Fixed and Consequent

[Desdenova]

Journal entry 99, eighteen five

I just want to scream. And keep screaming until they haul me away and lock me up forever. I feel so trapped. Inside of myself, I?m trapped. Like I?ve been imprisoned in my own flesh and skin. It?s me when I look in the mirror, but it?s nothing more than a very well done cage, and underneath it...

I?m under it. Inside of it. Trapped. I can?t get out. Screaming pain and just... loss, and... it?s under that nice, calm exterior. I can?t even scratch through it to show

It?s not okay. Nothing, none of it, and it has to be okay. Or I?m an ungrateful and self centered little bastard who doesn?t care about what he has. I do care, why can?t I be hurt? Why can?t I be mad, frustrated, tired of having half a life and being forced to be happy with that when ... It?s just half?

Why can?t I want what I don?t have? Why can?t I be angry about failing because I don?t have that? I don?t know why it just

I hate this. So much.

Oh well, Des, buck up and get over it or you?ll just piss everyone you love off no one wants to see you grieving over something we have and you don?t. And don?t you dare dwell on the disabilities no matter how much you?re chained and tied down you have to be convinced you?re normal.

I am not normal, what is wrong with them!? They ... what?s wrong with me?

I mean, everything.

Everything.

It?s so hard being away from the hospital. Your disabilities are just what you have and no one has any illusions. When you?re mad and call yourself a cripple, everyone?s been there, and they know you?re just mad. It?s when you stop getting mad and stop caring and stop trying to break past what you do have that?s scary.

When you?re standing at the window watching the healthy kids that can?t come in playing outside, no one tries to tell you that you?ve got everything they have. No one tells you not to do it, because they do it, too. And when it hurts, they?ve felt it, they know.

It doesn?t mean I?m rejecting the people I care for who aren?t disabled. It just... It just means it?s nice to just be... understood.

I?m on such a tightrope all the time, it feels like. When I?m upset, anyhow. It?s a razors? edge to walk, and even if I walk it well, I?m going to get cut.

And then no one wants the blood on them.

Smile, even when it feels like you?re dying. The world smiles, too.

Sure, I tried to give myself to someone and they didn?t want me. Not as I gave. That?s too bad. Buck up and get over it.

I don?t understand. You?re a moron if you?re always happy, you must be deep and intelligent if you?re morose. But if you?re hurt, you can only say why and slap a big happy face Band Aid over it and

I never know what?s going to happen. I reach, and if I say the wrong thing, I?m getting chewed out. I hide, and they reach, and ...I always say the wrong thing then.

I just I don?t know. I don?t know. I just want to be hurt. I just want to

It hurts. No one wants me like this. I?m hurt, I want... I want comfort, I want to say everything that?s hurting me, and I can?t say those things because they?re going to make them angry. I can?t feel those things, but they overwhelm me.

It?s all I can think. No matter what Aurora said, her parents raised her. Perfect is all. Perfect. Perfect.

I?m not perfect. I?m disabled.

I can?t say that. fine, I won?t say it. It lays there and rots. It?s trapped in here with me and the stench is driving me insane.

All that?s left for me to do is pretend it?s not there and do nothing but be happy because it doesn?t matter, it doesn?t matter I lost what I never had and wanted so much because I have people who love me for me who can?t stand to see me as anything but happy.

I suppose it can?t last forever. I can?t believe I stand to lose everyone I love because I hurt and i?m angry, but I can?t take the chance I would. So happy face Band Aids and smile smile smile even though you?re dying inside.

And the world smiles too.

[Desdenova]

[Interlude: Eighteen]

The corridor was long, dark. Illuminated only at irregular intervals, dim, pale blue. Etheral glowing motes without fixed point or reality. He used to laugh and chase them, when he was little.

Sometimes, he still did.

She was waiting for him. Silhoetted against a vast black, too deep for a simple absence of light, to be a drapery or door, she was jarring warmth and familiarity in the cool tones of moss slicked granite. She was terrifyingly alien in the comfort the oblivion she stood before.

His aunt. Great aunt, really. The slight smile, it could be sardonic or comforting; it could be caring, uncaring. He stood before the woman, impassive, head held high. Waiting.

Turning, taking his hand in the warmth of her own, she led him onwards. And was gone in the step taken from the corridor into a vast nothingness.

There were no stars. Not yet. There would be, he knew. Time was its own child in this place. All he was, a point of light in the endless array of unformed universe.

