk for him, but not tonight. She?d brought him a squirrel all ready, anyhow.

The moons would rise soon, and Desdenova could see then if there was writing that showed in their light. For the moment, the youth stretched hugely and walked a lazy course to the pond. Absently pulling at the collar of the white shirt, intending on taking a swim.

The old willow creaked as Desdenova stepped by, and he paused, regarding her in cautious curiousity. Her temper was only slightly improved by all of his efforts. Getting her to bring up the casket and body she?d been planted to mark had been like pulling teeth. Fertilizers, offerings of gold and song, even planting a young sapling nearby, had failed to sweeten her disposition.

?I?m not going any closer, Lady Willow, you always hit me, and that?s not nice,? Desdenova reminded the willow in a strange whispering language, the soft bass of his voice sounding sifted through the branches of the very tree he spoke to.

Logic never did much for the willow. Not even Fern had gotten very far with her. Yet, the willow did seem to realize that Desdenova wasn?t going into the reach of her branches. She creaked, as if caught in a high wind, but didn?t speak. Desdenova frowned as he watched. It seemed as if the tree was caught in some bizarre agony. One that was welcomed by the senile, demented part of her personality and rejected by what the willow was supposed to be.

It was easy to forget the roots of a tree would extend far past the perimeter of its branches in the search for water. Desdenova recalled that in a flash of horror as the ground rumbled under his feet, in the sudden casting of a wrist thick loop of root over his foot.

The ground plowed upwards, the root jerked the youths? foot out from under him, dragging him to the tree swift as thought. A startled yelp was cut short by the harsh wrap of a branchlet around Desdenovas? throat. A hand lifted to grip at the branch, ruthlessly tearing skin under short nails, an abrupt focus of a spell briefly shocking the willow into dropping him.

Desdenova rolled for his feet, and the lash came down. Imhumanly powerful, the willow slashed a thin branch across his back, deep, cutting muscle and bone alike, felling the youth without a sound.

Fire burst into the sky, and a peculiar keening filled the air as the willow realized that Charlie had turned to rescue her boy. Little more than a bird-shaped dart of flame, Charlie dove for the heart of the tree, trusting that her sheer heat would ignite and char branches swinging for her.

Somehow, though some did catch fire by proximity, several did not. Charlie squawked, literally swatted from the sky and landing, unconscious, several yards away.

Writhing in pain and fury, the willow craned her branches for Charlie, intending to rend her into feathered bits. A hidious roar stopped her.

Ten feet and hulking, sabered claws and lethal fangs, Teddy sprang at the willow. It would not take the bogle any time or trouble to rend the willow into toothpicks, and she knew it. Without hesitation, she wrapped a root around Desdenovas? throat.

Teddy halted, chartreuse eyes narrow and cold.

Even unconscious, the youths? breath rasped. His lips took on a blue tinge. Barely enough air allowed for him to live, but for how long? The bogle wouldn?t hold off forever. The phoenix would gain her senses. The wisps would eventually come up for air.

Bea darted from the house, a milk white fleeting shadow in the night. The willow didn?t notice the tiny Maltese escaping from the gates and rushing down the road. What would it matter anyhow? She was just a dog.

For now, the cemetary was the willows to command.

?His blood, Bogle, as it seeps into the earth. Is mine now,? the willow hissed, rocking and switching branches aimlessly, ?What care you, he is only human.?

?Mine,? Teddy snarled, a slow, dangerous sound, ?And I shall have back all. Release him.?

The threat implied was good enough, and then some, but the willow held onto Desdenovas? throat stubbornly. Stupidly.

Not knowing why at all.

[Desdenova]

[Interlude: Rites II]


It was nearly bizarre to see Bea running loose and alone from the woods. The very sight of the tiny Maltese, glowing moon drop bright, barking rapidly, could only mean trouble. Thorn promptly went to see what the matter was, taking up to a run as the dog turned and ran back the way she came.

