Fixed and Consequent

[Desdenova]

Fern and I got into a horrible fight. It was... really bad. Fist swinging bad. I signed up for the Valentines Bash. Bat?leth tournement. I sometimes do, I know Hor?tz and Mom and Dad don?t like it, but I do sometimes.

She said it was because I was trying to prove to Shadow I was a good fighter, too. It wasn?t that. I mean, if she likes guys built like Zaraki, I?m not even in the running.

It just got worse and worse and we both shoved each other and I swung, then she swung, and she got me down on the floor, but I rolled and got up and stalked away. Both were pretty bloody, I guess. Hysterical, I know that.

She yelled after me, and I had to use a spell to get the stupid bracelet off but i did, threw it at her. Said I know I?m crippled, thanks for reminding me, I might have forgotten with how well I?m doing.

And I just walked. She came after me, I threw my phone at her. My case. Everything. I ended up running into the woods.

I was alone. Alone. Unmarked. No bracelet. Not even Bea, Nana... Anything.

I used to think if I threw it all away, would I be normal ...

Guess not. Came back to myself in a ditch, wrapped up in the roots of an oak. Fern must have asked them to watch for me or something. I thanked it. Just... walked. Snow, mist, it was...

Well. I finally got home. Teddy is madder than hell. I don?t care. It?s not why I joined the tournement. I joined it because I want to. Because it?s something to do. To focus on. Because I can do it. I?ve been in them before.

I know everyone gets freaked out by it. Why?d she have to throw in Shadow? I...

Haven?t even seen her lately. When I do, it just aches. Creep doesn?t even take her out. No, just ... get the girl, set up house, and that?s that. I don?t think he even knows who she is. Or cares. But look, hey, she can take care of his kid. Free babysitting and housekeeping, plus sex.

I guess they are. I don?t want to know. Probably. Maybe that was why she was so lit up and all that.

It would be wrong to take someone that knows what that is away from it. If it?s so wonderful. I guess.

People explain, try to explain. I know how it?s done, I know why. It?s so thrilling that it can be over before it?s started. Or keep on for hours. It just doesn?t mean anything to me.

Depresses me mostly. I?m too old for a relationship that isn?t going to lead to sex, and I?m far too young for it. The girls around here, they say they want romance, and they don?t. Or they want it to be heading right into sex.

And I sit and watch it crash and burn over and over and over and over...

I better call Fern. Tell her I?m home and okay. Why the hell would Shadow even care I was in the tourney? Why would Zaraki? Not like

Much as I?d like to hack off his stupid head. Judges wouldn?t allow it, anyhow.

[Desdenova]

I don?t know what happened. I don?t think I ever will. It was too...

See. Thorn took up with Elias. I don?t know why. He?s creepy, he?s angsty, he?s ... just not the sort I?d picture with her. Though I never really could picture her with just one guy. She?s the sort that just likes sex and that?s what she wants from most guys. She?s honest about it, I like that about her.

She?s never going to be squealing out the victim games, she?s not going to be playing the I?m soooo in love with the guy I just met farce. She likes sex, if you like it too and want to do it with her, it?s fine with her.

So I was kind of surprised that she?d gotten that close to Elias. Because he?s the sort that vanishes after getting the girl.

But, she seemed happy about it. I wasn?t, really, mainly because when he?s there, she doesn?t pay much attention to anyone else, and I don?t like getting in close with people who have their lover with them, no matter how much I may like both.

It?s uncomfortable for me. I can?t understand the emotion, I don?t like the scents, I hate feeling them close off from me.

She always calls me ?little love?. I ... I don?t know why, but I like it so much. Maybe it?s just what I am. It feels like all I am. And she recognizes it and accepts it and acknowledges it.

But. Thorn?s got all those... I don?t know. Abyssal ... connections, if you will. I can?t keep them straight. I don?t know if she can. Baziou, mainly. And, he and Elias... all of them... they hate... well, the demonics hate Elias, he hates them. There is no acceptance for the sake of Thorn.