A shoebox of black, it could have been. Unfathomable oceans of space, it might have been. The infinity contained within the brain of the sentient, the uncontained spread of the ponderings of the gods.

Slowly, they arrived. Stylized and strange, the masks. Bear. Fox. Turtle. Coyote. Eagle. Rabbit. Crow. Old Man, Old Woman. Ancient depictions of the oldest Animae of all, and each, he knew their prayers that would ensure their whimsical favor.

Beneath eyes that were hollows behind masks, he waited. Quiescent as potential. Awareness seemed to awaken in each, stars filling voids, nebulae birthing behind the birch and leather, bone and stone.

Discussion over the child they observed ran, quiet and brief. Lowing winds, rustling grass, rushing streams, the hiss of surf, the fall of rain. Earthly sounds in the awakening universe.

Breif. A blinking of an eye. His mother had his hand. Pulled him to her even as he crumpled into helpless tears of frustration. Of relief.

Scars gained in the course of a year were gone. All of the markers of a years span of time, all were gone. Not erased, run backwards into itself.

Once more, the youth would celebrate his birthday.

For the fifth year in a row, seventeen merged into eighteen.

[Desdenova]

[Interlude: Eighteen II]

There really weren't directions to give. Desdenova seemed to have borrowed a bit of Jaces' rifting technology to transport people to his parents yearly Halloween bash.

The neighborhood was quiet and quaint, perhaps seeming from a far earlier time. There were no power lines in evidence. The streets clear of vehicals other than a small scooter or two. Certainly California, it was actually warm well past sundown. In the 60s and 70s, in fact.

The cemetary was large, ancient, beautifully kempt. The house was partially devoted, downstairs, to the mortuary, though the grounds the Victorian mansion oversaw were long closed to newly deceased. A ballroom of fitted woods was lit and decorated for dancing, a band playing rock 'n' roll Halloween favorites loud and hilarious on a small dias. Food was set out on long buffets, everything from sandwiches to caviar on black toast, an open bar presided over by an authentically crumbling zombie provided drinks of all manner.

Most of the guests were, in fact, deceased. To the point where Desdenova, dressed as Luke Skywalker and stunningly blonde, was able to behead his dearly departed uncle Bill before Bill did it himself. The real fun was in that Desdenovas' charmingly wicked mother gaily allowed party crashers into the mix.

Mr. and Mrs. Jones, of course, remained in costume. He as the Joker, she as Harley Quinn. Jackie appeared as Delilah to some random hunks' Samson. And Alice was, of course, Princess Leia. Except she made off with Lukes lightsabre to deal destruction unto the outrageous and deceased drag queen Miss Kitty posing as Ursula, the Sea-Witch.

Trick or treaters in the quiet, upscale neighborhood would be well rewarded with candy and goodies, though California may seem a little creepy so clean and so quiet, so well behaved.

But really, who cared? There were plenty of tricks and treats to occupy ones attention. A birthday cake with eighteen candles set in a place of honor crafted to look like a large asteroid; when cut, it oozed out green and purple jelly, gummy worms and bugs. Desdenova was too caught up in playing with the children and dragging people to dance to make many if any explainations, other than to enjoy the party and the day of his birth.

[Desdenova]

[Correspondence]


Charlie might have been gone for hours before she returned, bearing a letter. The wax seal was unbroken, a cross with a chained feather hanging off of it-- undoubtedly Sin's bloodline symbol, the chained Ravnos, tracing back to the beginning of his bloodline. The letter was thick and smelt vaguely of blood, fire, and misery.


Desdenova:

I'm going to tell you a secret now. I don't know why I am telling you this. I think it's the phoenix. The phoenix stands for truth. In the givings and takings of life, there must be truth. Even for the Kindred-- though there is a secret-walk to everything we do, every word we have to say and command over, by blood to blood, tooth to claw.

I know what it's about now. It's about equality. Chaos and order. When I gave my soul, I took and took and took but none of it was equal to what I gave. Blood and mortal shells can't make up for it, but I didn't want my soul back. Dead or alive, I gave it to Chaus, I sacrificed it. I was afraid that if I took it back, everything would change and horrible things would happen. I'm still afraid. That's why I haven't taken it completely.