Seeing the flight of Thorn into the woods, this confused rather Naeruu, which wasn?t to say most things did not. A demon, or, she should have been, yet something had gone wrong with what she was. More like an intelligent cat, now. Naeruu tilted her masked head and galloped after Thorns, on all fours. Perhaps it was all a good game.

Cam paused as she neared Mercy Dale Cemetary. Expecting to pick up brother and take him along with her to the tavern for an evening, something was... everything was... horribly wrong. Not a ghost to be seen, not even the whisps flickering over the pond.

Before Cam could step past the gates, Nathanial and Shorty walked by, the greeting and wave stopped short as the sage realized that there was trouble. Sending Shorty to investigate, simply broke all hell loose.

Literally pulling from the ground, but not zombies. Strange, unsidhe-like creations of plantlife. Everywhere. Thorn found herself surrounded before she was even near the gate, and flicked out the claws usually simple rings on her fingers. There wasn?t any finesse, literally, mowing past the things.

Cut down, they swiftly re-grew from the stalks left in the earth. Like weeds. Bea trailed after the woman, biting at the stalks as she found them. Each bite produced a loud snap, searing the roots neatly.

Naeruu was confused by these beings. It never dawned on the peaceful creature that they may want to harm her. When the percieved offer of a hug turned out to be strangulation, Naeruu lashed out in startled violence.

Cam promptly drew her Browning pistol, simply shooting whatever moved, and stamping - hard - on the wiggling roots she found. She didn?t know where Desdenova was, but somehow, didn?t think he was peacefully napping on his living room sofa.

Nathanial realized he was almost picked out to be driven back or worse. Pushing specifically to get rid of him, he could hear the reedy voices of the plants vowing their hate. It was bizarre, and too, carrying an unfamiliar taint. Though, when pressed, the sage had no problems with using weed killer.

Shorty had found, swiftly, the cause of the commotion, and stood, alternately cajoled and beset by the strange attenuated horrors created by the willow in her efforts to...

She wasn?t sure. Hold onto the boy. Let him bleed to death at her roots. To taint the place where she had been planted to watch over a long dead girl.

Teddy hissed and yowled, hoping that this ...new vision of him wouldn?t drive help away. Though Cam stared stupidly a moment, she stepped foreward. That was her brother laying ...pinned down by the willow? And it was moving, violently slashing at the ends of her reach.

Naeruu and Thorn joined the small stand off to regard the scene in astonishment. The logical thing seemed to be to start cutting at the willows? roots, and both were well equipped to do so. The distraction was all Cam needed to rush in and fall to her knees beside Desdenova.

Horror at the blue tinge of his lips, at the deep cut across his back, would have to wait. Nathanial and Shorty began to wrestle, on some intangible level, with the will of the willow. As they gained purchase, Naeruu ducked under the flailing limps to cut Desdenova loose. Thorn quickly joined them, pulling the youth away from the tree.

Then, as swiftly as it began, it was done. The willow shuddered and fell quiescent, surrendering, or... Nathanial wasn?t sure. There was almost a sense of something fleeing. Distinctly to the north. Yet, he couldn?t pursue it, he had to make sure the willow was done with her attacks until everyone was clear.

The irony, he could see Desdenovas? wounds, how bad they were, and couldn?t run to help. Though, as the willow was contained, the ponds? water roiled, and Ogopini and Gus burst upwards like glass floats held underwater. The wisps promptly hovered around the youth, tendering life support while Thorn pulled off her shirt to press against the deep cut.

Finally, Nathanial turned from the willow, leaving her in Shortys? tending. Cam managed to pull Desdenova to her shoulder, watching Nathanial in a mute horror. She?d lost one brother. Not this one, too.

It was peculiarly familiar, healing Desdenova. The touch of arcane energy sparked off easy sight of the youths? aura, mottled blue and green as his eyes. Familiar, but Nathanial didn?t press.

A faint ?C-c...? uttered, the youth breifly struggling for consciousness, as if he knew how worried Cam would be otherwise. He only felt her arms around him and heard the reassurances, and never saw the tears. It was enough to set him purring, soft and faint.