I came out, and they were... Elias and Baziou... They were fighting. Yelling, insults, then a knife and... It got worse, and worse, and... a portal of some sort opened, and ... In they went. Then Thorn.

Then Shadow.

I... Oh, Spirits. I screamed. And ran after.

It was...

It was

I... don?t know.

Madness. Cacophony and ...

I ...just didn?t want Shadow or Thorn hurt but...

I... somehow pushed Thorn into a knife... I...

Don?t remember much after.

Then we were back. I ... knew it was coming, I ran... But Shadow followed. Don?t know how much of it she saw. She was talking when I started coming out of it.

Yeah. Great way to prove your worth to anyone. Nearly kill a friend and then have a seizure on your porch. Go me.

But... she said it was okay. ...She even went to the library, looked up Mobius syndrome. Looked up the different sort of seizures, what to do when someone had them.

Kills me, she went and found out that much about m

Made breakfast for her, she eats a lot, it made me feel good. I have to get ready for morning, now, Rick asked if I wanted to go help salvage an old locomotive. It sounds neat.

[Desdenova]

Crazy Train

[Desdenova]

Horam... gave me his ... entire life, really. Everything. A book, which contains all of his family. Everything. The book he should give his first born when they come of age or he passes on.

I promised him I would take very good care of it for when it was time to pass it on. He said, he gave it to me, because he knew I would honor it, and he doesn?t believe that there will be more beyond him.

I think there will be.

He went back home, and he gathered together more of his people. Who would not tolerate the foreign rule. Outcast and all, he is, but... He?s a wise and powerful leader.

He brought them here. He had me put him in contact with suppliers for raw materials. They?re building a village for themselves. I got Kochel to act as the go-between, because, well, Kochel is a minotaur. Really awesome archetect, but, the Krynn he?s from, it?s decades if not centuries after the one Horam is from.

Kochel is funny, he?s really easy going and laid back, especially for a minotaur, but he?s quick to announce that Humans Are Only Good For Making Mopar Products. Elves are only good deep fried and in freshness dated packages. Klingons are mildly enlightened.

He has THE coolest car. 1968 Dodge Demon. You can feel it starting up from inside the building. He?s driven me around in it before, it is INCREDIBLE. Showroom, and nitrous injected, 440 hemi. Oh, MAN is it nice.

It just ... I don?t know. It felt so good someone thinks that much of me, and it was so sad because he believes his legacy is not only ending, but he can only trust it with... me. Me. A disabled human.

I managed to do what he thought was right. To accept with honor and respect. But I think he kind of liked it when I hugged him. He didn?t push me back. He never does. He usually hugs me back. It?s always kind of like he loans you some of his strength when he does.

But then he brought me a box. And it had the coolest thing in the world in it, a zombie undead hamster!! It?s ferocious and horrible and fluffy and cute. I named him Tim The Destroyer. Jessica came to look, too, she thought he was great.

So I put him into Sins bed, because he was staying at the Halliburtons. It was pretty funny, but I know he?s going to beat me stupid when he catches me.

I put him in Matildes? locker, too. She SCREAMED, it was SO FUNNY...

And then she turned me into a SKUNK. Which I think is totally unfair, because she didn?t even ask me if I did it.

It was an awful lot of fun, though. Being a skunk. People really give you respect. Cam needed me, though, she wanted to talk, so she called Matilde and made a deal with her. I have to give free babysitting and I have to tune up her car. Bleah. But the girls are always good for me. I

Then I took Tim with me to show Dad, and Dad thought it was cool, and I put him into Jackies? suit case, and while she was shoving my head in the toilet and flushing, he kind of wandered off, and we couldn?t find him.

Mom did. The next morning. Doing laundry.

WOW was she MAD. I didn?t think I?d ever find a way out of the bag. By then, well, real time, it was only a few moments, but it felt like forever to me, and she let the darklings in there torment me, and eruuugh, that gloopy one -- still makes me shudder. But by the time I got out, Dad had caught Tim and put him in a Habi-trail, and Mom put a lock on it I can?t get through. She decided she liked him!