Instead, I found him. The Father. Ambrose. He saved me and ruined me. Took out Tohias and made me Sinjin. Every action I make is ultimately Ambrose's doing. I hate him and I love him. He haunts me. He breaks Augustine and turns him into Rojo like he once did to me and Rojo isn't even a whole thing, Rojo never had a true soul to begin with--

Ambrose takes fragility, breaks it, and gives it new life. Rebirth. Like a phoenix. Like truth. I don't know. There's very little I've ever known.

Take the soul. Do what you wish with it. I don't think I can ever accept it again. There's so much that I must do before the balance can be restored, the life and death, Tohias and Chaus. I know it's breaking again. I can feel it. Sometimes Charlie comes and whispers things-- it's for the best, I think. I would rather spend this life fixing everything broken-- that I've broken. There's so many things that don't deserve it.

I don't understand you either. What you are or who you are. I think you understand, though. Or at least Charlie says so. She's a good thing.


-- Sinjin
And, so, he responded to the letter really before letting thought bother him too much. Too much thought, it could be a downfall. Often, yes, it was.

Dear Sin,

We always say that in silence, there is answer. Because we already do know. If we listen.

There is time to be hurt. It's all right. Let it. It won't be forever. Forever simply wasn't made for homo sapiens, and you are. No matter what else with it, you are that.

I'm only half. Or one quarter. I'm not sure. There really aren't more than my family left of us, except Dad somehow got into the blood and well, it's very aggressive, to say the least. He exists now as we do, and he's alive now.

You do have a long time to fix things. Just remember that you can only fix what wants to be fixed, or you'll just break it all over again. You can come here and rest, or sleep, and dream of your soul and touch it. I'll keep it here. I like it.

There's a little rebirth in every time you stop bashing your head and spend time recovering in the company of those who love you, and you have those who love you for you. Not because they can make you into something. Just because they want you nearby.

I'm eighteen again this year. I was dreading it because I knew I would be, but ...I guess it's not so bad. I guess I'll grow up when I can.

~Desdenova

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 100 Eighteen -- forget it

It?s getting colder. I guess it feels about right. Cold. It?s all cold.

It?s a place, and it?s an old dig site Mom?s had her hand in. Maybe that?s why I like it so much. It sounds neat on the dulcimer, but it takes a lot of transposing. So I just play it on the guitar and the dulcimer drones whenever I play the E.

| Em | G | Bm | Bm | Em | A | G | G |


Em G Bm
20,000 miles to an oasis.
Em A G
20,000 years will I burn.
Em G Bm Em A G
20,000 chances I wasted waiting for the moment to turn.
Cadd9 D Bm
I would give my life to find it, I would give it all.
Cadd9 | Am | Em | D Dsus2 | Em | D Dsus2 |
Catch me if I fall.

Em G Bm
Walking through the woods, I have faced it.
Em A G
Looking for something to learn.
Em G Bm Em A G
30,000 thoughts have replaced it, never in my time to return.
Cadd9 D Bm
I would give my life to find it, I would give it all.
Cadd9 | Am | Em | D Dsus2 | Em | D Dsus2 |
Catch me if I fall.

{Bridge:} | Asus2 | Asus2 | G5 | G5 | Asus2 | Asus2 | G5 | {pick through}

| D | D | G | G | D | D | E | E |
All alone, waiting to fall.

Em G Bm
40,000 stars in the evening.
Em A G
Look at them fall from the sky.
Em G Bm
40,000 reasons for living.
Em A G
40,000 tears in your eye.
Cadd9 D Bm
I would give my life to find it, I would give it all.
Cadd9 | Am | Em | D Dsus2 | Em | D Dsus2 |
Catch me if I fall.
Cadd9 | Am | Em | D Dsus2 | Em | D Dsus2 |
Catch me if I fall.
Cadd9 | Am | Em | D Dsus2 | Em | D Dsus2 |
Catch me if I fall.
Em D
Catch me if I fall.

I wonder if they knew that the strings would sound on E.

{TexArcana, REM}

<font color="#95542E" size="1">[ May 05, 2006 09:03 AM: Message edited by: Desdenova ]</font>

[Desdenova]

[Perfection]

?Get in here.?

Aurora almost tripped at the harsh hissing her aunt aimed at her. She?d never heard Debbi Geemis speak like that. Ever. Not even in the worst battles with her husband. Debbi?s voice always remained room freshener artificially pure.

Worse was the masklike visage over the older womans Barbie perfect features as Debbi indicated her office off of the observatorys? educational rotunda. Aurora slank past her aunt swiftly, wide eyed and alarmed.