Teddy resumed his usual visage, as if the unholy offspring of Puss ?N? Boots and Dr. Ruth, and quickly managed damage control. Gathering up Naeruu from her confusion, giving her Bea and Charlie to hold, then passing out booze to the ladies. He could no more offer explanations of the strange attack than could Desdenova, but he had more important matters to tend once they were settled.

Namely, all of that blood. It couldn?t be left staining the earth, nor feeding the willow.

Shorty realized that the willow seemed to be having difficulty just thinking straight. That for whatever reason, it was as if part of her mind had been exised, lobotomized, if one could do so to a plant.

It didn?t really matter. Shorty created a small miniture of himself, sending it to join into the willows? trunk. Just to help. Desdenova didn?t want to kill the willow, didn?t really want her harmed, after all; and Shorty certainly did not. The little tree-ent was far more interested in trying to find the problem and correct it.

First things first; she couldn?t be allowed to taint herself in her senility.

Peace returned to the cemetary swiftly. Nathanial shepherded Cam, Desdenova, and Naeruu back to her apartment. Thorn waved and headed for her home. Shorty saw to the willow and followed after Nathanial soon enough.

The scroll that had lain pinned on the rune-carved capstone was gone.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 93, Eighteen Five

So. There are these evil little absinthe fairies in some of the fens around here, which I guess is better than some of the other things that could live in the fens, but where you have absinthe, you have trouble. Weird trouble.

I know I?ve seen some of the older cousin-uncle-fathers from Wolsons Hole laying traps for the fairies, and I?ve found them dead drunk or just dead often enough in the ditches around here after that. I?ve offered to bury them, build them a casket, anyhow, and that?s the first time these people have really surprised me.

They?re distinctly welfare trash, but they weren?t going to take anything from that cemetary. Not from me; the cemetary. They didn?t want theirs buried there, and they didn?t want anything made there.

I showed one of the less inbred girls how to knock together a simple plank box, and she?s okay as long as she doesn?t get drunk first. That was fine with them.

Well, that?s how I found out. I found one of the men dead from probably eating one of the absinthe fairies and went and told a group of them. I told them it was absinthe poisoning, and they all made a sort of half-Catholic sign of protection, then went and got ?Old Gram S?frass?.

Old Gram seems to double as witch-woman and priestess whenever they think things like that are needed. She?s not really either, she?s just an old lady who?s lived longer than she wants to and has seen less than she dreamed. She?s more angry at her numberous offspring than pleased that they?ve accorded her such power.

Kind of like a backwards version of ?It?s a Wonderful Life?. Where she realized that everything would be better if she?d never been born. Which is very creepy, but I guess I?m the only outsider she?s talked to in a long time, and she does, a lot, whenever they bring her outside of her hut.

She does a half assed ritual over the ones that have died of absinthe poisoning, if they were catching the fairies. She cackled at me and said ?I?d piss on ?em boy, and they?d think it was holy an? right, and they?s shore deservin? of it, but I never had th? nerve.?

Which... really gave me the creeps. Hate held in check by responsibility. Barely.

They call for the coroner to pick up the bodies, they end up in a RhyDin potters field, usually. A little better, now that they?ve got someone that can build caskets. It sometimes makes me wonder how they can live so unnoticed and die even less. I guess they have their family to remember. They are happy, that?s really all that matters.

But, this... rabbit. It?s a rabbit. I don?t know what happened to it, but it started eating the absinthe fairies. That?s weird enough, but every time it ate them, it got bigger. Until it was the size of an SUV.

Something else made it go back to its normal size, but I?m not sure what that was, all I know was that Tyg was trying to get me to let the damn thing live with me.

I mean, it?s cool and all, but... a rabbit on the grounds is bad enough, one that can potentially get big enough to start digging up the graves -- no way. I managed to talk my way out of that, but still, I?m paranoid it will come hopping by and decided the cemetary looks like a good place to stalk absinthe fairies.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 94, Eighteen Five

It?s really strange to walk up behind Jessica. I did, while she was at the tavern getting a drink, and she suddenly froze and demanded ?Desdenova, are you naked?!?