Then she called Matilde and had Matilde turn me into a skunk AGAIN!

Well. It was kind of fun. You get a lot of pettins and stuff when you?re a skunk, people are afraid you?ll squirt. I still haven?t figured out how one would, if one was a skunk, but no one needs to know that.

Mmph. Paige said I should calmly and maturely ask for my undead zombie hamster back, and I just stared at her and said she?s my Mom. She knows I?m not mature! But anyhow, Mom said once I can figure the lock, I can take him back, and Spirits help me if he ends up in the dirty clothes again.

That kind of made me think, because you know, it was bad enough the first time.

[Desdenova]

A bunch of new people showed up again. The seasons change, the people change. This bunch didn?t really make a big impact on me, really. They?re just ... faces. Bland personalities. You kind of make bets with yourself, how long they?ll be here. Which are going to become gay, which are going to pair off, who?s going to be the whining victim, who?s going to be the annoying macho hero sort.

Well. Eden. She stands out. She?s pretty, and ... she?s really gentle with me. Which is nice. I mean, she?s usually pretty vocal and active and likes raunchy, earthy humor and stuff, but I remember. She stopped and explained when I asked about stuff, and she was quiet and slow and gentle.

I like her. I kind of wish she was younger, because she?s fun. But her fun?s always a little beyond me. Almost always. She likes daisies.

The twins. I don?t even remember their names, and they?re not twins, exactly, but they may as well be. One has an English accent, the other doesn?t.

One?s hot hot hot after Cam. Like he expects her to marry him in a few weeks. But he?s really kind of bland to my eyes. Gerrold or ... I don?t know. I don?t really pay all that much attention to him. He seems to be glad to get her expensive gifts.

Oliver came back, of course, and was sulking around. But, oh, well.

Cam dates guys, and if she doesn?t promptly settle on one, she?s a slut. I don?t get that. Why shouldn?t she date other guys? If I could, I?d date a lot of different girls.

Well, considering there?s not many girls around here I?d even marginally trust for that, it?s no big worry. And all of them are currently unavailable.

I don?t know. I guess I feel better, the doctor put me back on anti-depressants. Maybe that?s why everyone new seems so bland. I probably seem bland, too.

[Desdenova]

Zane came back. Finally. She wouldn?t come out where I could see her. She called, but I could smell her. I just started bawling like a child. Shadow was with me. I was so glad of that.

She?s probably pretty used to me doing that by now.

I don?t remember going home. But I woke up in my bed. I could still smell Zane, and my hair was cut. She must have been there. I don?t know why she doesn?t want me to see her. I?m afraid. All I can think is of the nightmare I had.

[Desdenova]

It was very strange. Eden came to the tavern, but... It wasn?t her. She had a bad headwound, she insisted she was an old woman from a nearby nursing home.

It gave me a lot of pause, because just a few days before, she almost got creamed by a car, but an old woman pushed her out of the way saying ?not yet?. And then the old lady was killed.

I told her, maybe she wore out a guardian angel. Maybe it was something else, I don?t know. I didn?t want to push too hard. I mean, she doesn?t really know what I am.

Why I care, I don?t know. I shouldn?t, around here. But I do.

I guess mainly because I don?t want to scare people, or ... I don?t want them using me. It?s easy to do, but... Well. Eden was scared enough.

I helped as much as I could, and finally, she realized who she was. It?s all tied up in some strange dreamscape, and she sees her death, but I can?t taste it on her. I can?t hear it, feel it. I can tell her that, it doesn?t matter. If she gets forced or freaked out into accepting that death date, she will, and there?s not much anyone can do about it.

Humans are more powerful than they ever realize, and when they do, they always think it?s for the worse rather than to use it for the better. I guess it?s supposed to be that way, for now, I mean, that?s what Mom does, after all... It just sometimes makes me crazy.