All her life, Aunt Debbi was never more than openly approving of everything Aurora did. The few times the girl had made mistakes, Debbi was the first person to help get it fixed and smoothed over. A tremendous relief when Aurora was raised to be perfect, and life didn?t always agree with that.

?Aunt Debbi, what?s wrong, I...? Aurora whispered, agitated, turning on her aunt as Debbi shut the door and stepped towards the girl.

Debbi reached over and turned on the small desktop light forcibly. Illumination enough to see the fury scrawled over her face, to cast an accusitory puddle of light before the desk and leave darkness all around.

?What?s wrong? That?s what I want to know. Tra la la, you?re going to marry Brandon Harken?? Debbi demanded sharply. Aurora nodded, abruptly giving her best brilliant sun smile that faltered under the stuck bull stare her aunt returned.

?Well, yes, you know, we?ve been sweethearts all through high school, and...?

?Brandon Harken, If I have to look at that self absorbed pig and his arrogant announcements of ?yeah, Rory?s going to marry me, she knows I?m the best man for the job? one more moment, I?m going to kill him, Brandon Harken?? Debbi snapped, advancing on her neice. Aurora stepped back, her mouth hanging open, trying to look betrayed and only managing to look guilty.

?Brandon Harken, please, please Aunt Debbi, I?ll scrub the floors, I?ll wash cars, I?ll do anything to get away from him, I can?t stand being expected to marry him when all he?s got going for him is his looks and parents money Brandon Harken?? Debbi went on, venomous, seizing Auroras? arm before she could turn away.

?That Brandon Harken? The one that you only dated because he was so popular and handsome and rich, because everyone expected that the prettiest girl in school should date him, and when you told him you didn?t even like him as a person, he didn?t understand what that had to do with you marrying him??

?I... I was exaggerating, like you do with Uncle Brent...? Aurora stammered.

?Oh, bullshit. Brent and I fight because our theories on the universe differ, we like, respect, and love each other dearly. At no time did I ever call up anyone begging them to get me away from him before I brained him,? Debbi snapped, her gaze piercing.

Auroras lips trembled, but she couldn?t find any further way to go on. Debbi rocked back on her hip, arms folding over her chest.

?So you graduate a year early. Get your parents to send you on a grand year tour, and Brandon?s still waiting like a GQ scarecrow for you. You call me wanting me to get you into my university at the very last moment instead of going to the one you?d planned on that Brandon was already enrolled in. You want to meet people around here and break away from the old crowd,? Debbi went on slowly, ticking off the pertanant points.

?I - I did, but I missed everyone after all!? Aurora insisted, twisting a corner of her skirt in her hands.

?After a year and a half and all those letters and calls and words about how wonderful it was to be free of them, you suddenly miss them.?

?Yes, well, I wasn?t always truthful, I guess...? the girl mumbled, dropping her gaze and shrugging helplessly.

?So begging me to please somehow introduce you to that nice boy working here, you?ll even get a job here at the observatory if that wouldn?t scare him was just a lie?? Debbi inquired after a long and deadly silence. Aurora flinched, biting her lower lip.

?You saw him walking here a few nights when you came up with your sorority sisters, remember? You just had to meet him, but they told you how shy he was and how quickly he?d retreat and avoid you if you just moved in on him,? Debbi reminded her coldly, ?You just had to meet him. He was the most handsome, the sweetest, the gentlest boy you?d ever seen.?

?I... I know, I... I said that...? Aurora faltered miserably, ?And you said people weren?t always what they seemed, and I said I know, I still wanted to meet him, and if he wasn?t what he seemed, well, I needed a job, and...?

?And what? What? He wasn?t sweet, gentle, handsome? That?s all I?ve been hearing since the moment you did meet him. Let?s add in the other adjectives. Romantic. Intelligent. Sensual. Caring. Funny. Spiritual. And my personal favorite, so damn sexy without knowing it.?

Aurora gulped, wide eyed and breathless as a gaffed mermaid. Debbi smirked mirthlessly, tilting her head as she eyed her niece. That expression played so well in the dim lighting.

?Unlike all the brats you went to school with, he actually cares about what you think, he actually enjoys sharing interests with you, he likes being with you because you?re you, and not because you?re Miss Aurora Belle Van De Meer, debutante and aspiring socialite. And now you?ve called Brandon and told him you?ll marry him??