I had to think about that a while. I mean, well, honestly, if there?s no one around and it?s warm, I don?t always bother getting dressed unless I?m going to go somewhere. Mom said some days, she was really tempted to use a stapler to keep my clothes on me when I was little.

So, I said ?Yes, I am, and I?ve drawn a happy face on my stomach, too, want to see?? And she jumped! I don?t think I?m that scary, naked. I hope I?m not. Well, as it turned out, there were a lot of naked lawn gnomes chasing her around yelling nasty things.

Vampire bunnies, lawn gnomes, absinthe fairies... I think everyone kind of cracked by the end of the summer, I really do.

I was sitting with Thorn, and her friend, Baziou, I was tired and I just wanted affection, really, and the next thing I know, some lady I just met named Charlie was demanding to know if I was gay.

Which, kind of shocked me, I mean, we were talking about Aurora. Well, what she meant to me. I don?t know why. If I?m affectionate with the men I know, it?s almost immediate. Oh, he?s gone gay!

...You can?t ?go gay?. That?s ridiculous. A gay man may date girls to hide his actual preferences, but his preferences weren?t created or made. These people are so 1950s with their attitudes and beliefs of homosexual people, it?s scary. But then again, most of the gay people here seem badly derived from just those same beliefs and attitudes, so I guess it?s about par for the course.

I don?t know why, but after that, Charlie seemed very stand offish towards me. I don?t understand that, at all. I know she complained about me being gay to Tyg and Tyg told her, no, he?s not, but... It?s just very odd. She seems, also, a little miffed that Charlie is what I call my phoenix. It?s not like it?s an unusual name.

I don?t know. I just try to be polite and not bother her.

I keep talking about it. Aurora, and what I feel. Baziou said he envied me, I was lucky, I could reach out and touch what was there. Thorn insisted that it must be, because I?m not stupid, and I?ve known her a while. Aurora, I mean. That the only thing holding me back was me, and that wasn?t such a bad thing.

Maybe. I don?t know. I ... Well, I do, it?s stupid, but I do. I lay in bed at night and... try to picture what it would be like, to tell Aurora... Perfectly, I mean. How do to it so it is perfect. Though I?d probably stutter and drool on myself and end up having to draw pictographs or something.

It?s... I don?t know. I feel stupid writing about it, I can feel myself blushing just... just with writing now. My face gets hot, I don?t know whether to cringe or... I don?t know, it?s another feeling, I?m not sure what it is. I don?t usually blush when I?m just writing, I don?t usually have time to think about it.

I... I think, just as the sun?s going down, and she comes to meet me at the bottom of the hill the observatory?s on. And I ...I can say so much and so eloquently then. I can say what she means to me, how beautiful she is, why I like her so much. And just tell her. Just... like that. So easy.

But I can never... I don?t know. I can never envision her response. I run out of imagination or something. Or fall asleep, usually. Always just... I can see her eyes and they?re shining and bright as ever and... Well, it?s a nice image to fall asleep with, anyhow.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 95, Eighteen five

Naeruu... Well, she?s a spider-demon. An oni, or, if you read her mask, a lillith. A sort of succubi. She?s... Well, she?s very sweet, very innocent. She can?t really speak, I think she?s got a spiders? head. She?s basically a female human form wearing a black mask. On the mask is writings detailing why she?s there at all and wearing the mask.

Apparantly, she was bred specifically of the ?queen? to be her successor. Something went wrong, or right, depending on how you look at it, and Naeruu was born ugly. Well. With a spider head. Though I?ve found that?s common for the lillith genus, they metamorph after a certain amount of time, whereupon they are sent off to their heinous ways.

But, Naeruu didn?t, and they wouldn?t kill her, as she was the queens? special, so, she was imprisoned in the mask and cast out. Only a mortals? hand may remove the mask, it said, and I wonder if she wants me to. Sometimes, it seems so.

I?m not really sure if I am or not. Mortal. I don?t think it?d be a good idea to find out for sure that way. I guess Mom knows. I don?t think we?re supposed to be, but with so few left, and even fewer working in Moms? field, well. Things change, when there?s need.