I?m a nice boy when she looks at me. I kind of wish I wasn?t just that, but she?s just so much older than me. Not physically, but... I couldn?t ever be anything other than a nice boy. It?ll do. It?s just... She?s really willing to fight for herself and her friends and family. That?s so rare. I guess most of the girls that I?ll ever meet who are strong are always going to be too old for me.

Anyhow, I gave her a lot of the hand bombs I?d made for the paladin. She?s got a good arm. It was cool watching her with them. I think she might have hugged me if I wasn?t so bad at it.

People take that so funny. I don?t like being touched by people unless I know them well. And they never realize it?s just that. There?s no deep hidden mystery, I wasn?t molested, I wasn?t beaten, kidnapped by aliens, I just don?t like it.

I mean, sure, in the hospital, you do have to endure being handled a lot by strangers, but you always have the option to say no. You can always ask for someone else, if the one you?re dealing with is too rough. Well, it?s a choice and it?s not a choice. If the doctors and nurses and techs don?t know what they?re dealing with, you?re all boned.

But I wouldn?t take being roughed up. Half the time, I was already in enough pain to know I was in pain, some ham fisted tech coming to do a EEG wasn?t going to get away with shoving the damn sensors on me.

They do, though. They really take it funny. Either they try to pretend I didn?t say ?please don?t touch me? at all, and start poking at me until I start swinging, or they act like they can never, ever touch me at all. That I?ll freak out at the least little thing.

I?ve never been good at hugging. I?m used to being held, cradled, I?m that spoiled, ...but, that?s what I know. I never could put my arms around many people, the other kids, a lot of us had centerlines, and stuff, IVs everywhere, hugging was kind of a chancy thing.

I don?t think it?s such a big deal. Other people do. I don?t remember what I was rambling about now. And I realized that I?ve lost track of the dates on my journal entries. Oh, well. When I start a new one, I?ll start dating them again.

[Desdenova]

Andy, and Reva. They?re new, I guess. Well. I?ve never met them. They?re both...

They scare me. And ... well... They?re so pretty. They seem so nice. They ... They?re both very interested in clothes and shopping and... Well. I have to laugh, sometimes, but I try not to.

They?re both, so much like Aurora. ...That?s what scares me. I mean, superficially, they are. Perky, friendly, cheerful and ... well. But, of course, both have built in boyfriends. Reva?s is the other one of the twins. The one without the English accent. She?s living with him, or with the gay guy who wasn?t previously gay. I don?t remember. Andy?s staying at the Crystal Inn, I guess, and seems to have staked out Joey. The dork I zapped a rat tail onto.

I?d like to ask them out, but... I?m just really... No. I?ve had enough. I really have. It doesn?t matter anyhow, they both have their RhyDin Issued Boyfriends. Probably be married and abandoned in a few months. I guess it?s fun to chaff with them a bit.

Then, well. I was pretty surprised. I shouldn?t be, I know. One of my Moms... co-workers, I guess you?d say, was assigned here. One of the Deaths, I don?t know which division or anything. I didn?t ask. Jake Ives, he?s nice. Just ...

Well, I kind of feel sorry for him, sometimes. I know what it?s like. You?re going from watcher to ... real. That happens here, a lot. Even Talitha who was born for it, she ends up being real. I haven?t seen her in a while.

Why did that remind me of... I don?t know. Vera, the gypsy lady. She... I would have liked for... but... Well, no. She?s young, she?s skitzy, she?s bitchy, she?s warm and friendly... I don?t know.

Then there?s Lantana. I?ve seen her around, but she usually focussed on one or two people, and always seemed in the middle of some drama or another. No one in the world is pretty enough for that.

That?s sort of how I met Jake, really, she was... Well, she flitters around, gets loud, then silent, runs off, comes back... He seems to be the focus. I asked him... If it was Mobius, too, because, he doesn?t often move his facial features, and then I was ... oh. No.

Paige made me meet Skado. Kai, Eliza introduced me to him as. Or, rather, pointed him out as being an ex-boyfriend trying to kill her.