?He -- he -- he?s like a brother! Des is. He?s... he?s like a brother,? Aurora insisted, red faced and struggling to sound outraged.

?Yes, I heard that bombshell from Des,? Debbi sneered, ?I?ll bet I was more shocked than he was.?

?It?s just that you really seemed to want me to like him, and I do, he?s really sweet and wonderful...?

?So the phone calls after dropping him off after dates, squealing and giggling and swooning, were all just to make me think you liked him? The agonies over whether or not you should call him when you just wanted to hear his voice was window dressing? Congradulations, it worked like a charm.?

Aurora tried to protest, but finally sagged, letting her hands fall limply at her sides, her head down, sightless gaze fixed on Debbis? foot. For once, the darkness was able to overwhelm the aura of sunshine that she so easily shone.

?I... I just thought it?d be easier. If I told him I think of him as a brother.?

?Easier,? Debbi echoed, disbelief rife in her tone, ?You dumped him even before you had any sort of relationship. Would you mind explaining that one to me??

?It?s just that... He?s... he?s so weird.?

?Weird. Last week he was exotic and fascinating.?

Aurora crumpled slightly. Her aunts memory was fabulous, unfortunately. Once more fidgeting for the corner of her skirt, she wound it into a rope as she tried to explain.

?I told Mom and Dad all about him, and I wanted them to meet him, I... thought they?d really adore him as much as ...As much as I do, and you, and Uncle Brent...?

?And??

?I guess Dad went and found out things about him, where he works and all, and... He said there was no way I would ever be able to go into politics, like I want, with Des even as a friend. That I?d have to drop him if I wanted my career,? Aurora admitted in a small voice, ?That... some of the things he can do are... they look bad for someone trying to get elected.?

Debbi simply stared, her lips pressed into a thin frost peach line. Auroras voice went thick, she shrugged helplessly, twisting the cotton of her skirt without thought further and tighter. Like a noose.

?He?s a mage and astrologer. So what? That has never been called into question here,? Debbi noted after a long silence, ?Those things have never interfered with his work. Or enhanced it.?

?It?s just that other people would use it and it would look bad,? Aurora blurted out, almost tearfully, ?People would say it was his doing, not mine, when I was in office. They?d make fun of it. I couldn?t bear having to deal with that.?

?I see.?

The cold remark caused Aurora to peer through the rose gold curtaining of her hair at the woman. That was more than angry. More than harsh. It sounded like a door slamming shut.

?And... and... there?s so many things wrong with him. Seizures and all that, and I want a family eventually, but I don?t want to have to go through all that,? Aurora added, her feet shifting as her gaze dropped.

?You don?t even know if that?s genetic,? Debbi noted acidly.

?Neither does he, it could be,? Aurora rallied, defensive and offended, ?I don?t want to adopt, and there?s nothing wrong with not wanting to pass something like that onto my children!?

?You know, I honestly thought that you just got cold feet when you saw him wanting to take the relationship a little further,? Debbi abruptly announced, almost conversationally as she inspected her neice. Shrugging, the woman paced a few steps, considering as much as she might a new star chart, intent and intelligent gaze never leaving Aurora.

?I figured I could bring you in here and smack a little sense into you. Hell, I even expected that your perfection obsessed father did a background check on Des and told you that he really was one of the monsters from the bad side of the city.?

?He is, though,? Aurora whispered in a tiny voice. Debbi glanced at the girl coolly.

?No. You are. Just born on the right side of the tracks.?

The shock that played over the girls face was priceless at her aunts cold denouncement. Debbi studied it thoughtfully. Wondering if any of it got through that pretty little blonde head.

?I am sorry I ever introduced you to that poor child. I want you out of here. I don?t even want to look at you. I don?t want you around here, calling him up and using him to entertain you while you work for your degree and your perfect life with perfect Brandon,? Debbi continued acidly. Aurora squeaked faintly some question.

?Because he?ll do it. Des will be a brother to you, no matter how much it tears him up. He?ll even do that hiding from the public eye so they don?t know he has anything to do with you. You are not making him into your little pet freak that you love so much you have to hide him,? Debbi announced evenly.

?But --? Aurora yelped, her hands abruptly knotting fingers at her throat.

?But what??

?But... I... I... I don?t want to lose him... I...? Aurora admitted, bursting into sudden and cold tears.