Throckwoddle, his name is. He?s a grave-digger. I think an embalmer. I?m not sure. He?s older than he seems. By far. I think, a necromancer. But not like Dad. A real one. He seemed to know me, Dad, Jackie. But superficially. As if he?d read our names, which, well, if he is a mortician, he has, Dad and Jackie are well enough known. Naeruu was wearing one of my college sweat shirts the second time he showed up, so, maybe he?s alumni.

He knew Naeruu?s language much better than I, and he spent a long time talking to her. It was kind of funny, he double-talked her into protecting me, then took me aside and patted my shoulder and said ?she?d do right by you now?.

Because, well, I guess he thought there was something going on, if she was wearing my sweat shirt. I was so mortified. I mean, she?s a spider, really, and she came in wet and cold, so I just pulled it out of my bag and put it on her, and she ... Oh, spirits. Well. I told him it just wasn?t like that, and he said ?good lad, leave the demon lovers to the demons?, and I just wanted to go bury my head in the sand somewhere.

At least he didn?t look at me funny and ask if I was gay.

Throckwoddle?s... I don?t know. Sometimes, Dad will talk about his grandfather, and how wise, caring, and gentle he was... and that he was funny and energetic and... I wonder if he was like Throckwoddle. But Throckwoddle?s English, great grandfather was German.

Well. Grandmother was English. I think. I?ll have to ask. Great grandmother Tombs was German, I don?t know if grandmother Tombs was. There were a lot of Germans newly immigrated in California back then, or coming straight from the Pennsylvania Dutch areas.

I should ask.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 96, Eighteen Five

What a morning. I?ve been all day thinking about it. I woke up, and I just... decided. I don?t think there?s any reason to keep on just vacillating, I?m not afraid in the slightest that if I don?t say anything, Aurora will stop going out with me and talking to me and all. I just think, well. Why shouldn?t I?

I can do it. I can tell her.

I can?t WRITE IT oh Hell. I?m

Fine. I love her, I?m going to tell her.

...I will. Well. I decided. I would. And did this in the morning so I could spend all day freaking out over it. I feel... so ... I feel like it?s the easiest, most natural thing in the world one moment, and the next I?m panicking shaking nervous sweating...

But I guess mostly just ...really happy. Even when I?m panicky... It was... I mean, it was... I don?t know if you can be happy and panicky, but that?s what it felt like.

It?s so much easier in my head. I mean, doesn?t she know all ready? But do I know if she does? I don?t, so I shouldn?t be stupid. Though I am stupid about this stuff, I?ve never even thought about it so

I know. I don?t know what she thinks, she doesn?t know what I think. Until one or the other says something. So I will.

It was just... It?s been such a bizarre day. Three girls, who I don?t even really know all that well, they all got so mad at me. Because I told Paige, I was going to tell Aurora. Paige was really pleased, that helped a lot.

But... These girls. Spirits. One, she says she?s Swedish, at least, I think she says she?s Swedish. She sounds like the Swedish Chef, not like anyone Swedish I?ve ever met. I mean, Mom?s Swedish, for crying out loud. I couldn?t understand half of what this woman was saying, and I think that?s good, because the half I could understand was that she was a hot young widow and needed a good man to make her happy.

If she needs someone else to make her happy, then she?s going to be borking idiotically into the night like some love sick duck for the rest of her life.

The other two, one started throwing things at me, but Jessica showed up then and told her to back off if she didn?t want a field demonstration of a liver to brain transplant, and the other got all teary eyed and fled the scene.

...I don?t even know these girls. The Swedish Chef girl gave me this sad eyed farewell of how she hoped I would be happy, and hoped Aurora knew what she had. I don?t know her!! Now I?m breaking her heart and she?s nobly sending me off to follow my foolish whims with some polished city girl and leaving by the wayside the good and true country girl who?s been beside me for so long?

I could have screamed. It was so bizarre. I don?t even know their names.