...I remember a lot more when I stop taking these stupid anti depressants. I just can?t tell if it?s in order or not.

Skado. Not Kai. He... Wasn?t who Eliza made him. Or maybe he is, but he isn?t that for others. Paige saw I was uneasy of him, and really, it was because he got too close to Cam one night, and I didn?t want him near her. So, they explained.

I think, because Vera would like very much to be like Talitha. But I?m not sure that Talitha wants to be like Talitha.

She kind of dies every day, and never quite returns to life. I don?t know if anyone realizes that. But when I looked at her, it?s when I knew that people shine and dim. When I really understood it. When I knew the fire that burns in us can freeze solid and...

I don?t want that.

How wonderful it would be, to take a shard of the shine someone has, hold it in my palm, and blow it into brilliance

I wonder if I shine like that for anyone.

[Desdenova]

I guess I was kind of wondering what was up. I mean, Shadow was really set on knowing that what she knew would be remembered. She walked in, and seemed a little off, and said she forgot how to make coffee when I asked. Not forgot where it was, she forgot the entire process of making it. That was... well. A little strange.

She finally went to the doctor for tests and all. I offered to go with her, because I know all the terminology, but she insisted she?d just read about it. So, well, she came back.

She was more bemused than anything, I think, but I was really surprised. Alzheimers, early onset. I remember asking her about her parents, but all she knew was that her father was a john, and her mother a prostitute who didn?t last much past twenty five or so.

She doesn?t know where they?re buried, I presume her mother is dead, probably her father, as well. A lot of the city street people just don?t last that long. So there?s no way of telling ... well, I guess it doesn?t really matter if it?s genetic or not.

So... I don?t know. Lola, the gargoyle, has been keeping watch on her, and she?s fairly confident that Nathanial and Rick can keep it at bay for a long while.

I told her if she wanted, I could take off time from work... Let her stay with me, if she wanted. Teddy could look after us both, and... well, I could... I could keep an eye on her, as long as she was...

I mean, it sounded pretty attractive. Quit work a while, and just live off of what I grow, the chickens, what Charlie hawks for me, and sell the rest as the produce of a goth farm.

But, she said no, Zaraki bla bla bla, and the girl bla bla bla...

They don?t need her. They never have. They don?t seem to now. From what she?s said, the girl is past bratty, disrespectful, and sometimes, just seems plain mean.

I said, I know, but the offer is still open. If she doesn?t feel safe by he... Well, she?s supposedly got those two, but they don?t really strike me as being terrifically loyal. But I told her. She can come here.

[Desdenova]

I hate it when people I know here ask me for something like a ward, I really do. It makes me edgy. I?m good. I?m damn good at them. It?s one of the main reasons I was hired, and why I was hired to the think tank Matilde heads rather than in manufacture or something.

I am good. Very good. Yet, around here, you can hand someone a brand new Colt, loaded and cocked and the safty off, and it will manage to misfire. So I usually tell people where the shop is and they can ask for one of my wards, and what for, and they?ll get it. Spend a little cash on it, a little of their own effort.

So Vera asks me for a ward. But when I say, go buy one, she starts this round about, and finally, I get the whole story. For whatever reason, she finds it amusing to push Skado into being a monster.

This is fun for her. She has a child, and she is systematically pushing this man into violently attacking her. I was stunned, I really was. I made a ward for her kid, the one I gave her was just one from the shop. It was absurd.

I cannot fathom peoples minds sometimes. This is just so stupid. I half hope he will off her just to spare her poor daughter from being raised by someone with the smarts of a rock.

I mean, if Skado was just randomly attacking her, I?d have confronted him, taken something of him to use against him or something, but it was literally Vera thought it would be fun to harrass him.

She seems nice, but scratch the surface on some of these people, and the stupid goes right to the bone.
Vera and Kai

I can?t even explain a lot of the stupid that?s been going on. It?s ... I don?t know. I guess it?s pre-spring spring fever, or something.