?How fair is it to string him along like you did and then to tell him you think of him as a brother when you?ve seen him as anything but that? I need him here a lot more than I need you here, Aurora, and you?ve hurt him badly. You at least owe him the truth,? Debbi snapped, outraged.

?But the truth would kill him!? Aurora wailed, pulling at her bangs in frustration, ?He wants to be normal and can?t and I said it didn?t matter to me! That?s why I told him I thought of him as a brother and told Brandon I?d marry him! So he wouldn?t think it was him!?

?Or was it so that you could use him as a safety net for when you couldn?t find dates around here, while fully intending on dumping Brandon for the next half way decent boy you ran into??

Debbis? harsh inquiry struck Aurora like a slap. That was all the agreement Debbi needed. She nodded once.

?Get your things and clock out. I?ll mail you your last pay check. And you stay the hell away from Desdenova, or I will personally take your ass back to Brandon and arrange the elopement myself. You deserve that creep.?

Debbi watched, cold, emotionless, as her niece crept past her to the door, as Aurora ran from the office, wailing like a child. Tossing her head, Debbi snarled and stalked out, smacking the door shut behind her. It was a poor release for her anger, but it would do.

Brent turned from the radio telescope, the slightly hopeful lilt to his smile fading fast as he took in the thunderclouds of Debbis? doll like expression. The rest of the team went still and silent, watching her.

?...Didn?t go well...?? Brent hazarded. Debbi shook her head shortly, stopping to get a cup of coffee and jerking her chin to his upstairs office so they could talk in private.

?It?s all right,? Brent reassured her, divining her intention, ?Bea started to bark, I sent Des to your office to lay down on the sofa in there. It?ll probably be another half hour before he comes out of it.?

The coffee cup fell from Debbis? hand. Shattered on the floor in a spray of hot liquid and thick ceramic. She could only watch it fall in a hideous horror.

?Debbi?? Brent sputtered, but the woman spun on her heel before the fragments of cup had even finished skittering to their final resting places, rushing out and all but falling down the steps to get back to her office.

The door was open. The light was off. Swearing, Debbi swept her hand over the overhead light switch, wide eyed. Maybe he hadn?t been there. Maybe he?d just gone home. Maybe it?d been a bad seizure and he?d passed out afterwards.

This time, the office lit in garish blue white, shadows slinking under the furniture at the ignition of the recessed flourescent bulbs.

Empty, though. The office was empty.

[Desdenova]

...everything i just left. i couldnt... i couldt bear

i knew shed be there but i went in and debbi asked an it was she didnt want me because beca

didnt end there paige talked to her. same thing cept that time said she did love me just couldn coulnt could not not be

paige treid i know but it just no. no.

in the morning paige stopped me at work and said what she said and i didn say i know i heard i just said thank you and went to work

nothng else to do work.

[Desdenova]

I?m so tired. of being me. So tired. I
she keeps following calling Im so tired i dont know
i see her and iforget a moment what happened and then it happened and i want to just die. i ask her to stop and i dont wan t her to

got in nother fight with cam but i was right she said she knew and forgave me i was so so mad and Jace was there but though ti meant hem and i didnt and i was

then oliver was whining whining spirits he wihnes worse that an girl and was all bleed bledd angst whine so i made it rain tampons. cam thought it was funny. guess it was

aurora called i smashed the phone had to borrow cams get a new one

cam said she was proud of me i dont know if i see her i wont i she yelled at me screamed because she saw naeruu and naeruu in the house because she sleeps in a nest in the corner and she hisses and keens at the basement door i don?t know why dont care, the plumber doesnt go in there either and spirits she screamed at me because of naeruu but she s aspider i

so tired

[Desdenova]

I cannot BELIEVE this. How can that idiot be that stupid and still be capable of breathing?! How long has it been, almost a year for spirits sake, and FINALLY that moron Trevalin gets to the stupid ebony block I gave him and what?s he do? Glances at it, and GIVES it to Aurora because she simpered in and said I asked her to get it for me!

Spirits! I am still shaking I am so mad. Arch Magus Trevalin, bastion of Pure Good and he?s got the sense of a rock! This is why he can?t open the Princes grimories, because he?s an IDIOT!

I asked Nesbitt to not let Aurora in because she?s stalking me or something and it?s starting to get annoying and he?s all ?can I have her for lunch?? meaning, probably, Aurora souffle? and well no. So what?s she do? Hangs around in back until Super Dipshit arrives and starts buttering that Gandalf wannabee up seven ways till Sunday.