So. I just went to work. I?m ...spinning my wheels, right now, I?ve got another two hours before I go to the observatory. I wonder if I?ll want to kiss her. I never have. Kissed her, or wanted to. I think she?s wanted me to, but... Well. I don?t know how anyhow. I don?t know what goes after that. I just like to hold her hand. She seems to, too. Mine, I mean.

I don?t know what?s next. The girls this morning made it sound like I was asking her to marry me. I don?t want to get married. I just want to know. Want her to know. I guess so ... I don?t know. Maybe so I?d know it was okay if I did want to kiss her. ...Well, I think. I mean, I wouldn?t just

I don?t know if that?s being boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe? Jackie?s had a lot of boyfriends she liked but didn?t love. But she never dated them just them. Maybe that?s it. So it?d be just dating one person. I think. I don?t date much anyhow. There?s not a lot of people here I could trust enough to just ask out on a date.

I don?t know if Aurora dates other people, I wouldn?t ask, anyhow. That?s rude. Even when you?re good friends, it?s not polite when you?ve asked them out on a date to start talking about dates with other people. We talk about people we have dated, sometimes, when we?re just hanging around or something,

I wrote her a letter, a while ago. I never sent it. Maybe I?ll give it to her tonight. It?s... it?s silly, I guess, but... I mean what I wrote. Love letter. It?s pretty sappy. I ...

I better go take a shower and get ready. I?m so nervous. Then I?m not.

I wonder if I?ll read this again and laugh at what a dork I am. I wonder if I?ll chicken out. I wonder what?s next. I can do it.

[Desdenova]

[Interlude] Aurora


It took a lot. A lot of thought, mental preparation, simple determination. He knew what he was, after all. So did she. She hadn?t turned away from it. She said she wouldn?t, he believed her.

It was a childlike faith he held, cherished, and never let what he knew to be factual take from what he knew to be true. Taking in a deep breath, he waited as the sun slowly lowered into the west, watching the glowing golds in the reds, mezmerized.

Waiting for her, he knew she would be skipping up that path soon, she always met him at the base of the observatory and walked him up. He knew she arrived earlier, that she parked the little Opel in the lot and then quickly ran down the drive, up the road a bit, and returned all as if she walked there, herself. It was a cute little charade, he never mentioned knowing very well by the car alone that she?d been there already and was simply trying to make it look like she was running into him by chance.

When Aurora stepped from the path to the drive, he wondered if he was going to faint in his tracks. Emotion wasn?t the easiest thing for him to manage, it overwhelmed and confused so easily. Far easier to obsess over something as distant as stars.

?Angel and Theresa already left, your aunt and uncle are fighting,? Desdenova offered by way of greeting, his tone meant to be off hand and natural sounding peculiarly faint, almost stuttered.

?Oh, dear, it must be a good one if Angel and Theresa left before dark,? Aurora responded with a twinkle of smile, walking to stand before Desdenova, her head tilted upwards. Such a smile, warm and inviting. She knew well enough he would stare at her for as long as he wasn?t distracted. Nothing else in world ever mattered, as long as she was smiling up at him.

?I don?t know, Angel and Theresa were muttering in Spanish and Greek, and I don?t think I should translate either,? he responded, a flicker of smile touching at his lips before it fell away. His gaze was gentled, an almost etheral cast of expression. Aurora watched him, giggling a bit after several long moments.

A little different than how he would watch her. Less of the sense of someone watching some pretty fantasy, more of that of watching what was real and within reach.

?What?? she prompted, reaching to catch his hand. Such elegant hands, he had, slender and powerful, deceptively so. He could fold hers in his without effort, and she watched as he did just that. Always so careful, and this time, to her surprise, lifted hers to very tenetively touch his lips to the delicate knuckles.

Wide blue eyes went even wider at the faint and dry brush of an almost-kiss to her hand, Aurora watched Desdenova, absolutely still and startled for an instant before she gave a soft trill of laughter, her cheeks flushing charmingly pink in the fading light.

It?d been a strange mantra over the past few weeks, but not in his voice. Why wouldn?t she return what he felt? Why wouldn?t...

He wrote it all in a letter he never sent. Wrote, and stared at as if it were her face. Smiling and blushing just like she was right then. Folded up, and ended up pushing into his jacket pocket, where he couldn?t forget about it.

?I... I just wanted to say...? Desdenova heard himself saying, almost voicelessly, still holding her hand in his, ?I mean, I... It?s not like anything I?ve ever known, it?s not like anything I?ve ever felt, when I look at you, it?s ...amazing, it?s sunshine...?

Without warning, or really meaning to, he began to recite what he?d written. On some other level, surprised that he had memorized it so easily, on another, unable to find any other words. Aurora just watched him, expectant seeming, her smile slowly lifting ever more, squeezing his hand when he faltered into a brief silence.

Encouraging him, Desdenova realized in a sudden dawning. She wanted him to go on, to accept what he offered. It became confidence he never dreamed he would ever have dealing with another person. His head lifted from the slight hang, shoulders straightened without effort. Lifting his free hand to lightly rest over the curve of her cheek, a caress of movement.

When she leaned into the touch of his hand, it was as good as the response he couldn?t hear her give in even the dreams he barely admitted to concocting in the moments before sleep. Desdenovas? breath caught a moment, the pounding of his heart loud in his ears. No questions, it was given. All before him.

?I love you,? he whispered, a sudden flare of smile igniting with the words, sweet, almost savoring the very fact he?d said it at all.

Aurora gasped, clear eyes suddenly filled with tears, joyous laughter following swiftly when she abruptly threw herself into Desdenovas arms. Like holding a sunbeam, some etheral being made from that, he told himself, for a moment, almost blinded and overwhelmed. Easily managing to wrap his arms around her, though it wasn?t something he was good at.

?I can?t believe it, I?ve wanted to hear you say that for so long, forever, it?s like all of my dreams are right here, right now,? Aurora all but sang, clinging tightly around Desdenovas? neck, bouncing in place for sheer exuberance. Her hands caught in his hair, running through the touselled black, and pressing to him a moment longer.

?I?ve wanted a brother since I was a just a little girl, and finally, I have one!?

Desdenova froze. Everything went numb. The warmth of the summer twilight was gone, but he couldn?t feel the cold. Shock slammed through his mind in a cacophony of voices and acid laughter.

Brother.

Aurora wriggled in sheer delight, drawing back to cup his face in her hands, seeming oblivious to the stupidly stunned set of his gaze, the mute bewilderment. She smiled, utter gold, her head tilting as her features became fond, almost whimsical, brushing at his hair.

?I?m so glad you told me, I?d have felt so stupid just asking, I know how much it means to you, and I?d hoped you?d have decided I was a sister without me trying to prompt you along,? she whispered, gazing into his eyes, adoring, but...

Not.

?Of course I love you, you?re the best brother anyone could ever hope for,? Aurora assured him. Perhaps misinterpreting his thunderstruck silence for wanting to hear that in return. After a moment, Desdenova managed, somehow, to give her a whisp of smile.

?I?m honored,? he breathed, almost voiceless, a mechanical response and far from the one he thought he would be giving. Completely undone, everything had broken into brittle fragments of what had been dream at his feet.

?Oh, if Aunt Debbi and Uncle Brent are fighting, why don?t we go get some coffee and talk? I?ve missed seeing you much this week, and with school starting, I won?t be able to do more than call till things settle,? Aurora offered with a twinkling affection, gently passing her hands over the lapels of his coat.

Stiffly, quite, abandoned by his usual grace, Desdenova caught her hands in his. Funny, she felt so alive, so vibrant and warm, and he... Even his breathing felt cold and jagged.

?I... I have to go, I?m getting a migraine.? A lie, born of his own morals and ethics. She claimed him as a brother, wanted nothing else of him, he couldn?t tell her that his words had been for her, not a sister.

That decision he had made already. To not demand what wasn?t given freely, to not press unwanted emotion on another. Agony licked dully at the back of his mind against the press of mocking laughter.

And usually, he so loved irony.