He brings her in without anyone knowing, and shows her the block I?d given him ages ago, which he?s going to dissect for me to see what?s in it, since Matilde and I had no luck with it.

How can you have all that power and still be a complete waste of space is beyond me.

So she tells him that oh, that?s just why I?m here, Des asked me to get it for him because he thinks he knows how to key it open now. And this... Three centuries of study in the highest institutions, four centuries of field experience, and at least one major demon thrown down to his credit, and he GAVE HER THE BLOCK.

Great spirits. This guy cannot be that stupid, but he IS.

He GAVE it to her. Didn?t even bother to call me and ask. Nope, because no one would ever do anything bad around Big Bad Arch Magus Trevalin.

I came unglued, I really did, I just screamed at him for being this much of a moron, and he SMILED! SMILED!! Pats me on the back and reminds me jealousy is unbecoming a true mage and that I should re-center myself and when I was settled down I?d see the truth and wisdom of his actions.

I think my brain shut down because that was so stupid. Fortunately, Fern was looking for me, figured out what was going on, and gave Arch Magus Moron high holy hell for not following company security policies and he?d damn well better get the block back from Aurora fast.

Dumbshit frowns and glowers at us for being so mean to that sweet girl who was just trying to help her friend and he was positive Aurora would give me the block back by tomorrow. Right. Probably inbedded in the back of my skull or with a basket of dead kittens or something.

I was just -- Spirits!! I can?t believe this.

He did get a cursory look at the block, though, and said that it was hateful of his hand, meaning that it didn?t like being held by a person of light alignment, but I never felt anything from it. Which doesn?t mean a lot, if there?s a barrior between me and whatever?s there, I won?t necessarily feel anything.

So whatever?s in it is muffled but apparantly evil. I guess if I get it back, I?ll give it to Nesbitt. At least Nesbitt will just get drunk and try to stuff it up Auroras nose, he won?t stupidly hand it over. Great spirits, I?m glad she didn?t ask for Trevalins Mage Shorts.

Idiot probably does wear shorts with little stars and crescent moons on them, like the ones Stacy makes and sells in the shop. Dorky ass things, but people actually buy them. Probably as jokes for their male mage friends.

Stacy?s pissing me off lately, too, spirits, she is SUPPOSED to be the branch secretary and we have to DUEL for her to do any data entry for us. And I always lose because it?s a free for all and not bat-leth or firearms or daggers, and OF COURSE Bill always wins, hello, he?s a four ton hill giant!

I swear I work with the idiots of the universe. But then Senior will insist this is where his best and brightest are, and this is his favorite branch and we?re so productive bla bla bla and they?re IDIOTS. Makes me wonder what sort of lower plant forms he?s hired at his other facilities.

[Desdenova]

I suppose Trevalin was right, Aurora gave me back the block the next day. It made a pretty damn effective club, judging from the bruises.

I walked to the college, to her sorority house. It?s in a nice neighborhood. I got to the front walk, and she came out on the porch with the block. And she started trying to insist she wasn?t going to give it back unless I stopped being mean to her.

That right there just stopped me in my tracks and froze my brain. I just stared at her. She walked right up to me, insisting that it?d all just been a big joke and mistake and I had to get rid of that hussy I had staying with me, meaning Naeruu, and I had to go back to being all enchanted with her.

I said I was sorry, but things were different, Naeruu was just a friend, and -- the next thing I know, she started hammering at my head with the block, and screaming.

That was shocking enough, but this huge side of beef grabbed my shoulder and hauled me around to slug me in the gut. I was -- I was completely off guard.

HE starts screaming about leaving his fiance alone and that I?m stalking her and... Great Spirits. After that, it was just a brawl. Insane. I know I broke the fuckers elbow, and his jaw, but I seized in the middle of it. I don?t know what happened. I could hear a woman screeching, but that?s it until I came to in the ER under a police guard.

And they put ME under arrest for assault. So I wasn?t in good enough shape to move to the jail, fortunately, but Teddy bailed me out anyhow. Which, well, I couldn?t leave the hospital until Monday morning.

Everything hurts. My ribs, spirits, three are broken. My throat is covered in bruises, like the dude kept beating me after I was down.

Brent Harker or Harkness or something. Auroras fiancee. I was just... I?m just... Spirits.