?Oh, let me go get my car, I?ll drive you. I?d feel much better once I see you in and comfortable,? Aurora murmured, sympathy moving her to stroke fingers to his temples. His eyes closed, misery welling over all at once. Tears blinded him, and in trying to turn away, only caught her hand and pressed it to his cheek.

?I... I can walk,? he insisted feebly. Though he wasn?t sure he could. His body felt leaden, iced. Aurora kept talking, he couldn?t really understand her. Something about she?d never seen him look so bad, even after a seizure, and wondered if she should call his doctor. But her voice faded. He could feel himself, alone.

The first chill breath of falls? promise wrapped around him as he stood where Aurora left him.

Disoriented, listless, he scarce realized as Aurora helped him into her car, and then out again, walking him to his front door. He murmured some dim reassurance that he would call the next day, and stepped within.

Silence rang hollowly through the house. It almost seemed he could see its very currents. Dusty, grainy, empty. He shattered, utterly, dropping to his knees and bowing over them, gasping and broken sobs racking him.

Spindly, furry arms wrapped around Desdenova. Gentle hisses and as much as Teddy could, rocking side to side. Soon, Bea and Flinx squeezed into his lap.

It didn?t feel like much, not then. But it was everything.

[Desdenova]

Jour n e ght

Brother. She wants me as a brother. I I still keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare and I?m not going to. Brother. It?s like a drum beating in my head, I can?t shut it up.

How can she Why What did I don?t know, I I never dreamed, I I wish she?d told me before. Before I made a fool of myself. I

It hurts It hurts so much. It takes everything I have not to call and scream at her. I don?t want to be your brother. I?m

I?m nothing. Brother?s fine. What else can I be?

I want to think her parents forced her to it, but they think I?m okay, now. Though maybe they?d still prefer if I wasn?t any more than I was. Am.

I just wanted more. How could I have been so stupid? What was I thinking? I?m such idiot! The one time I wanted to be more, I still didn?t know what it was or why it was or anything and I have to I have to stop feeling this. I don?t know how. I have be a brother, and that?s all I know anyhow.

I don?t know what to do. I don?t want to tell anyone. I never fooled them. I don?t understand! How can they know I liked her so much, and and she thinks brother?

My head hurts. My heart hurts. I don?t want to eat, Teddy says I have to. Then he puts this stupid spell on me I can?t figure out because I kept throwing up. I wish he?d leave me alone. I wouldnt throw up if he?d stop making me eat, I?m not hungry. Nothing tastes good anyhow. Then he makes me sleep, and I?m not tired but he says I am. I?m fine, I?m working I was working, he took everything away

It?s not fair

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 98, Eighteen five

I guess I didn?t expect too much from finally having to say Aurora thought of me as a brother. It wasn?t like too many of them thought all that much of her. Probably glad to not have to worry about her and I being boyfriend and girlfriend.

I don?t know how long it?s been, really. Not a week, I don?t think. I just feel... I don?t know, dull when it doesn?t feel like crushing or sharp.

What?s left, she just wants a brother... I haven?t taken her calls. She?s been calling, I can?t bear to hear her voice. Teddy?s been telling her I have strep or something and can?t talk. I guess that?s fine. I don?t feel like talking anyhow.

I went out tonight. It felt like going to wait in a lottery. If your number?s called, you have to spill your guts. I just didn?t want to sit here any more. I should have.

Nathanial kept insisting that if I?d just tell her that I didn?t want to be her brother, it?d all be all right and it wouldn?t be. How could I? What if all she said was out of pity? Or because she felt pressured?

I felt like agreeing just to get away. I can?t do that. I won?t. It?s wrong. I wanted to scream and I couldn?t. And every time I said why I felt it was wrong, he was countering it, like that was going to make me forget what I believe and go and do it anyhow.

It?s so frustrating. If she wants a brother of me, I have to be that, and it hurts so much to do. I?m not good enough to stoically accept it and be it. I mean, why would someone say brother if they want something else?

Why would someone want something other than brother from me? I guess it doesn?t matter. Everything I did that I thought was ...not brotherly, I was wrong. So. Well. Maybe that?s just all.